Updated: Wednesday, January 10, 2007

Molders of Men: [Name Redacted]

My un-sincerest apology for not reacting to Monday night's humiliating National Title game. If there is any way to spin this into making me feel better about myself is that I was able to give one very special team the Kiss of Death. It's very rare when one can hold such awe-inspiring power for any brief period of time, (like late-season Texas, and again, you're welcome) and said power should be given the mad props it deserves. Congratulations to the Florida Gators, who's impregnable team speed destroyed literally hours of pre-recorded ESPN analysis. Kudos.

We enter the long, cold, and unforgiving post-season with the broken hearts of jilted lovers, faithful Treviacs. Recently spurned by our object of obsession to face the wintry lean months of the football calendar alone, we look for solace and glimmers of hope. For an unhealthy number of us, that solace is found in the choices of 18-year-old boys. What a tangled web we weave. Fortunes will rise and fall in the next few weeks, and message boards across this great land will become manic, then depressive, then manic once again, sometimes in the span of a few minutes. And while none of us will ever REALLY be able to determine why Random Teen McSpeedster chose his newest baseball cap, maybe he liked the colors, but what we can shed light on are the men behind the scenes, influencing these decisions.

Who are these Molders of Men? These future father figures and football gurus that will play a key role in these boys' lives for the next four years, and perhaps irreversibly alter the trajectory of their careers? Let's take a closer look:

Name: [Name Redacted]

Current position: Head Coach, University of Illinois 2005-Present

Previous notable position(s):
Head Coach, University of Florida 2002-2005

water skiing, polishing his guns

Current hoopty: Rolls Royce golf cart w/gold package. Possibly on 20s.

Playing Style: Defense-oriented. High energy, known to scream nonsensically.

Playing Time?: Given the current Illini roster, almost any recruit has a chance to play immediately, Zook capitalizes on this notion.

Coaching Style: "A Players' Coach" Zook has been known to sit down and "rap" with his "crew" over a few rounds of "the Xbox."

Recruiting philosophy:
To truly capture the essence of [Name Redacted], one should look no further than the video he sent as Gators head coach to then Hawaii HS OL prospect, Hercules Satele, Jr.

Trev Alberts is an amateur recruitnik. He's still perfecting his hip-swivel.

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