Nick Saban to teach Defense Against the Dark Arts

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

Tuscaloosa, AL- The University of Alabama filled its recently vacated Defense Against the Dark Arts (DADA) faculty position today by hiring Miami Dolphins head coach Nick Saban. The deal is estimated to pay 40 million dollars over the course of 8 years, pending his own survival. The hiring is the latest in a string of transactions concerning Alabama's frequently vacated DADA job given the recent number of former employees meeting untimely demises over the years. While foul play has been suspected by both friends and foes of the Alabama program, authorities have yet to locate former DADA teachers Mike Shula, Mike Price, and Mike DuBose.

Coach Saban was coveted by the Crimson Tide mainly for his knowledge of the high-school recruiting, a relatively new field of dark sorcery, but the position will require adept-level understanding of the traditional dark arts: SEC defenses, poisons, alumni relations, unforgivable curses, and academic eligibility.

Snape, seen here plotting vengeance over his foes at Auburn.

Alabama administrators are confident that they have found a DADA teacher that will be able to weather the traditionally rough situation and, at least, remain alive through the span of his scheduled tenure.

Longtime staff member, Severus Snape, was pegged for the job by many insiders, and while he had been rumored to be headed for vacant Dark Arts positions at Texas and Miami(FL), the ultimately loyal Snape will remain at Alabama as poisons coach and co-defensive coordinator. Snape will, however, yield his position as headmaster of Slytherin House, the Tide's athletic dormitory.

This faculty search was unusually long considering the unnaturally high interest in the position. Traditionally, a vacated Defense Against the Dark Arts office is filled no later than the nearest equinox, but Alabama's athletic headmaster, Mal Moore decided that an extra fortnight of pondering and meditation was necessary. "We are certain that the extra time helped us secure the perfect man for the job," added Moore, "and, after only a few years here at Alabama, we're sure that Coach Saban will be a grand wizard."

Muppet Newscaster is a card-carrying member of the legitimate media. He once caddied for Tyrone Willingham.