Hand check

By Kirk Herbstreit
ESPN.com

Trev, I need to borrow a moment of your time. I'm pretty sure the suits won't let me put some of this stuff on my corporate blog. Thanks.

If I could be serious for a moment, I'd like to address the fanatic masses huddled around their computer screens as I speak. There have been a few stories floating around the internet lately about the moral fiber of my fellow fans of The Ohio State University. I would like to say that these stories, on the whole, do NOT accurately represent the Buckeye Nation.

I know what you're saying. Kirk, what about this guy? Wasn't he caught pleasuring himself in a public library? Surely, ALL Ohio State fans must do the same! That is just a blatant generalization. I mean, we all enjoy a good walk in the park after the Buckeyes win, but this kid was determined. He could have gone out and burned some furniture with the rest of us, but he chose to celebrate in his own way. Is it a crime to be passionate about football? Hell no! Let's break down that tape. He's got a motor that just won't quit, he's ambidextrous AND he's got great field vision. See him pump fake that librarian? He's a gamer. All day tough this kid.

Stay classy, Columbus.

Not much can be said about this guy, though. No excuse for chatting online with 13-year-old boys, unless you're trying to get them on a scholarship to Columbus. How do we know this guy wasn't a booster? Text messaging is still legal, right? I know, I know, the kid's probably not a junior, but who can wait 7 years? If we can't jump our own kids, we leave the door wide open to other coaches! Wait, that came out wrong. You know what I mean. All I'm saying is of course he tried to meet the boy in person, its not smart to mail cash.

Here's to the best damn stached fans in the land. If loving your team is wrong, I don't want to be right, even if that love leaves streaks.

Thanks for the favor, Trev. I'll try to slip in a good word for you.

Kirk Herbstreit can be seen this fall on ESPN's College Gameday. He is currently pantsless.

I don't know what we're yelling about....

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Apparently, its time for completely unfounded predictions. Between spring games and summer practice, us media types have nothing better to do than to rile up message boards everywhere with shots-in-the-dark like this. Ok, you want to dance, interweb? Try these on for size.

• Ohio State will be ESPN's next schoolyard crush. It could be Bonds-esque.
• USC will assume role of "scrappy underdog overcoming bad press" despite still having one of the top 5 most talented programs in the country.
• The SEC will have an undefeated team going into November that has played 4 cupcakes and an overrated rivalry game. I can't say which one.



BC and blue turf, the latest Xmas tradition.

• After being embarrassed by Charlie Weis once again, a now insane Joe Tiller will flee to Canada.
• MSU will lose a game they were expected to dominate. No one will be surprised when John L. Smith completely ignores Holly Rowe attempting a post-game interview.
• The Red River shootout will be over by halftime.
• Nebraska will strike fear into the heart of every pundit with a BCS doomsday scenario.
• Washington will wish it still had Idaho on the schedule.
• UCF will be the only bright spot in the state of Florida. Book it.
  
• Boston College will once again win the Micron Computers MPC Bowl in Boise.
• A repeat of the 1984 Holiday Bowl is a distinct possibility.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He's gotten too much sun this weekend.

COME ON!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I finallly get over my hangover only to be greeted by THIS. Unbelievable, ESPN, unbelievable. These new broadcasting lineups are just plain wrong. First of all, none of them include me. How many muffin baskets does a guy need to send out to get some attention over there? I would fit in perfectly with any of those setups, yes, even the weeknight crew with Lou and Mark.

It would be so great if Lou and I could team up to backhand Mark's completed biased, unresearched analysis on live television. There would have to be some darn interesting mid-week MAC matchups, or else that "controversial" jackass would be getting served for about 3 hours nightly. I'm sure he's used to that by now. Poor guy's already going to get served nightly by an old-timer like Lou Holtz, I just want to pile on the fun.

Boob is clearly reading for some footbaw.

As for those so-called "primetime" teams? No offense to Mr. Davie, but its foot-BALL. THERE'S A FREAKING L AT THE END! DAMN! Sorry...I've been holding that in for a long, long time. Wow though, him and Herbstreit in the same booth PLUS Brent Musberger? Yikes. Kirk will barely get a word in edgewise with those two rambling, Brent with his lateset Heisman man-crush and Boob with his "When I coached footbaw" routine.

Have fun with that college football fans, maybe it'll work out. Its not likely without yours truly in the equation, but hey, whatre you going to do?

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. This season he can be seen at home daily.

Howzit!

By Neil Everett
ESPN.com

Hey there, Trev. Love the site. I'm sure Mark will slip up sooner or later and say something he probably shouldn't have. I know all about that. You'd think the Worldwide Leader would have a better sense of humor. This network basically created the smarmy anchor. Olberman would totally have gone there.

In case you're wondering, I've already patched things up with Boomer. In fact, that's why I'm here. Turns out, Mr. Berman wants me to invite you to his annual Memorial Day Bumblin' Stumblin' Bar-B-Q out here at Bristol.

If we can keep John Kruk to two buffet trips, the BSBBQ will be a rousing success.

This year's BSBBQ will feature:

• Open bar, sponosred by the Budweiser Hot Seat
• All-you-can-eat burgers, brats, and ribs
  
• BBTN Kids area featuring Rob "the Math-magician" Neyer and story time with Peter Gammons
• Most Obscure Nickname Contest
  
• "Find Kenny Mayne's Career" Scavenger Hunt
• and much, much more!

Hope you and the family come on out, Trev. Don't worry. We're sending Mark out to Pittsburgh to get Wannstedt for Sunday Conversation. Total head-fake. No way we'd air that! Sucker...

Neil Everett can be seen nightly on ESPN's Sportscenter. He is currently in time out.

Quick Link

Editor's note:

Trev's sleeping off last night on the futon, so I thought I'd step in and give a brief interweb high-five to The House Rock Built for linking us. Fightinamish writes a great college football humor blog with a heavy ND slant over there, so if you actually found my site on its own, go give HRB a look.

It'll be linked on the sidebar too...or until I get a fancy blogroll for Mr. Alberts.
Its the least I could do considering HRB practically built this site.

Thanks again.

-irishoutsider

Not again...

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I have to stop doing this. I should have learned my lesson last thursday. This time, I wind up in the middle of freaking Colorado thanks to Frank "the Tank" Solich. I don't call him "the tank," he kind of self-applied the label in the middle of last night's karaoke finale. "No Sleep till Brooklyn" quickly morphed into "No Sleep till Denver!" as Frank did a body shot off a Hooters waitress and stormed out the door. He was my ride, so my hands were tied.

Next thing I know, we're barrelling into Colorado in Frank's old Cutlass, and he's going on and on about how there's opportunity in town, where the beer flows like wine. I figure out what he's yammering about as we pull up to the Broadmoor resort, host of the annual Big 12 commissioners meetings. Opportunity indeed. I can get a head start on gunning for some kind of commentator gig while Frank sleeps off his tequila buzz in the car. I move him into the passenger's seat, and I give the valet $10 to get us and spot with easy out, I figure we'll need it.

Founded as a gambling casino in 1891, you'd think the Broadmoor would have seen this coming.

I guess when your athletic programs can cash in on over $100 million dollars in revenue, you can class it up in a hotel like the Broadmoor. Whew! I'm sure I've been escorted out of nicer places, but only a few. They've got everything, golf, tennis, schvitz, and a 19th century English pub, The Golden Bee. Its right around the hob-knobbing hour as I get there, so I straighten out my tie and make sure I don't smell too much like spicy chicken wings.

Bellying up to the bar, Nebraska's Steve Pedersen and Bill Callahan recognize me immediately. They break off their conversation and roll up beside me. Bill gets us all a round of Coors, and we start to talk about old times, Bill with the Raiders and me still with ESPN. The guys are convinced the program is set to step it up this year, especially with another pushover game to prop up the old bowl resume. Bill's convinced 10-2 with a North division title is very doable. We're all brimming with confidence when Frank decides to show up.

Things start off very civil. No love lost between Steve and Frank, you can see it in their eyes. Frank buys the next round and conversation quickly turns to how he's turning things around in Ohio, how 9 wins shoud be a reachable goal, and maybe he'll get to play the Huskers by Christmas. Ouch. At this point, voices are raised, bottles are broken, and I have to keep Frank back from shiving these guys. Frank's screamed, "Oh so, 10 wins is good enough for him, eh? I never got embarrassed by ISU or Kansas! I will cut you, Callahan, and that is for real!" Simply stunning.

With that, a couple of large security officers entered the Golden Bee. Frank drops his broken bottle and charges right for them. He jacks the one on the left head on. Bull rush, perfect technique. He follows up with a well-timed swim move and breaks free into the open lobby. I quickly say my goodbyes to the Huskers and start sprinting after him, he's still my ride.

I get to the parking lot, and there he is, splayed out on the roof of the Cutlass, all tuckered out. That tip to the valet really came in handy, as he slowed down the pursuing security long enough for me to get Frank in the car and peel out. We finally got back home sometime around 11 a.m. "The Tank" wouldn't shut up about getting some McDonald's breakfast, but I didn't have the heart to tell him it was too late.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He really could have used a schvitz.

The Man with the Plan

By ESPN Mobile Guy
hopefully of ESPN.com

Trev Alberts! Man, I loved you on College Gameday! Hey, I know how rough it is to be on the outside of ESPN looking in. I've been trying to get in myself like forever, you know? I applied for Dream Job twice although I didn't really hear back from them. That Mike Hall is great, though. I ran into him at the Chipotle the other day. He didn't really say much about ESPN when I was building his burrito, but he totally let me keep the change. Top notch guy. Great hair.

Anyway, its not easy to get into ESPN, as we both know. They don't just let anyone with a restraining order waltz past Jerry and Steve at the front gate. No way! You've got to be clever to get past those guys, wily even. Guys like us are on our own out there! I've had a few ideas on how to break into the compound:

1. Rent policeman's costume, enter unconspicuously.
2. Three words: Ninja Grappling Hook.
3. Seduce Mr. Met, steal security badge.



Mr. Met is a master of disguise. Deceiving him would be no small task.

I figure if I follow any one of these plans, I'm sure to be hosting ESPN Hollywood in no time. No? They don't have that? Could Cold Pizza use another gadget guy? We'll find something...

Best of luck, Trev. Remember, never resist arrest. It makes you look guilty.

ESPN Mobile Guy is at least 500 feet from ESPN.

A bunch of savages in this town.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I know you're on to me, Starbucks girl. I see you giving me the stinkeye while you stock the freshly made lemon squares and cranberry scones. The display case cannot disguise your loathing. Yes, I have been here since 8, do you have a problem with that? It's a free country, I can enjoy your free wireless Internet as long as I enjoy my beverage and keep to myself. What, my headphones are too loud? Sorry, honey, but High School Musical was meant to be enjoyed! If that means a few others are allowed a glimpse of the majesty, then so be it.

I'm enjoying my coffee. Calmer than you are.

See that Disney? I'm still pushing the product! Just doing my bit as part of the ABC/ESPN family, even if we aren't on the best terms right now. You keep putting out that fine brand of wholesome family entertainment and sports programming, and I'll be right here to constantly remind everyone where its at. Constantly. That reminds me.

Kids! Be sure to catch "That's So Raven!" tonight at 6/5c on the Disney Channel!

*Update*
Just went to go get a refill on my Tall Blackberry Green Tea Latte, and that slacker behind the register told me to keep it down! Apparently, dictating my blog entries aloud to myself is worse than my taste in music. You'd think this was a freaking library or something. Honestly, as soon as my 1 week ban from Borders Cafe is over that gloomy bitch will wish she had my 5 sales each morning. Try making your numbers without me, skank. That's right. You heard me. Why don't you crank up that depressing Ani Difranco tripe some more while your girlfriend's on her smoke break? That's what I thought! Fine! Call security! I'm out of here anyway...

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He will be at the Omaha Barnes & Noble Cafe from Noon-5pm today.

The Benchmark

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Clearly, these numbers don't lie. I am much more popular than you, Mr. May. Just look at this chart! That's right, planet Earth, you deem me more interesting than that overblown windbag! While right now, his popularity is slow, steady, and greater than my own, I maintain the overall lead due to a hefty spike this past fall. I am sure that my popularity will spark up yet again, turning this into another loss for Mark. I'm sure he's used to it by now. I own him on NCAA 2006. Bastard won't take my challenges on Xbox Live anymore. Coward.

In case you all are ever curious, Ill keep this link on the sidebar from here on out.

Thanks for all the support, Oklahoma City.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN College Gameday anchor. He is 65-10 (5% disconnect) on Xbox Live.

Much love from out East

By Stuart Scott
ESPN.com

Trev, man, Husker pride all the way. I can feel it. Look, son, sometimes things just don't roll your way, you know? These things happen, and all of us here back at Bristol are pulling for you to get back on your feet. We know you'll be back in the bigs soon, player. I ran into your boy Rece Davis the other day, and he wants you to know that he's got your back and that he misses you something fierce. Your boy is pining, dog, serisouly pining.

Between you and me, Trev? I always thought it was you two carrying that desk, but you didn't hear it from me. I'm so out of it these days. I need to get back into my in-studio flow. Anyways, be sure to holla back at your boys when you get the chance.

Chin up. Here's some quick haikus to help you rise above.

Eye on the prize, Trev.
ESPN ain't the same.
Miss you bad. Booyah.

Gameday studio.
Talentless hack with goatee.
He's no Trev Alberts.

Lou Holtz talks funny.
Rece Davis has helmet hair.
You were top dog, dog.

Stuart Scott can be seen weeknights at 11 p.m. EST on ESPN's Sportscenter. He is very deep, for serious.

The Golden Trev Club Circle Club

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

In light of recent proposed renovations to Michigan Stadium,
I have decided to spruce up the old homestead myself. A few coats of paint and some elbow grease, and I can make my own house as resplendent as The Big House. I am a man with a plan. Let's get to work on the new Alberts home, or as it will be known, YieldGard Field at Alberts Stadium.

First of all, we are going to completely raze the structure and start from the ground up. I should say below the ground up. Once the building is torched in a ceremonial, and perfectly legal, Viking funeral pyre, work will begin on excavating the the new foundation. That's right, just like Michigan Stadium, the House that Trev Built is going to begin as a hole in the ground!

Courtesy of the University of Michigan. Yes, sir. That's a fine fine hole.

From there, a new esplanade will replace my former driveway, complete with modern amenities like merchandise kiosks, a Trev Alberts Hall of Fame, and a Coldstone Creamery. I intend for the walkway to be two fire engines wide and accommodate the high traffic flow I expect before and after college football games. Atop the Coldstone Creamery will be a permanent Gameday studio, perfect for on-site broadcasts with sweeping vistas of the entire compound. No Mark Mays Allowed! Sweet!

Back to the main feature, the stadium itself will have wider concourses, state-of-the-art locker rooms, and will be completely handicapped accessible. Does my family need all of this for their day-to-day business? Heck no! But you know what? Daddy's got some free time on his hands. The kids can get their schoolwork done in the adjoining recruiting lounge while the little woman makes herself at home in the stainless steel commissary. We Alberts men, we eat like an army, and now, honey, you have the tools to cook for one. Who loves you, baby?

You wish you had a Ferris Wheel like that, don't you Mark?

Within the stadium, a stately enclosed pressbox will feature a top-notch media center as well as over 800 club level seats. We're going to call it the Golden Trev Club Circle Club, reserved for those who make significant donations to the Alberts household. Benefits include private suites with autographed portraits of yours truly and a full cash bar. Gratuities are appreciated.

As for the field itself, I've thought long and hard about the aesthetics, and I've decided to maintain a classic, traditional atmosphere within field of play. No advertising, but the new 80ft HD Jumbotron will be able to provide sponsored highlights of all of the action. It's what the fans want, really. Outside of football season, the field would available for local Toughman competitions, monster truck rallies, and mock naval battles. For summer concerts, I've already begun negotiations with several record labels, although I'm still waiting for some more mature responses.

It could be an offseason full of plunder, adventure, and dirty, pirate hookers!

All of this is smalltime, however, as the main goal is to land a major December bowl game for YieldGard Field. We'll need a few more corporate sponsors, but I've already begun designing the booster committee's blazers. They're going to be a light teal. Next thing you know, we'll be looking back on all of this at the 10th annual Tournament of Trev parade.

What? You don't like it? Come on! Sweetie...dang....

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN personality. He is currently sleeping on the couch.

Any moron can top a ten.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

That pencilneck Ivan Maisel posted his pre-preseason top 25
here, but I have some serious problems with his analysis. Seriously, where did all of this Buckeye love come from? They only have two returning starters on defense with trips to Texas and Iowa along with traditional matchups with Michigan, MSU, and Penn State.

Here's my own top 10. I hope you're listening ESPN! Doesn't matter, does it? You'll pimp whoever you want, right? I bet that creep taking my spot has Pitt and that other no-talent hack Wannstedt in his top 10. HA! Its all meaningless right now anyway, but here's my two cents.


1. Texas Longhorns
No reason in my book to rank them lower, a talented team coming off of a championship season. They will give OSU and OU some games, and the rest will sort out their postseason outlook.


2. Notre Dame Fighting Irish
Questions remain on defense, but with Charlie Weis at the helm, the faithful believe another leap is in store for the Irish. If that's true, then their momentum propels the Domers right into the thick of the title picture.


3. Ohio State Buckeyes
Jim Tressel is a top notch coach, that is not in question. I'm sure the defense is talented, but unproven. That and a tough schedule put them here at 3.


4. Florida State Seminoles
With Miami and VTech struggling to find new identities, the ACC looks like FSUs to lose once again. Do I have them a little high? Sure, but I don't want to get caught underestimating them again.


5. West Virginia Mountaineers
Meet the new Louisville. No reason to think they can't coast through the Big East and into the BCS, only the polls and the computers stand in their way to Phoenix.


6. USC Trojans
The beginning of the end for Troy? By November 25th against the Irish in LA, we'll know.


7. Oklahoma Sooners
Bob Stoops has had a run of bad bounces lately, but the talent is lining back up for another run at a Big XII title. If Adrian Petersen is truly back, expect big things, especially in Dallas.


8. California Golden Bears
Playing in the shadow of USC, Cal hasn't shown any signs of slowing down. They could be poised to show the rest of the country what's been going on in Berkeley.


9. Auburn Tigers
The perennial dark horse. A solid SEC team, but will they catch enough breaks?


10. Iowa Hawkeyes
ESPN is contractually obligated to pimp a sleeper Big 10 team...so yeah. Iowa, you're this year's big winner. I'm sure Coach Ferrentz will enjoy the additional unneccessary hype.

So there's another list for you internet board monkeys to salivate over. Enjoy.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN talking head. He googles himself daily.

Thursday is the new Friday

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I am in so much pain right now. Last night was a wild one, completely out of nowhere. Sometimes its best to just stay home.

I had just gotten back from the local Pop Warner spring game and was planning on a nice quiet night while getting a leg-up on my preivew for the young Wildcats. Let me tell you right now, these kids can flat run. That little Sanson kid can run a 4.7 40 and has tremendous size for a 10 year old. I think we'll be hearing about him on Friday nights real, real soon. I won't spoil the rest of it for you guys, but the home team has reloaded for another successful fall. Im thinking 6-0 and another AA title, but games aren't won in mini-camp.

Back to the tale, I was sitting at the dinner table, getting my article going when my buddy, Frank Solich, dialed me up. He's all like, "Trev-dawg, I feel the need." In Frank's case, the need is usually a few spritzers at the bar and an early night, but there was something a little different about Frank. He didn't sound like his usual self. I decide to meet him up at the corner bar, and we knock a few back. Next thing I know, we're doing jagerbombs and karaoke. Shot after shot after shot, and all I can think is "Wow, this guy is a freaking machine." For my money, noone can nail Don't Stop Believin' like 1985 Steve Perry, but Frank Solich came darn close last night. So we encore with Fat Bottomed Girls and a shot of Rumple Minze (WTF?), and Frank is looking at me with crazy eyes. He points at me like he's freaking Hulk Hogan and bellows one word: "BOAT!"

Ameristar Casino. Where the silt turns to gold.

Omaha's proximity to Iowa makes for a pretty convenient drive over the river to the arious gambling houses and other dens of inequity. We pile into the Stratus and roll to Ameristar at 2am. Nice. We get there and the place is dead. D-E-D. Dead. There's nothing but the hollow ringing of slot music and a few frat boys getting their final shots at the Big Wheel. Frank and I saddle up to the Blackjack table, and proceed to serve up some pain for the fish dealer. 18. 19. 20. 18. Blackjack. 20. Dealer's got nothing, they call in a new girl while we freshen our drinks. This girl's a little trickier, but no match for me and the Tank. 13. 15. 16. 12. Busts all around. Legendary night, let me tell you. What do we do? We step it up, start pressing it. Why not, right? My breath is like a mixture of gin, tonic, and just a hint of peppermint schnapps, Frank's already got his squinty-eye drunk glare down cold, and we can do no wrong. This couldn't possibly go south.

Wrong. A few more hands on the higher bets, I'm convinced green chips are cursed, and, of course, we've given most of it back and then some. New dealer is just wrecking us, he is on fire. Blackjacking our 20s, hitting 7s for his 14s, you name it. Well, after Frank's thrid straight push, he starts hitting the sauce with a renewed passion. It was like he believed the only way through his slump was with more gin. Not booze, not gin and tonics, gin. He starts ordering straight gin from the girls, just hi-balls full of the stuff. Unfortunately, this is where the story gets fuzzy, as it all happened so fast. I distinctly remember him lunging over the table, a security guard pinning both of us up against a Munsters slot machine, and waking up in the back of the car. In between is a blur, and one or both of us probably have a few phone calls to make.

Either way, after a few hours of sleeping it off in the Ameristar parking lot. Frank takes the keys and drives us to the nearest IHOP. Over a few breakfast sandwiches, we noticed we each had a few fresh scrapes and agreed that that was one kickass night.

I need some water and some more sleep. I feel like an old sock.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He is currently for hitting 12 when the dealer shows 3.

Greetings from Omaha

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Hey everybody! Just wanted to let you all know about my new "blog!" I'm sure its a way we can all keep in touch, swap stories, and catch up. I hope everything in Bristol is going great. Out here in Omaha, its a bit difficult, but you know me, hard work is its own reward. Why, just the other day I got paid $50 to sign footballs at Finneman's Used Cars over on Maple St. Well, a few kids gave me some money to buy them beer, but I gave them a few autographs as a special treat! You should have seen the looks on their faces. I mean, yeah. That's what its all about.

I bet Ive signed more autographs this week than that no-talent hack they've got in the studio right now! I mean, how many people want HIS autograph, huh? You hear me, Mark May? You're living a lie! Its all about the kids! You just dont get that, do you!?! Seriously man, that guy's a hack! What do you all think, guys?

Well, I should roll out now. I have to study for my realtor's exam, and I have to make an appearance at the local Denny's tonight.

Trev-dog out.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN studio personality. He wrote this Starbucks.