Unified Scene

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's been a long time coming for something like this, and I can't say the Trev is all too surprised or all too pleased to see it go down like this. Well, I guess it could be all for the best as I'm left to stew here in my own private intertubes, continuing to fight the good fight against whatever the hell it is I feel like fighting today. What can I say? I'm a very angry Trev, but I am also a loving and compassionate Trev. So with this, I tell my young apprentice to go forth and do whatever the heck his flights of fancy send him off to. It will all be over soon, I know The Kid. He'll be all committed and "yes, sir Mr. Alberts" for like a month and a half, next thing you know he's looking up how e can make moeny at home by raising endangered alpacas or some crazy shit like that. The internet will set him free, if he could only sack up and take the plunge.

So good riddance I say! I'll build my own college football blogosphere with blackjack! and hookers! Well, maybe not the blackjack. Anyway, this whole crazy thing is going to keep on keeping on whether you all like it or not, but I'll have to say that the Fire Mark May crusade will be taking on a different form, the next book in the Gospel of the Trev I guess. A corporate merger of sorts with plenty of goodwill from our FightinAmish friend over at that House Rock Built. I seem to be losing my loyal sidekick and stenographer while he goes off an tries his hand at a new "joint" in the Spike Lee/Spike Jonze sense of the word.

Godspeed, kid. I will hunt you down like the wild dog you are and kill you in your sleep, but I mean that in the most respectful way. You all haven't heard the last of the Trev. I swear a binding blood oath to myself to make you rue this day. On my self, I swear it.

2008 CFB: Best New Blog

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It seems the interwebs have found some way back into our dusty corner of the blogosphere, so we might as well put our best face forward for all the shiny cameras and the many peepers that will be gracing our site. Kid! We're calling a truce in the name of this fine sport of college football blogging, and because the Trev can't let the good folks of the web down. Salt of the earth and a true son of these mountains I am.

Now that we've got that exposition out of the way, it's time to give the award for Best New Blog to one of the following New Blogs, on this 2.0 version of tube-casting blogging interactive playground of 80s references and toilet humor. Maybe we're up to 2.3? I don't know, the Trev does not care for such things. Back to linking the nominees, interns, please form the orchestra as planned.

• Barking Carnival
• The Birddog
  
• Black Heart Gold Pants
• Gate 21
• West By God Virginia

And the winner is, Orson Swindle, for Every Day Should Be Saturday! What? That's not what's going on? I thought we were giving him every award for still writing? No? Not funny? Ok, moving on...you sure we're not giving this thing to that Peter Bean guy? Alright, the winner is...

Black Heart Gold Pants!

I'd like to congratulate the newest members of our fraternal order on their hard work and tireless devotion to keeping that Journey logo on their site. It takes determination and guts to rock the Perry as hard as they do over there, and this red-blooded American Trev salutes them for it. Oops Pow Surprise, Jebus H Christ, and their tireless crew of Iowa Hawkeye fans do their underground lair of Sports Blog Nation proud. It's always good to see a group of fellow fans band together under the common banner of Michigan bashing and general acts of keeping it real. Kudos, sirs, Kudos.

As for the actual award, well there's a little bit of a problem with that. You can take it from my cold, dead, Trev hands! Sure, we have left this once proud meme building engine in neglect, but that doesn't give you whippersnappers the right to just waltz in here and take what is still rightfully mine! You and your daily updates and your weekly traffic numbers and your hard working journalistic integrity...its time to take care of you in the only fashion a botched ceremony turned ambush is allowed...

STEEL FOLDING CHAIR



Sorry for the shenanigans everyone. While he's getting that out of his system, and properly restrained, we'd like to pass the baton to the next award in this year's presentation, Best Looking Blog. Of course, they've got the Pimpala driving longhorn himself, Mr. Bean, to take care of things over at Burnt Orange Nation at 3:00pm.

Again, just want to thank everyone for stopping by and assure you all that the building has suffered only minor structural damage. Drive home safely.

-the kid.

Ezekiel 28:15

I think its about time we let you all in on the horrifying truth. This charade has gone on too long, months even, with lackluster reporting from the compound. Bloo's figmentatious glee has fallen silent, the Muppets are gathering a fine layer of dust, and I can't remember the last time we sent out the interns for a real dose of mischief. This can all be explained, but I'm going to ask the few loyal Trevians we have left to take the closest seat for this one.

Our Leader has abandoned us.



The Trev, Il Duce Emeritus himself, has fallen like the Morningstar and chosen to wreck vengeance on our beloved blogosphere. Like a tired interwebs metaphor, he is hunting down the noble blogging order and striking them down in the name of the Evil Empire. None shall be spared his wrath, not even Master Swindle.

So, we have hidden in secret. Destroying our own traffic just to lay low in hopes that we may survive the carnage, and putting out only our weakest efforts when necessary to remind all that there is still hope. Rebel forces will once again have a voice in this cold and unyielding future, but until then, we proceed with caution.

Rumors of this site's demise have been greatly exaggerated. Until then, we lie in wait, remembering the good times.

A New Car?

Bob Barker: All right Coach Rod, since the original Rod is dead, I'm going to have what his name up in the booth let you know what fabulous prize you can win today.

What's-his-name: It's A BCS CHAMPIONSHIP


(Coach Rod hoots and hollers on stage and almost does the worm, but thinks better of it. He proceeds to flip out, point to his lovely wife in the crowd, and gives Bob a big ol' bearhug.)

What's-his-name: That's right, its a 2009 BCS championship! Hand crafted crystal in the crystal mines of deepest darkest Ireland, next year's trophy is exquisitely furnished by the talented trophy smiths of Waterford. This, fully sanctioned NCAA honor can be yours if the Price is Right.

Rod: Me Wantee! (still flailing wildly, he points to wife again, mouths "I love you, baby!")

Bob: Ok, Rod. Now just calm down for a second. In order to get to that BCS title, you're going have to play one of our pricing games, and it just so happens to be a favorite of mine. We're going to play Cliffhanger!



Rod: Alright. Alright. I can do this. Lay it on me, Bob, just lay it on me.

Bob: Ok, Rich. Now, the object of the game is to get the correct amount for the following three items without going over 25. That's all three items, combined, Rich, and as you get them wrong our cliffhanger is going to scale this treacherous trail of his inch by inch. Ok then, Rich?

Rod: I got it, Bob.

Bob: Alright. Random announcer guy, tell us the first item for Rich here today.

Guy: Our first item is a collection of tenured assistant coaches, Bob. The entire staff of former Michigan legend Lloyd Carr from coordinators Ron English and Mike DeBord to the strength guy and decades of experience between them. Hail to the victors with these familiar faces.

Bob: Ok, Rich. how many assistants do you want to keep?

(The crowd comes to life, yelling out an assortment of numbers at a frantic pace. Coach Rod, once again consulting the wife, holds up what appears to be a combination of 5 and 7. It may be sign language. Satisfied with his decision he leans in to Bob's microphone.)

Rod: Zero, Bob! WHOOO!

Bob: Let's see how you did, Rich.

(The cliffhanger climbs his craggly peak, yodeling along his merry way.)


Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....

Bob: Oh, that's not a good start, Rich! Not a good start at all! Looks like the gentlemen thought you should have kept all of those Michigan men, and that's too bad, Rich. Now, you're going to have to do better on the next item, or else you're just going to dig yourself deeper, and we don't want that, do we Rich?

Rod: No way, Bob!

Bob: No way, indeed, Rich! Now let's hope you'll have better luck with the next item from Guy.

Guy: Our second item today are an assortment junior college transfers, Bob. JUCO brand junior college transfers have been known across the country to provide quick fixes to new and old coaches alike. Whether installing a new offense or defense, or just looking to keep your career rolling, look no further than JUCO brand transfers. JUCO! Because you can!

(Again, the crowd erupts in an orgy of vicarious opinion. Coach Rod once again consults the mob for their input, nods to himself, and turns to Bob for his answer.)

Rod: I think I'm going to shoot for nine, here Bob!

Bob: Nine?

Rod: Yeah, Bob. I'm sure on this one. I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

Bob: Are you sure?

Rod: Yeah, definitely sure.

Bob: Alrighty.

Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....


Bob: Oh noooooooooooo, Rich.

Rod: SON OF A BITCH!

Bob: That's not the number we needed, Rich. We needed a low number! We needed a low number! Zero would have likely been best! It seems we've got ourselves into quite a jam here.

Rod: It certainly sucks, Bob.

Bob: Yes, it does. But, the good news is that you've still got a chance on our last item. Guy?

Guy: Our last items today are a pile of Letters of Intent. 2008 Letters of Intent from a perennially stout Michigan recruiting class. Well into the teens, this crop of potential Midwestern talent would do well for any program hoping to compete on a national stage.

Bob: Now, Rich. We're going to ask you to do something a little bit different here, so listen carefully. How many of those letters do you think you can keep? How many of those letters do you think you can keep?

(The crowd bursts into opinion one last time. Coach Rod is in a frenzy. His eyes darting all around the crowd for the correct answer. He finally settles on ignoring them all together and motions to Bob confirm in his answer.)

Rod: All of them Bob.

Bob: All of them is not a number, Rich.

Rod: I don't care! ALL OF THEM!

Bob: I don't know about this. I'm going to have to ask the gentlemen for a ruling. Gentlemen, can we accept "All of Them?"

(A car horn blares over the PA, signaling approval of the answer.)

Bob: Ok

Cliffhanger: Yodelyodely yodley yodley yodely yo de yodley....

Bob: Oh no....Oh dear. This doesn't look good for you Rich.


Rod: AW HAYSTACKS!

(A trombone plays the well known Price is Right theme in a minor key, as is its wont. Coach Rod has lost.)

Bob: Cheer up, Rich. We'll see you right after these words to spin the Wheel of Death.

FireMarkMay watches too much daytime television.

Return to Sneakyness

By Broderick West Quinnsington IV
Local Ne'er Do Well

BWAH-HAHAHAHAAH! NYAH-HAHAHAHAHAHA!

Just when you think I had been long forgotten, swept off into the ether of old news, I return, triumphantly to expose my deception, trickery, and other forms of dastardly derring-do! Most of my work has been done in secret this year, as my efforts have focused on revenge against those who spurn true talent! How else does one believe the Miami Dolphins could be so horrible in the face of mind-numbing parity in the professional leagues? No matter! But, I will suggest everyone take a look at the iron-cladness of Cam Cameron's contract, not to mention which mustache-twirling notary public has aided in sealing the fate of the franchise.

ENOUGH! Let us get back to the business at hand. Long has my trickeration been absent from these halls. Oh, how they echo with the howls of agony and the cruelty of past defeats. I only wish I could have been around more this season, but it seems I had been undercut by other less expensive forms of chaos. All of these upsets seemed to go on unaided by my own hand, but I would like to take some credit in pioneering the evil footballing arts. So, without further adieu, get me some interns to wheel in my Wheel of Death! Interns? Anyone? Hello? Fiddlesticks, Ill just do it myself...damn it all! Look at what they've done to you, my precious wheel, all dusty and what not, and it seems Mr. Alberts may have used you as a water closet at some point. Let's clean you up....

BEHOLD THE WHEEL OF DEATH!!!!!!!

Tremble at the sight of it! My glorious wheel has spun and spun, leaving the whole of the BCS system in upheaval! Revel in the fetid stench of corruption as this bowl season gives us such feats of despondence!


The Fat Man, in all of his corpulence, graces this year's BCS despite losing to once top-ranked Missouri and having a pitiful strength of schedule! Sure, Mizzou lost last, you might say, but only because they defeated the Jayhawks! Now, they must be exiled to the lesser bowls, unable to reap in the benefits of national exposure, despite being ranked higher in the BCS! Clearly, the largesse of Mangino has perswadded blazer-clad organizers that Kansas is a larger draw than Missouri. Be conpuzzled by the thought! This leaves Missouri in the long-forgotten Cotton Bowl against....

THE CERTIFIABLE HOUSTON NUTT! At least we think. The man known only as crazier than a sack full of weasels makes my black heart smile with his duplicity. He will possibly lead his Arkansas Razorbacks in Dallas, but one thinks what could have been of Mizzou had the cruel BCS not been involved. A good showing might have allowed them to back into some kind of champeenship under the old system, now they have no chance at a long shot, and a meaningless exhibition trip to the Texas State Fairgrounds! Extol their cruel fate I shall! Speaking of cruel fate, behold my henchman in the chaos....

The malevolent Wannstache! Only his boorish backyard brawling could deliver the death blow to the noble couchburners of the Appalachias! Their late season stumble contributed to the bubbling cesspool of the final results, and their reward for such failure is a BCS bid, but there is another cruel twist, for they must head to Tempe to face a team that knows it all too well...

The Oklahoma Sooners, out for revenge in the desert, will surely be ready to crush all who oppose them into a fine powder. Pepper their porridge they will, and the remaining allure of biggest non-title matchup will crumble twixt their pestle and mortar, leaving us with the final display of BCS incompetence from none other than the Baron of Incompetence himself!

The coach without a name! The [Fighting Redacted] have stumbled their way into the Rose Bowl, thanks mainly to the embarrassment that is the Michigan Wolverines and the overall bore that a rematch with SC would invite. This leaves the orange-clad neophytes being thrown to the lion's den itself, the granddaddy of them all, the winter home of the Trojan Horde. They are out of their weight class in this one, and I don't think the various wagering houses can devise a line high enough to handicap their fortunes. I wager a whole two pence that at least 5 former Indian chiefs will be torn asunder into little itty-bitty pieces by the end of the fixture!

This leaves us with the relatively unexciting coronation of my favorite familiar, the werewolf with a chained saw for genitalia!
Behold as it is gifted a title match in its own domicile! The darkened skies will foreshadow the coming of thousands upon thousands of local fans that are both raging and of Cajun descent. The unending wails of the Buckeyes shall know no bounds as they are once again humiliated on the largest stage, shaming themselves and their conference once more! So it is written! SO SPINS THE WHEEL OF DEATH!

Broderick West Quinnsington IV is a charlatan of the highest order. His zeppelin is currently in the shop.

Week 14 Trevonics: Championosity

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Oh for Pete's sake! Is this season over yet? There has been so much craziness, so much sheer ridiculousness, I mean Missouri, MISSOURI!, of all people, are number 1, that the Trev has just had too much awesome overloading his Trev circuits. Its almost too much for anyone to bear, and admittedly, I have been in an extended weakened state due to the excessive drinking that accompanies said understanding of the 2007 season. So, without further excusing, procrastinating, or superfluosity, the scoreboard entering the homestretch!

Week 13 Results:
Against the Spread: 10-5
Straight Up: 9-6

Season to date:
Against the Spread: 96-102-3
Straight Up: 138-61

The dream of being somewhat respectable against the demon spread is still within reach for me, loyal Trevians. With a good showing in this championship weekend, I can claim at least parity with the foul German gamblers and declare moral victory in the face of such incredulous results. I'm going to save the Trev-polls for when the dust settles, but its pretty much academic in certain regards. Missouri wins and theyre in. Same for West Virginia. After that? Well, we might just have to consult our long lost ne'er do well to fill us in on his secret dastardly plans.

Virginia Tech (-7) over Boston College
The glorious ACC title game in sunny Jacksonville County! Scenic vistas, hard fought football, and plentiful cabs, all huddled around a vibrant urban nightlife! Not one thing I have said those two sentences is the least bit true. I. Effing. Hate. Jacksonville. The lazy bastards couldn't even name their individual towns and cities. Yes, I know thats a copout excuse, but I can't think of any good reason to defend this "largest city." VT over BC in a walk, once again embarrassing the ACC in what I hope will traditionally become the "forgotten" title game.
Trev's pick: Virginia Tech

Louisiana State (-7.5) over Tennessee
Behold, the last ride of Les Miles and his immortal chainsaw. I'm not adding to the speculation of his participation in the always twirling SEC coaching carousel, but this may very well be the last we see of the werewolf geauxrilla lacerating hybrid that are the LSU Tigers, at least in a meaningful game. The so-called Super Bowl of The Southland, so-called by the Me, is going to be rough, its going to be tough, but its not going to be close. LSU is going to be in "go big or go home" mode attempting to 2-loss their way into the title game by brute force. This reduces the chance of this game being decided on a last minute field goal, and more likely by multiple scores.
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

UCLA (+20) over Southern Cal
I know. I know. I KNOW! UCLA is just absolutely horrible. I really can't argue anyway around it, as their only memorable games are beating a hobbled Oregon and losing to Notre Dame. However, the state of college football at this moment has allowed this game to determine the PAC-10 champion. Granted, the Bruins don't control their own destiny, but they wear the underdog hat so well, especially against the Trojans, that this game is going to be closer than most think. The Trojan Horde offense may be once again fully operational, but I can't discount the Dorrell shoulder chip. I won't split the pick on the merit of the chaos this game could cause.
Trev's pick: UCLA

Oregon State (even) over Oregon
Oregon is a broken team. They are physically broken in the matter of Mr. Dixon's leg, and spiritually broken that now that they have a Pac-10 Leaf brother under center. Although Brady Leaf probably isn't getting 100% of the snaps, and why should he, his mere presence on the two-deep casts a deathly pallor on the proceedings. Where once this game would have been Ducks -14.5, now we have the Pacific Northwest's Civil War at a pick 'em. This is our season, Go Beavers!
Trev's pick: Oregon State

West Virginia (-28.5) over Pittsburgh
I will only say this to the scrappy Mountaineers: this line is more than about covering. This line is the bar to the national title game. If you cannot clear this bar, WfnVU, you open the door to all kinds of shenanigans Sunday morning, and I don't just mean the activities or your average post game holding cell. Take care of business, and there are no excuses. Slit the Wannstache's throat, spread option style.
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Oklahoma (-3) over Missouri
You may even want to chalk this one up as a reverse jinx, as earlier in the season, Missouri looked like they could run right along side the Sooner Schooner. A few bad bounces either way, and the Sooners might not have been even in this game, let alone the national title discussion. Not so fast my friends, the Tigers still play in the North, so that marks them for a blowout of Big XII Title proportions. Doing my best Bill Swerski impression, Sooners 385-Tigers tree.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Arizona State (-7) over Arizona
Ladies and gentlemen, your potential PAC-10 champions, the Arizona State Sun Devils! Volcano golfcarts for all! Hail Satan! If ASU can take care of business and UCLA pulls the improbable once more, the Best Ever Death Metal Band out of Tempe is headed to Pasadena. They get the pick just on that merit, and all of the Erickson stories Ill get to watch for the next month. Hail Satan!
Trev's pick: Arizona State

Hawaii (-14.5) over Washington
The Vicious Animals get a psuedo-bowl game against the Warriors....and that's about all there is to that. Has there ever been 3000 yards of total offense in a single game?
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He regrets nothing.

This Year

I broke free on a Saturday morning
I put the pedal to the floor
headed north on mills avenue
and listened to the engine roar

my broken house behind me
and good things ahead
a girl named Cathy
wants a little of my time
six cylinders underneath the hood
crashing and kicking
aha!
listen to the engine whine

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i played video games in a drunken haze
i was seventeen years young
hurt my knuckles punching the machines
the taste of scotch rich on my tongue

and then Cathy showed up
and we hung out
trading swigs from a bottle
all bitter and clean
locking eyes
holding hands
twin high maintenance machines

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

i drove home in the California dusk
i could feel the alcohol inside of me hum
pictured the look on my stepfather's face
ready for the bad things to come
i down shifted
as i pulled into the driveway
the motor screaming out
stuck in second gear
the scene ends badly
as you might imagine
in a cavalcade of anger and fear

there will be feasting and dancing
in Jerusalem next year

i am going to make it through this year
if it kills me
i am going to make it though this year
if it kills me

-irishoutsider