Posted with comment

We try to keep our soapbox locked securely in Trev's office, as he tends to use it only for imaginary soapbox derbies and as a dais for the occasional stuffed animal military rally. However, I feel that from time to time I need to borrow it from under the nose of Bloo's bedazzling arts and crafts time to say a few words about my beloved Fighting Irish. I feel that its use in such ludicrous circumstances is warranted.

Kevin White, Athletic Director of the University of Notre Dame, continues to embarrass the storied tradition of Notre Dame Football until it is nothing more than a glorified traveling circus. There is no substance to his recent actions, from corporate sellouts to jumbotron inquiries to playing Wazzou in the middle of Texas, other than sheer revenue-whoring. This practice should be considered an insult to every Irish fan, pure exploitation of our football history.

More learned Notre Dame enthusiasts have carefully constructed this argument much better than myself, so I will direct you to the fine people at ND Nation and Blue Gray Sky to learn more.

That said, all future references to Mr. White's hair-brained schemes shall be made under the assumption that he is, in fact, flash-toon pioneer, Homestar Runner.

Notre Dame AD Kevin White, sponsored by Adidas.

For further review, I present the classic short "Thing in a Bag" as a metaphor for Kevin White's savvy negotiating of the college football landscape.

*Update-We've pushed the flash movie off of the site. You can still watch it at Homestarrunner.com at this link.

Thank you for your time. We now return to our regularly scheduled general referencing and ramblings.

-irishoutsider

The running of the voles

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Today marks a great day in the history of this unborn college football season, the official blog premiere of the Las Vegas proposition bets, first appearing over at The Wizard of Odds. Before I get to a more specific analysis of the early returns, a more in-depth look at the rich history and the glorious tradition of the secret world of the bookmakers, also known as the American Rotary Club.

The shadowy organization known to us as the Rotary Club is actually an intricate network of degenerate gamblers, organized only by their depravity, shielded from prying eyes through their enormously generous charitable donations and accompanying pancake breakfasts. Buffalo bruncheons were canceled in 1836 due to scarcity. The Rotrarians worship Fate and all of its fortuitous whimsy, symbolized by the circular gear in their logo. The Gear was added in 1921 further disguise themselves as a legitimate industrial concern. Andrew Carnegie's cousin, Silas Carnegie, the famous vole-shipping magnate, was a legendary member behind the change and also famous for correctly wagering on the Boxer Rebellion, but none of this is important. Present Day, the crux of the Rotary Club's power and influence lies in Las Vegas, where they pull the hidden strings on the entire local gaming industry and practice their bizarre rituals in the underground meeting centers of oft-neglected downtown casinos. Rotrarians are the true setters of the Vegas line, a blood line that has been passed down since the days of King Solomon, and determine all proposition bets in the dark ritual known only as Four-legged Rounders. Every July, following the traditional feast of the Luprecal, and just before the local pancake breakfast, hordes of members flood the underground passageways bunkered beneath The Mint casino. There amongst the discarded table felt and copious supplies of slave labor, they meet in their inner-sanctum of book-making, home to their spinning arena.

The game is simple. A large spinning wheel covers the surface of the arena floor, and the perimeter of said wheel contains 51 identical holes, each labeled with the previous year's top 50 football teams. The 51st spot is left vacant in homage to Gamblor, their neon diety. In recent years, this spot has been known to represent "the field," when applicable. At the third call of the conch horn, all assembled members proceed to sing the sacred Rotrarian hymn, Camptown Races in the traditional French. Following the coda, 51 four-legged woodland creatures, ranging from the smallest marmot to the mangiest skunkbear are let loose upon the twirling battlefield. Each "varmint" has a number between 4 to 11 (accounting for half-steps) painted upon its greasy coat in indelible ink. When a forest-dweller reaches a marked hole by either mortal combat or fleeing, the opening line is set for the corresponding team. The result is a beautifully gamy display of chance in its purest form.

With that exposition out of the way, let's take a look at some of the early results:

Regular season victories(Team must play all regular season games for action. Bowl and conference championship games do not count.)

10.5
Louisiana State
-A true challenge of the over/under, basically a straight-up bet on LSU's "for real"-ness and "run-the-table"-osity. The added .5 makes this a head-scratcher.

10
Louisville, Michigan, Oklahoma, Texas
-The "of course THEY'll be good, right?" group, teetering on the edge of awesomeness while threatening all with the masked shame of 9 wins. The only real purchase should be Louisville, as they tend to only play 2 real games anyway. The other three retain the right to break your heart.

9.5
California, Florida, Florida State, Penn State
-A much more clear-cut group. Cal and Florida are strong buys to get 10 wins while both Florida and Penn State still struggle to show they can win without playing the games on paper. On talent alone, the whole set is underpriced.

9
Auburn, Georgia, Nebraska, Ohio State, Tennessee, UCLA
-An extremely tricky group as each team has a little voice inside them that screams "8 and 4." Not every SEC team can have 10 wins, can they? UCLA is probably most likely to get 9 or more with Nebraska and Ohio State's schedules helping them bring up the rear.

8.5
Alabama, Iowa, Miami
-A set that can only be described as "you don't know any better." These teams sound like they could get 9 wins, but what do we really know? Dark horses all around. Optimism leans towards Alabama and pessimism away from Iowa and Miami.

8
Arkansas, Clemson, Texas Tech
-This entire set just gives me a bad feeling. Enticing, considering previous accomplishments and/or potentially explosive offensivity, but overall, I would simply just stay away then wait for a push.

7.5
Kansas State, Notre Dame, Texas A&M
-Notre Dame and A&M have the ability to get 8 wins, so this one's basically for Aggies and Irish fans. K-State just feels like a stretch.

7
Arizona, Georgia Tech, Oregon, South Carolina
-Two teams who will flirt with 7 wins and two teams who will get 7 wins on their heads. I'll let the readers pan it out.

6
Kansas
-The fat man is worth 6 wins alone.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He enjoys a good tasty vole every now and again.

NCAA 2008: An Early Treatise (with hobos)

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

First impressions are in, and my original conclusion is that this wonderful edition of the game shall cause us all to lose our livelihoods. Rejoice and be glad, noble Trevians, soon we shall all be riding the rails, Xbox bindles in hand, and hurtling towards the inevitable hobo quickening, that time when all the worlds hobos assemble to do battle in this great electronic gladiation of metal and brawn.

Basic Gameplay:
First things first, how does it play? Without saying, the obvious graphical upgrades pop off the screen in glorious HD. Should you have the means, I highly recommend it. From that certain sheen of new unis, to the gradual wear and tear of an oft-visited endzone, the details are wonderful. While I've yet to commit to whether the game lends itself more to the ground or air battling, upgrades in animations and "feel" are going to change how we play the game. Long gone are superman dives and arm-tackles. You have to take it on, make real commitments on defense, or you will become as House Rock Built will note "dicked."

Overall, bound to cause many many nights of wholesome entertainment, symbolized by e-hobo.com's hobo #690 Chiptooth Berman, the Bottle Biter.


Dynasty:
1a to playing your buddies over a round of brew-dizzles or the internet is Dynasty mode. This year's version can only be described as "Excessive Compulsive." The in-season recruiting board has now expanded to 35 players as well as 20 separate "pitches" and promises your coach can make to seal the deal. Keep your word, integrity ratings increase. Don't? It catches up to you, kind of like Houston Nutt. I would have liked to see scheduling contracts and neutral site games, but that would involve a whole other layer of Athletic Dept. simming, but I don't think the world is ready for that obsession in EA form.

A stalwart of the series remains unblemished, and now we can recruit Canada!
Bring in #71, Canadian Football League Pete!


Create-a-player/Campus Legend:
Speaking of Canada, the robust player creator allowed me to place myself, and my 80 pts of calf development, into the Canadian HS playoffs, working hard for my dreams to play in the Americas. As a young whippersnapping scrambling QB in Chambly, Montreal, I must play 4 games at storied "High School Stadium" against Canada's finest prep schools. The biggest twist to legend mode this year, and dynasty for that matter, is the Super Sim. In Campus Legend, you ONLY control plays you are in on. Repeat. That's it. You don't call the plays, you don't play both ways, you sim to the next time you get to touch the ball, and then, only control yourself. A bold decision that may define the mode, if I must say. Whatever, Trev QB #8 is doing his best impression of the Sex Cannon, audibling, effing it, and going deep, son.

We're going deep. Hobo #189: Skywise, the Sexual Elf.

Xbox Live Multiplayer:
Last but not least, the omega of any EA yearly sports title, the online play. Wrapped seamlessly into the games menus, theres no need to log in to servers or crap as long as your connected to Live. Quick matches and custom setups are easy to get going, but stay the hell away from the lobbies. I love the 1337 speek as much as the next guy, but not....thi....s......sloww........here's hoping its just opening day jamming, and I'll be back to pwning in no time.

Last but not least, that worldly archetype of the hobos, #171 Twink, the Reading-Room Snoozer


Trev Alberts is a former Nebraska Cornhusker. He is currently playing HS football in the hobo-free woods of upper Canadia.

Prepare the list

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Begin the stockpiling of provisions! The media room must be filled to capacity for the long trials that await us. Kid, get thee to the nearest GameStop and don't tarry! Interns, begin the compiling while I run throught the checklist in handy blogged bullet format:

• (1) Copy of NCAA Football 2008 for Xbox 360
• Nerdy headset for interactive Trev-bashing
• Side of beef, slow-roasting for (12) hours on open flame
• Hot sauce
• (2) bottles of Barenjager, chilled
• Copies of Phil Steele's College Football 2007, the unofficial strategy guide
• Sparks
• rechargeable batteries
• adult diapers
  
• intertubes set to tonight's Steele packed edition of EDSBS Live
• individually wrapped moist towelettes
  
• pine bench for non-playing spectators
• ship-in-bottle kits to pass time
• whiteboard for perpetual dynasty mapping

That about covers it. Our fearless editor will be most likely rejiggering his beloved Irish roster and playbook into some kind of crazy Wishbone-spread hybrid whatsit, so he'll likely be bringing his own knifewrench for TD celebrations. (Demetrius Jones: 83 OVR, 88 SPD, 92 THP, 84 THA, what! -IO)



Trev Alberts is a current CSTV blogging type guy. He enjoys the smoky flavor of mesquite

The End is Near!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Saints be praised! The preseason officially begins tomorrow with the release of NCAA Football 2008. I can wholeheartedly say that this past week has simply been one long bender, preparing us all for the mayhem, online mayhem, and other assorted mayhems that will begin once we fire up the 360 for another season knee deep in two deeps and recruiting pitches. Its like tailgating practice, practice for games that dont exist.

Running Barenjager tally: 3
New Trev rule: "Anyone buying one bottle of the Bearhunter must buy TWO bottles of the Bearhunter."
Additional known-alias: Honey-meister

I'm keeping myself purposely in the dark about all of the new wrinkles in this year's update to the popular gaming addiction. Expect a full first impression report from the desk of Trev as soon as I recover from the awesomeness. We're putting Bloo and the interns on full alert: There are to be no fires or mock naval battles in the media room until the awesomeness is fully calibrated. We don't want to mess with the equilibrium. Last time that happened, Mario Party was somehow 80% more Japanese, and that's how Octoberfest started.

So, consider yourself warned, college football intertube blogosphere. You will all be pwned by the Trev in due time! Meanwhile, enjoy superfluous gypsy punk celebratory strike!



Trev Alberts is a former ESPN football analyst type. He is currently burning his copy of 2007 to form a festive campfire.

Gogol Bordello: Because I can, and I will

In no small part because Gogol Bordello's new album, "Super Taranta," was released today, we're taking a break from our normally lightish posting to bring the gypsy punks and their underdog world strikes to our corner of the interweb.



Consider it just another distraction in this eye of the offseason's hurricane. 7 days to 2008.

-irishoutsider

A Very Prussian Independence Day

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

This is a cause for celebration! As you may already know, the Trev engine does not run on pure Alberts fuel alone. Many things, the least of which being consumable, non-consumable, and probably toxic substances, are the metaphorical coal shoveled by imaginary sailors managing the fictional furnace of my soul. Today, I am pleased to announce to the world, the discovery of a new combustable that I am sure will stir men's souls much as it is stirring mine. Gentlemen, I give you Barenjager!

Just marvel as it glistens in the in the light. It's viscous honey liqueur is a wonderful dose of medieval mead, and 70 proof to boot! 15th century fermentation, huzzah! Huzzah, I say! Loosely translated, Barenjager is "Das Baernhunten", "Der Baerhuntarr," or the anglo "Bear-hunter." All I know is, this stuff is honey based karaoke fuel! Phenomenal! (Boilerplate disclaimer here: enjoy all liquors, exotic and domestic, responsibly. At least more responsibly that Mr. Alberts-IO)

I feel like writing a sonnet, or a limerick, or whatever the hell those renaissance types did to pass the time between drinking festivals. A whole new Jager! It's like I've discovered some lost continent or something where we all wear shoes on our hands and hamburgers eat people! You there! Man on the street! What day is it? WHAT YEAR IS IT! Drinking Baerhunter is like traveling through time at the speed of regular time. But, more importantly, it raises the question, are there more varieties of Jager out there? It's like alcoholic Pokemans or something. I must drink them all if these two German cousins are so tastefully delicious.

Not to mention the other nickname, The Baron. This stuff should be imbibed in a snifter while wearing a monocle with a name conjuring up images like that. Flying around in dirigibles and whatnot. Fanciful indeed!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He moonlights as a Jager sommelier.