Scientists in awe as coaching equilibrium restored

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

Louisville, KY-In a shocking turn of events, the pro-college coaching equilibrium rapidly regressed to the mean late Sunday night as now-former Louisville head coach Bobby Petrino became the now-pending head coach of the Atlanta Falcons. "On Friday, we were worried when [Nick Saban] came back to the college side," stated noted statistician, Preston Billingsley, "and there was a belief that this fundamental law of football theory would be put into question, which would be devastating. I mean, [the coaching equilibrium] theory is like gravity in our field."

The pro-college coaching equilibrium had long been taken for granted in the world of quantitative football analysis. Given the similar, but separate circles of the college and pro coaching fraternities, it was widely accepted that migration between the two would be limited and of minimal impact. Despite the number of college jobs largely outnumbering the number of NFL jobs and the high percentage of turnover in the professional league, the equilibrium holds due to college coaches having little to no success in the pros. "With the brilliant exception of Stanford's Bill Walsh, our quantitative pharaoh god of strategery," proclaimed Billingsley, "few, if any, have ever truly made "The Leap" to remain in the NFL, and the previous disparity in salaries kept all but the courageously inept from 'regressing' to the collegiate level."

In recent years, given the increasing revenues of the college game, schools have engaged in a coaching salary arms war that has brought the average salary to a comparable rate, causing the theory to be in danger of becoming obsolete. Thankfully, with Petrino's recent hubris, statisticians are certain that the pro-college equilibrium theory will hold, if only for more concrete reasons. "The money is reaching a parity between the two landscapes," Preston concluded,"While the college game has become more comparable in this respect, I believe the equilibrium will hold for the sheer fact that now there will always be a job in either circle that pays just a little bit more."

Muppet Newscaster attended City College of New York. He didn't sell out, he bought in. He bought in.