Trev's Travel Advisories

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Gather round, faithful Trevians! The end time is nigh! The Four Whatsits of the What-have-you are descending upon the wonderful town of Columbus, OH for TEH GREATEST GAME OF TEH CENTURY R00X0R 1337 EXTRAVAGANZA!1!!!!!1!

Given the already heightened state of alert already enacted on the outlying Columbian countryside, I feel it is my civic duty to prepare big game pilgrims for their perilous journey. Beginning with basic precautions, anyone within 200 miles of THE Ohio Stadium should create a football emergency kit containing the following:

• Bottled water- good for basic washing and drinking in the event of rioting fans poisoning local actuaries. Also good for the dousing of small to medium-sized furniture fires.
• Canned food- emergency rations should tailgating and looting deplete local Wal-Marts, general stores, and feed shops. Please avoid perishables that must be refrigerated, as there is a strong defecation warning being placed on all area coolers.
• Heavy-duty Flashlight, spare "D" batteries-good for personal defense as both make-shift nightstick and projectiles as well as entertainment. Those bastards love chasing those lights around. Can also scare off scavenging raccoons should they populate the rubble of the aftermath.
• First-aid kit- Hospitals plan on being overwhelmed with demand for stomach pumps and taser wounds and will likely be unable to attend to basic brainings. Be sure to include a sturdy pair of forceps for removing shards of broken glass and plenty of aspirin.
  

For those travelling into the Kill Zone, please be advised to take these motoring precautions:

• Remove all educational pride markings from your vehicle. This includes, but is not limited to, I-AA colleges, High School Honor Roll noticements, and indications that you boost your son or daughter's grammar school athletic department. "Book It" bumper stickers are permissible if you include Calvin, of "Calvin and Hobbes", urinating on said book while wearing an OSU T-shirt.
  
• Be sure your vehicle's Rhino Bar and/or cowcatcher is securely fastened BEFORE leaving home.
• Pack an extra case of generic domestic beer. These can be thrown from the rear of your vehicle to ward off oncoming pillagers.
• If you have an in-car DVD system, suggested preparatory viewings include Day of the Dead, Shaun of the Dead, and Escape from L.A.
• Lastly, in case of evasive maneuvers, I have posted a copy of a local map, provided by the Columbus Chamber of Commerce (CCC). The map should increase your chances of escape.
  

So, enjoy the game, stay safe, and above all else, go football!

Trev Alberts is an amateur cartographer. Be advised that his maps are not to scale.