And now...The Lightning Round.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Alright, let's get to the point, and we'll sort out the bodies later. There's a lot of football this weekend and not a lot of time for inside-jokes and specious reasonings.

Gentlemen. The Lightning Round!



Meineke Car Care Bowl: Boston College (-7) over Navy
Alamo Bowl:Texas (-9) over Iowa
Chick-Fil-A Peach Bowl: Virginia Tech (-2.5) over Georgia
MPC Computers Bowl: Nevada (+3.5) over Miami (FL)
Outback Bowl: Tennessee (-4) over Penn State
Cotton Bowl: Nebraska (+1.5) over Auburn
Capital One Bowl: Wisconsin (+2.5) over Arkansas
Gator Bowl: West Virginia (-11) over Georgia Tech
Fiesta Bowl: Oklahoma (-7) over Boise State
Rose Bowl: Southern Cal (-1) over Michigan

Trev Alberts is FireMarkMay's resident quizmaster. He once dropkicked former Cubs first-baseman Mark Grace while dressed as the Pope.

Trevonics before the Storm

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I've started to actually look at this bowl schedule dealie here and there are way more bowl games than I thought! There's got to be over twenty in the next 3 days! Good thing the office is back in the swing of things, because I don't think the spellcheker could take anymore pure, unadulterated Trev. My freestyle prognosticating is so cutting edge, no amount of squiggles can contain it. Unleash the scoreboard!

Bowl Season to Date:
Straight Up: 7-2
Against the Spread: 7-2

That is one awfully seductive record, I sure hope I can sustain my analytical prowess all through the exhibitional weekend. On to the Thursday/Friday games, but first:

Florida State 44-UCLA 27
Do you see what happens, Karl? This is what happens when you travel with the juggler, Karl. In an unexpected shootout, the Bruins kept keeping the play calls close to the vest and couldn't keep up with Seminoles relentless pace. Throw in a couple of defense/ST scores, and Florida State throughly embarrassed newly-minted defensive wunder-coordinator, DeWayne Walker. I would be very interested to see how complete this beating would have been had Florida State actually had a quarterback. Drew Weatherford, you are still teh suxxor, in the internet parlance, and I mean that from the heart.

Independence Bowl, Shreveport LA
Oklahoma St. (-2) vs. Alabama (430 12/28 ESPN)
One would think I would be a bit biased against the Cowboys for defeating my beloved 'Huskers. Normally, that would be correct, but considering that that win is the only glowing bulletpoint on either team's resumes, it is the tie-breaker in this otherwise mediocre bowl game between power-conference also-rans. OKState's signature win is Nebraska while Alabama's is...The Orgeron? Who's even coaching the Tide? I don't know! I don't even think they know! That whole coaching search is pissing me off, just because it is so darn quiet! You can't take this long and not have any kind of inkling where this is going. Hopefully, the game will provide enough highlights to fill the evening's currently empty halftime shows.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma State

Holiday Bowl, San Diego CA
California (-3) vs. Texas A&M (800 12/28 ESPN)
Cal is the new Oregon, and the new Oregon loves playing these games with a chip. Coach Fran's gimmick's will only get him so far as Tedford has had weeks to out gimmick him. I don't know what kind of crazy grab-bag offense will be in play for this plus-sized Poinsettia Bowl, but it's definitely won the battle for main game in the media room tonight.
Trev's pick: California

Texas Bowl, Houston TX
Rutgers (-7.5) vs. Kansas State (800 12/28 NFL)
Considering this game is on the NFL Network and a possible snuff film, it will be relegated to "we kind of have an eye on it" at the compound. Coincidentally, this is how we watched the Kansas State-Texas game. I don't think any part of the crowd will be doing the Wildcats any favors in Houston. The entire state of New Jersey is probably at this game, plus the locals are probably all 'Horns/Rice/SMU fans. The Ray Rice for 2007 Heisman campaign starts tonight, regardless of his stats, because there will be nothing better to talk about. It will be down to that or "Hey, remember when they were undefeated?" by halftime.
Trev's pick: Rutgers

Music City Bowl, Nashville TN
Clemson (-9) vs. Kentucky (100 12/29 ESPN)
We get five whole games on Friday, but we might as well just not count this one. A Tiger bloodbath all the way. Sure, there is the worry that Clemson may play down, but who wants to be the team that loses to Kentucky? Kentucky's just happy to be there, look out.
Trev's pick: Clemson

Sun Bowl, El Paso TX
Missouri (+3.5) vs. Oregon State (200 12/29 CBS)
The beauty, the pageantry, the Beavers! the Tigers! It's the Sun Bowl on CBS! The reward for slogging through the Music City Bowl is this likely competitive matchup between Mizzou and OSU. Following the playing down theory, I don't think the Beavs have much to prove here while Missouri is likely to go all Boise State on them. Call it a hunch, call it analysis, hell, I just don't like the matchup.
Trev's pick: Missouri

Liberty Bowl, Memphis TN
South Carolina (-5.5) vs. Houston (430 12/29 ESPN)
HA ha! Really? REALLY?!?! No way! Super Chicken for the win. You can't be serious...Now we see the violence inherent in the system.
Trev's pick: South Carolina

Insight Bowl, Tempe AZ
Texas Tech (-6.5) vs. Minnesota (730 12/29 NFL)
It's a shame this game is on the NFL Network. Everyone should be able to see the yarr-riffic Tech offense rape and pillage some unsuspecting Gophers. I'm fairly certain that no one in the Big Ten chucks it with such regularity, save Purdue, and the Boilers took it to Minnesota. Well then, there it is.
Trev's pick: Texas Tech

Champs Sports Bowl, Orlando FL
Purdue (-1) vs. Maryland (800 12/29 ESPN)
Going back to the basics, clearly Purdue is the favorite considering the sweet, sweet mustaches of the coaching staff. Combine this with Maryland looking unimpressive in an equally unimpressive ACC season, and the edge goes to the Boilermakers. On a more analytical point, in the battle of two horrible defenses, Purdue's sucks least. They could put that on T-shirts: "Purdue: We suck least!"
Trev's pick: Purdue

Trev Alberts is a correspondent on CSTV. He's why they don't have a bowl contract.

Return to Normalcy

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

What happened?!? Kid, are you back? Oh my gosh! Sorry, everyone, but I blacked out in the middle of that Motor City Bowl. I don't know how they got fifty-four thousand people to watch that steaming pile of astroturf. I mean, Central Michigan gets the ball, scores in 30 seconds or punts, then its the Middle Tennessee State Show! WOO! Woo! Woo....woo... COME ON! Do something with the ball! That Blue Raider team was so bad I was considering watching actual television! Congratulations, MTSU, you were Lifetime movie of the week bad. Words...words cannot describe...

Cutting straight to the scoreboard.

Season to date:
Straight up: 6-2
Against the Spread: 6-2

Now that the staff is filtering in from their various festive family dinners and feasts, I'll be able to take a break from my grueling schedule of prognosticating and insulting mid-major schools. Of course, should nothing of interest happen between now and...well this could be a while...At least we've got two reasonably well-known teams in tonight's exercise in futility!

Emerald Bowl, San Francisco CA
Florida State (+3) vs UCLA (800et 12/27 ESPN)

Oh, how the somewhat mighty have kind of fallen. What appears to be an exercise in offensive futility, or defensive domination depending on how you spin it, will have us all wishing we could be watching one of those LOST clip shows by 9:00. UCLA being the only team that has really done anything in this matchup, and spectacularly upsetting Southern Cal I might add,
while Florida State's marquee win is probably beating up on a very overrated Miami of Florida.

There are a few twists to this game, though. First, we've got the mysterious non-Jeff Bowden offense probably being run by the Seminoles. This could be anything from a return to the single-wing to full-on, spread option, gunknife action. Furthermore, Florida State is apparently angry and doesn't want a losing season. Great, we've got angry Florida college football athlete-students on the run. Thankfully, San Francisco may be the first place all of the 'Noles make bed check. Finally, and this part is my favorite, the teams will have to share a sideline. Holy crap! This could be the early favorite for the bowl season's unintentional comedy award. It would have to off the charts to see these two teams jawing about the Emerald Bowl, let alone break down into an all-out brawl.

Every fiber of Trev in me says taht this game is a coin flip though, so we're going to have to check the tapes, but thanks to the Wizard of Odds, my decision should be crystal clear:



You've got to be freaking kidding me. If that isn't a call for help, I don't know what is. Between this guy and the juggler, you're on your own, UCLA.

Trev's pick: Florida State

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN desk jockey. He draws the spirit line at flag girls.

Motor City Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's just me moping around the compound today, loyal Trevians. The staff's gone off to celebrate their related winter seasonal holidays, and I'm left here to nurse my gimpy kneecaps while watching various meaningless bowl games. That doesn't mean I can't spread some holiday cheer of my own with some extra Peppermint Schnapps in my White Russians and hours upon hours of meaningless exhibition American football on the tape. It's a scoreboard miracle!

Weekend:
Straight Up: 3-2
Against the Spread: 4-1

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 5-2
Against the Spread: 5-2

Troy 41-Rice 17
South Florida 24-East Carolina 7
San Jose State 20-New Mexico 12
My least sincere apologies to the San Jose State Spartans, I mistook you for the perennially random West Coast team, the San Diego State Aztecs. I have to say that your crazy blue-yellow uniform business is much crazier than whatever they have going on down there in the city of Whale's genitalia. Well played in your New Mexico playdate, sponsored by New Mexico. As for Troy and South Florida, a good old shellacking should be its own reward. I'd have some actual analysis of these three games, but I don't feel like it. At least I'm being honest. These bowl games are just football when you have other plans.

Utah 25-Tulsa 13
I will single out this game however, as it was my only glaring loss of the weekend. Tulsa was supposed to deal with those non-hakaing Utah-ans (Utahonians?) like the Golden Hurricane they are. The Utes probably took offense to my sterotyping them as docile hunter-gatherers patiently awaiting their casino license. My uninformed opinion aside, they played some competent football, and Tulsa, well, Tulsa did not.

Let's see what's next on the docket...

Motor City Bowl, Detroit MI
Central Michigan (-7.5) vs. Middle Tennessee State (730et 12/26 ESPN)
The things we show on ESPN these days! Surrounded by holiday reruns and shows on winter hiatus, it is games like these that must sustain us. How can one live on this? HOW! I can't even Trev factor this business because I can't figure out heads or tails about this Middle Tennesee State. I know the Chippewas have some decent MAC uniforms, and they run some kind of crazy spread, but thats about it. This isn't a good sign for their opponent. If a Tuesday night blowout is what gets us through the night, so be it. Seriously? COME ON!
Trev's pick: Central Michigan

Trev Alberts is a recovering analyst for ESPN. He plans on eating a lot of ice cream during Bowl Week.

Trevonics: Bowl Week 1

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I don't get it. You don't pay the bookie, he breaks your legs, but you still owe him the money? How is that fair? Well, as is my Las Vegas Bowl custom, I spent the day perusing various online wagering houses, unable to leave the compound due to previously mentioned wagering injury (It's just his kneecaps, he'll be fine.-IO). I will say, this college basketball, the Arena football of college sports, sure does pass the time I spend with my money during the offseason. There are just games on all over the place...but that is just not our bag here. I mean, it is if I say it is, but I don't think anyone wants to read Trevonics: Davidson vs. Ohio U. Well, maybe you would, if those $!$#%!$ Bobcats could cover at home!

I digress. There has been some real sports action brightening our dull pre-Xmas midweek. Scoreboard?

Bowl Season:
Straight Up: 2-0
Against the Spread: 1-1

Given the mashed-up schedule of this bowliest of bowl seasons, I'm going to mash the rundowns in with the picks. So, first things first, old business!

TCU 37-Northern Illinois 7
Um, yeah. Sorry about this one everyone. I forgot that despite TCU's Mountain West persuasions, they can still push around damn most anyone, especially the MAC-tastic Huskies. NIU's one-dimensional offense remained one-dimensional, despite my sincerest non-financially based longings, and got 60 freaking yards of offense. Total. End of story. Meanwhile, the Horned Frogs learned about this new-fangled forward pass gizmo, and reminded everyone why NIU was 7-5 in the first place. Garrett Wolfe ends his college career with a whimper, but we're all pulling for him to be an NFL fantasy sleep in 2010.

BYU 38-Oregon 8
The new Cal LOVES playing down, especially in bowl games, and most certainly when the only real storyline is which team performs the most accurate haka. Respecting ancestors aside, the Cougars thoroughly dusted up the Ducks, and were notably unimpresssed by their fancy helmets with the shiny paint business. The kid told me that that paint costs like four grand a gallon because it's got some kind of fancy glass polymer science stuff in it. Yeah, checking this up, Oregon put Flubber on their helmets and still couldn't beat the Mormons. Mark that down.

And now for the riveting weekend games: Bowl games that I wouldn't touch with a ten-foot predicting pole a month ago that now have that kind of cheap sheen of respectability now that they have "bowl" in their name and are the only game in town. OK!

New Orleans Bowl, New Orleans LA
Troy (+4) vs. Rice (700pm, 12/22, ESPN2)
The glamorous New Orleans Bowl, now back in New Orleans. Did it ever leave? I'm not sure, but if I were in charge, I would put this game exactly 7 days before the Sugar Bowl, creating a week-long Cajun extravaganza of football, New Years, festive alcoholic beverages, and delectable cuisine that I can never pronounce. What the hell is a beignet? All I know is at 3 am, I need a donut after 7 or 8 Hurricanes, but those will do. As for the game, several Trev-factors come in to play here. The Troy Trojans are a better name than the Rice Owls, and I'm partial to their new logo and jerseys. Combine this with the fact that Rice is basically the Ivy League of Texas and Troy is the Florida State of whatever-state-Troy-is-in, and you've got yourself a mismatch.
Trev's pick: Troy

Papajohns.com Bowl, Birmingham AL
South Florida (-4.5) vs. East Carolina (1oopm, 12/23, ESPN2)
The Papa John's Bowl should be held in Louisville, it should be a law. Simply breaking down one of the more ridiculous matchups of the month, South Florida is an underrated Big East team in the mold of Rutgers and UCONN...and they get to recruit from both Florida and South Florida. These are the guys who couldn't get into Florida, Florida State, and Miami of Florida but have D-I football talent. Uh oh. Not even a top-notch uniform/mascot combo out of the likes of the East Carolina Pirates will be able to stop it. I can't wait for the inevitable rematch in the NIT.
Trev's pick: South Florida

New Mexico Bowl, undisclosed location
San Jose State (+3.5) vs. New Mexico (430pm, 12/23, ESPN)
Sigh. I don't know where to start with this one. I can't even come up with anything good about either of these teams other than this feels like a participation trophy. Congratulations, Aztecs and Lobos, you didn't completely suck this year, here's a bowl game, signed Lobos' Mom. That's what this game is, its a freaking playdate. Yay! Playdate! Playdate! Playdate! I hope they all go out for pizza afterwards. Let's split the pick, that way everyone's a winner!
Trev's pick: New Mexico to win, San Jose State to cover

Armed Forces Bowl, Fort Worth TX
Tulsa (+1) vs. Utah (800pm, 12/23, ESPN)
Utah's mascot is the Ute, and Tulsa's is the Golden Hurricane. According to ancient legend, the Utes were almost wiped clean by a Golden Hurricane, and banished to Salt Lake City where they wait in joyful hope for the state gaming board to loosen up. I really don't have a clue, so I'll learn my lesson and take the "Southern" team over the "Western" team.
Trev's pick: Tulsa

Hawaii Bowl, Honolulu HI
Hawaii (-6.5) vs Arizona State (800pm, 12/24, check local listings)
Hold it right there. The proud tradition of the Sheraton Hawaii Bowl featuring Hawaii and their Rainbow Warriors will not be seen tonight so that I can watch a very special Christmas special? Shenanigans! I swear, if ESPN is showing "Ali Rap" again instead of this game, I will cut someone, and that is for reals, yo. Why should we be denied the unintentional greatness of Colt Brennan lighting up ASU for nigh on 75 pass attempts while every third play we get to here about Dirk Koetter's struggles in Tempe and how this is his final game. No happy endings here, just pain, suffering, molten TD's raining from the sky, and if we're lucky, a sideline correspondent interviewing Dennis Erickson as he rides a golfcart into an active volcano.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. Yeah, he thinks that "Sportscenter College Showdown" is BS too.

Under the Wire: Las Vegas Bowl

Mr. Alberts is currently discussing his credit status with the Germans for the upcoming bowl season, but he wanted me to get his quote "Trevtastic lock" unquote out to his also quote "adoring fans" endquote.

Trev is backing BYU with religious zeal to not only win, but win by more than 3.

The office will now return to our Las Vegas Bowl gameday tradition of online gambling. Thank you for your time.

If you would like to learn more, please visit BlackShoeDiaries and his wonderfully free bowl wagering game.


-irishoutsider

Well, my Xmas shopping is done.

If you don't think I'm getting one of these for Trev, well, you sir do not know Trev Alberts.



Simply stunning. This is a sign of the freaking apocalypse if there ever was one. I can't wait for this to get the cross-marketing treatment from the Worldwide Leader.

-irishoutsider

Trevonics: The First Day of the Rest of the Season

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Cease with the downwardly trending visitors, kid! There's new and improved football games to be had, now in a shiny exhibitional bowl format! Time to get back into the swing of things and bring the Trevonics to the next level, spreading my gospel of righteous prognosticating beatdowns to the world one marginally rated mid-week clash at a time. Bring in the festive scoreboard, now adorned with various nondenominational decorations commemorating the winter's seasonal holidays:

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 85-32
Against the Spread: 64-50-2

Bowl Season:
Straight Up: 0-0
Against the Spread: 0-0-0-0

I added the extra zero there because I think the NCAA has added overtime losses to the scoring tables, just like the NHL. I'll have to look into it a little more, but I'll err to the side of caution. I don't want to be behind the times like when no one told me that "The OC" (Don't call it that-IO) wasn't cool anymore, but now it is, but not really.

Anyway, onto "the great-uncle-with-a-penchant-for-bookmaking-of-them-all", the first step on this most wonderful winter wagering festival, the....the....where the hell is that sponsor...













Wait. Really? COME ON! I mean, I know making fun of bowl sponsors is hack, but even Northern Illinois and TCU deserve a better sponsor than this. San Diego? There's like a million better ideas for sponsors than a fuddy-duddy credit union. They're not even a bank, although I'm not really sure what the difference is, but I'll leave my prejudice intact. Back to the subject at hand, here's a few sponsorship suggestions for next year's, next next year's, Poinsettia Bowl:

• Sycuan- San Diego's premier Indian hotel-casino. If you're going to be the first bowl game, why not remind everyone of the reason for the season?
• The U.S. Navy-If Army can have the HS All-American Leming Bowl, and the Armed Services already have a generally sponsored bowl, why not give a tip of the cap to the thousands of San Diego's resident seamen?
• Petco-They already have their name on the Padres' sweet MLB stadium, and you could even hold the game there!
• Pacific Life- I know they have the Emerald Bowl, but their logo is a whale! I can't think of a better mascot for a bowl game in "Sahn Diahgo".

Now for the pick: Northern Illinois (+12) vs. TCU (800et ESPN2)

The Germans have kicked off the season right with this deceptively complex opening line. At first look, I'm thinking that this will be a low scoring game, controlled on the ground, with a healthy dose of the Garrett Wolfe show. However, as EDSBS' Solon points out, TCU has stepped it up down the stretch with a wider, spread-tastic offense to complement their trademark stingy defense. The Horned Frogs are superb against the run, and well...that's what the Huskies do. To further thwart the contrarians out there, TCU has a spiffy pass D too, and they should considering the esprit de corps of the Mountain West. If I had Utah, BYU, and some crazy Nevada teams in my conference, I would run my ship the same way. But, my pick is still the Huskies for a few reasons. The first of which is Garrett Wolfe's last game, and he will be determined to put on a show. Secondly, I don't think even a team as stout as the Frogs have had to face a relentless ground attack from the likes of the Utes and UNLV. Lastly, you can't walk into this game assuming TCU is going to load up on Wolfe and not get burned. NIU has had about a month to cobble together a decent passing game to keep the heat out of the box. Outside of that, I still have to split the pick.

Trev's pick: Northern Illinois to cover, TCU to win.

Trev Alberts is not a professional bookmaker. He does, however, wager Pixy Stix with Bloo.

The Slowness

I've got people lounging around all over the place. There's just nothing to do! Things took a turn for the worse when Bloo broke the office Wii during some over-excited Excite Truck, and Trev has hiked so much NCAA that the X button is stuck. We need some bowl action around here, some coach hiring, something, ANYTHING!

'Bama? Got a coach? Nope.
ESPN? Creating decent controversy? Yeah, on hockey.
Michigan? Surprisingly quiet.
THE OSU? Yep. Them too. Eerie.

Meanwhile, Notre Dame fans are playing it relatively safe, and Johnny 5 is watching "Short Circuit 2." SHORT CIRCUIT 2! We've officially run out of options.

Here are a few ideas to pass the last days of the post-Reglorification, pre-bowl game doldrums:

Vote for your favorite blogs at Rocky Top Talk. While I personally believe that Orson Swindle should be coming out of this thing like Judah Ben-Hur, Mr. Alberts believes he is predestined to win the "Trev Alberts quits to do Construction Award."

Get Fluent in Orgeronspeak. As you may have noticed, the Coach O has launched his new blog, Every Day Should Be Lemsday, with the help of Brian at House Rock Built and some of Trev's loyal followers. Merry Kissmas and Chikunwaffa for all!



Sign up for the arbitrary ESPN Bowl Pick 'Em. More on this as it unfolds, but I think we'll be letting everyone in on this year's office pool, so get those ESPN MySpace IDs (or whatever they call them) lined up now.

-irishoutsider

Field Trip! Field Trip!

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy! I can't belive it! No, I mean I REALLY CAN'T BELIEVE IT! this is almost, like, the greatest X-mas present ever! KID! You have to get us to Miami next year! (HT:The Wiz)

Miami.
Florida International.
The Orange Bowl.
Again?

AGAIN! WOO-HOO! Can we go? Can we, Can we, Can we? I think it would be...um...a wonderful learning experience. We would learn a lot about...the psychology of crowds...local Cuban cuisine...the architectural soundness of the OB...um....and how to swing helmets for maximum critical hits +1!

It's either this or the Royal Rumble, and I like the Nature Boy Ric Flair as much as the next guy, WOOOOO!, but this is too good to pass up. I hope they install one of those "stomp-proof" logos at midfield. You gotta represent the U.

Only in America!

Bloo is FireMarkMay's official administrative assitant. He is also a certified travel agent and notary public.

Robot Saves!

By Reverend Lionel J. Preacherbot
Temple of Robotology

Behold, brothers, sisters, and fellow concelebrating compilers! Yea, the Feast of the Robot Genius is here! Rejoice and be glad! Be logical and multiply!

The Great Reglorification ends today, commemorating the hardships, struggles, turmoil, travesty, and tubulence of the annual coaching search season. While some programs enjoy new hope, others face new questions, and still, others wander the desert. I say unto all the robotic and carbon-based masses, do not give up hope! One glorious day, you too shall receive enlightenment from your new football savior, and he will be a beacon unto your alma mater, bringing glory unto the masses. The beer will flow like wine, recruits shall fall from the heavens, and you too will bask in the golden glow of the shores of the BCS.

Let us now bow our heads and say a brief prayer of thanksgiving to our beloved Genius Robot:

Our Robot, full of plays,
lead us to glory.
Genius are thou amongst men,
and genius is the root,
of thy football strategem.
Genius Robot, programmer of programs,
Pray for us now, and in postgame celebration,
End of line.

Our Robot of Victory, pray for us.



Go in peace, this post has ended. You don't have to go home, people, but you can't stay here. City ordinance.

Reverend Lionel J. Preacherbot would like to remind everyone of this evening's Feast of the Robot Bingo Night. BYOB.

Drink the Tree!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

A festive time was had by all at the Annual Festive Holiday FireMarkMay Office Revelry. We had to call it that considering the amount of lawyers that showed up. I tell you, you invite a couple, and they just start multiplying.

To properly prepare for said party, the proper precautions must be taken. I wouldn't have it any other way. When you have a legion of interns at your beck and call, you can make sure that no detail is overlooked. Of course, this includes purchasing large numbers of minibar bottles...


With the help of my trusted aides, and Brian from House Rock Built, these pint-sized baubles became 80 proof (and in some cases 99 proof) ornaments for a Tannenbaum fit for Trev.


Great party. Good times had by all. Too bad our Xmas tree is looking kind of bare lately. We have a few left, and there's always Tuesday's Feast of the Robot Genius. Those Robot Catholics sure know how to put them back.

Thank goodness it's been a relatively slow news week. I can't dictate under such bright lights.

Trev Alberts is definitely overserved on cheer. He reminds everyone to celebrate responsibly.

NCAA places ASU on double-secret probation

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

Moments after Dennis Erickson was named the head coach at Arizona State University, the NCAA placed the Sun Devil program on double-secret probation, a status normally reserved for Southeastern football teams and Rick Neuheisel.

NCAA investigators have already taken up residence in a local Tempe subdivision, and are preparing for a multitude of potential violations. As we speak, premade forms for recruiting violations, unlawful compensation, and Native-American defamation of character are being drafted. The committee is certain that their precautions will speed along most of their inevitable legal proceedings.

We would like to wish Coach Erickson all the best, and are sure his program will be going on some amazing adventures.

In observance of The Suffering

By Reverend Lionel J. Preacherbot
Temple of Robotology

(In light of recent events in the Alabama coaching search, we've decided to briefly yield the floor to Reverend Preacherbot once more to remind us of the significance of the day's events. Basically, we were all psyched to post about Rod getting hired, but this kind of got in the way....of course blogger being down didn't help either.-IO)

Brothers, sisters, data compilers, let us take this time to reflect on The Suffering as we continue
this, the time of The Great Reglorification. A time of broken promises, shattered dreams, and bleak futures, The Suffering symbolizes that time in every program's search when the chosen one forsakes thine alma mater, leaving your blessed organization of higher learning bereft of a savior, hopelessly grasping for guidance, and preparing for unforeseen despair.

For the University of Alabama, NOW is that time. The Rod, The Rod, why have you forsaken them?

Let us give thanks and reflect, fellow Robot Catholics, that this, like all times of football-related suffering is both brief and sobering. For remember, even at the end of the darkest night comes a glimmer of hope...even if you are probably perma-pwned.


Reverend Lionel J. Preacherbot is available for robot confession weekdays from 1600pm-2000pm CDT, donations accepted. Robot Saves.

O'Brien out at BC, off to NC State

Local Boston media confirming...

"Send Fredo to pick somebody up at the airport."

Johnny 5: Binary Switching

By Johnny 5
Nova Laboratories, Inc.

Damn squishy pollsters! The lot of you are giving me and my steely brethren a bad name! Not only are the pollsters falling sway to such human emotions as conference affiliations and regional biases, but the carbon-based intermedia is acting like this trvashamockery is the first instance of political action in football history! Trust me, if we could beat you all at Tic-Tac-Toe back in the 60s, we could have told you Alabama didn't win any national championships, but no one would let us. It was all "Beep, Boop, Yes sir, No sir, Does not compute."

Let's look at the final computer rankings, and maybe then you'll realize that it's OK to switch rankings on the final week of the season. I mean, it's no different than jumping idle teams mid-season now, is it?

Final Week vs. BCS Week 7:

-Florida: 24 23 25 24 23 23
: 22 22 23 23 22 22

-Michigan: 23 24 23 23 24 24
: 23 24 22 22 24 24

-Ohio State: 25 25 24 25 25 25
: 25 25 24 25 25 25

-USC: 20 18 22 22 22 22
: 24 23 25 24 23 23

From Computer Week 7 to the Final Rankings, the Gators jumped Michigan in exactly 1 poll, the Anderson & Hester. In 2 of the 4 polls, Florida was already ahead of Michigan. In another 2 polls, the Wolverines maintained their #2 position, and in the Billingsley computer, Florida captured a 2nd place tie in the final week. For argument's sake, I've included Southern Cal's computer rankings to illustrate that Florida has the EXACT computer record of the previous week's "consensus #2" Trojans. Also, note that the Buckeyes were always #2 to the Gators in the third computer, the Colley Matrix.

What does this prove? Of course, we know that the computers boosted Florida into a second-place tie. We know that a portion of this in contributed to the fall of Troy and the Gators' 13th game against highly-ranked Arkansas in the SEC Championship. These things are given. What I am trying to illustrate here is that, in the cold, unfeeling realm of my computer comrades, Florida logically jumped Michigan. If there is ever an argument for a conference to add a title game, it is the 2006 Florida Gators. Love it or hate it, the final game allowed them to schedule a tough opponent at the last possible second.

The computers are just one part of the equation, and since Florida and Michigan statistically tied, the human polls became the source of this year's controversy. I support the fallible human pollsters in their Gator-jumping. When you break it down, it just makes sense. If the week 7 standings were in stone, why make a final rankings? What makes Michigan's drop worse than any other team bypassed mid season on an idle week (and there were numerous occasions)? Leave the system out of this, greedy media types! The system gave an unbiased opinion, and some people are upset? Now who's biased?

I'm looking forward to this year's title game, even if my Vegas mainframe buddies are calling for a Buckeye blowout. I'll let Michigan keep its dignity by not divulging the results of their simulated rematch.

Johnny 5 is FireMarkMay.com's registered Xbox Live server. He has been working overtime since Trev's latest streak of online NCAA domination.

Don't think we forgot about you, Michigan

Yeah, I say that about covers it.

-irishoutsider

Week 14 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The vile, vicious point-spread caught me napping this week! Well, I have been napping quite a lot lately, but you know how it is. All of this holiday cheer, festive seasonal beverages, red wine and savory meats laced with lethargic tryptophan, and plenty of championship football over the past two weeks have left my precious projecting muscles weak with atrophy. Scoreboard?

Week 14 Results:
Straight Up: 4-3
Against the Spread: 2-5

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 85-32
Against the Spread: 64-50-2

The once sexfully stout winning percentage has withered to a flaccid .55 and change. Story of my life, people. If I could blame anyone but myself, I blame this week's deceptively scrappy slate.

Louisville 48-Connecticut 17
At least I started off the day on the right foot. Statement game for Louisville, proving that they can totally whoop an also-ran in an also-ran conference. So, they got THAT going for them. A wonderful offensive show from the Cardinals, and a great prelude for what will be affectionately known as "The Orange Bowl Massacre." Keep scrapping along, UCONN, you'll get 'em one day.

Wake Forest 9-Georgia Tech 6
...but not before they kick the living Deacon crap out of Wake Forest. Wow, this ACC Championship game was everything I could have dreamed of and more! The dank weather of scenic Jacksonville (now with FOUR cabs!), the throngs of empty, Jaguar-teal seats at Alltel Stadium, and the endless supply of offensive futility. Don't fool yourselves, this was NOT the defensive struggle the score implies. These football teams are just. not. very. good. Seriously. The Reggie Ball show ends mercilessly with a 9-29, 129yard, 2 INT performance that seemed more like a mercy killing than a send-off. There's got to be a Youtube video of Calvin Johnson kicking this man in the junk out there somewhere. Wake Forest's reward is to be Iowa to Louisville's Southern Cal in the FedEx Orange Bowl. Start writing your "ACC/Big East role reversal" columns now, ESPN.

California 26-Stanford 17
The last dying gasp of coach Harry Potter. As I write this, it seems that The-Coach-Who-Lived, Walt Harris, has been given his walking papers at the new University of Chicago. I've never been disappointed in Stanford until today, Cardinal fans, why didn't you honor his contract? He should have been given time to win with his players...You are besmirching the good name of....I'm sorry. I can't type any of that with a straight face. On the bright side, Stanford now has the prettiest damn track stadium in the country. Cal, the old Berkeley, the new Oregon, moves on to the Dec. 28th Pacific Life Holiday Bowl for the chance to arm-tackle Texas A&M. Tell me how that works out, Cal.

UCLA 13-Southern Cal 9
You want to know why posting has been slow around here? THIS IS WHY! The sheer joy caused by Southern Cal tripping over UCLA has caused the entire office to engage in constant, spontaneous cheering. Staffers literally just walk into random rooms screaming in exultation! I guess I'll go get a soda from the...WOOOOOO!!!! Maybe a trip to the rest...HAAHHAHAHAHAHAH! I'm going to get some work done on the.....AIEEEEE!!!! UCLA! UCLA!!!!!!. You get the idea. Broderick was all set to melt down the Wheel of Death into scrap metal, but now he's completely retooling his contraption to add Gator teeth and lord-knows-what. Johnny 5 has been putting out IT fires all weekend long, and Bloo has been, well, Bloo, but joining in on the chaos just the same. The stage is now set for a traditional USC-Michigan Rose Bowl with the Wolverines likely getting the snot beat out of them, just like the good old days. I think Bo would have wanted it that way.

Florida 38-Arkansas 28
Urban Meyer's knifewrench offense and knowledge of high-school playbooks vexes the certifiably crazy Houston Nutt and his exotic Wildcat formations. Having watched this game in its entirety, I can convincingly argue that Darren McFadden is actually West Texas' Permian High star runningback Boobie Miles. He can cut, he can hammer, he can flat run, AND HE CAN PASS! Anyone else just KNOW he was going to get dinged up early in this game? It was like one of those underdog sports movies where the magic flubber wears out in the middle of the championship match. No way Arkansas could win that game without Teen Wolf, and now they get Wisconsin in the Capital One Bowl. Is it possible for both of those teams to be exposed in that game? Can it end in a tie? As for Florida, we'll get to their postseason right after we stop laughing at Michigan....this could take a while.

West Virginia 41-Rutgers 39
After all of the couch-igniting, all of the Jack Daniels, and all of the other random trapping of the Mountaineer fan-base, Rutgers still managed to chop enough wood to get it into overtime, the never-say-die-I-can't-believe-I-didn't-see-that-coming underdogs that they are. So, forced to go for 2 to extend the overtime, the Scarlet Knights gave us all their entire season in one microcosmic play. From the 2, they PA into a dropped pass. Thanks for playing, guys. Anyone who has used Rutgers in NCAA in the last 4 weeks (yeah, they're on there) could tell you that you cannot throw with that team. Sorry, that's just how it is. If it's any consolation, the rumor mill has Schiano committing to Rutgers. That's just good for college football.

Not Nebraska 21-Nebraska 7
Err. Order not restored, Nebraska, unless it's the status quo of sucking a big one in the Big XII title game. Sigh. I'm going to need some time here....

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. His extremities are glad he watched the Nebraska game at home.

Sugar Bowl: ND vs. You-Know-Who

Thanks to EDSBS, we know Les Miles' dark secret.

Congratulations, Southern Cal!

University of Southern California Trojans
2006 Champions

Week 14 Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

This is the end. My only friend, our editor, has finally started to shake his LA hangover, and maybe, just maybe, we can get the final round of picks in for this regular season. Expect a full-on bowl extravaganza on the horizon, but for now, one final run towards sexy end of year results.

Week 13: 0-0, BAC unknown.

Season-to-date:
Straight Up: 81-29
Against the Spread: 62-45-2

7 games on the top 25 scheudle this week, including the reasons for the seasons, the lucrative conference championship games. Ironically, none of the teams in said championship games have any shot at the national title. Sorry, Florida, but you guys only care about SEC titles down there anyway, right?

Louisville (-28) vs. Connecticut 1200et (ESPN)
This does not bode well for the scrappy Huskies. Louisville, still fostering the distinct possibility that they might be considered for a shot at an at-large BCS bid, is going to Petrino the ever-loving Petrino out of UCONN. UCONN's consolation? Randy Edsall isn't named as a suspect in EVERY coaching search north of Coral Gables...just maybe...25% of them. The Big East, the cradle of coaches. Let the poaching begin. Note, I am well aware of Petrino's public commitment to UL, but does any really trust him? REALLY? REALLY?!?! If you do, I've got Nick Saban on line one.
Trev's pick: Louisville

Georgia Tech (-1.5) vs. Wake Forest 100et (ABC)WAKE FOREST! GEORGIA TECH! ITS THE ACC TITLE GAME ON ABC! Sigh. What hath title games wrought, ACC? The winner becomes the mismatch victim of the year in the 2007 FedEx Orange Bowl. I like Heads over Tails, Reggie Ball completes 50% of his throws, just because I still can't figure out what exactly Wake Forest, you know, DOES here. Calvin Johnson attempts one more "see? I can catch anything!" game before leaving GTech for good. Seriously, I think he's already rented a condo in Indy.
Trev's pick: Georgia Tech

California (-29) vs. Stanford 300et
This game isn't on any of the major networks. ESPN may be able to show it after midnight on the East coast, but only if they put that MA warning on it. Trent Edwards may actually have internal bleeding by halftime. I'm not wishing ill-will on anyone, on the contrary, I'm just giving people fair warning. Stanford has apparently decided to return to the days when football was a club sport, and short of Walt Harris donning some pads and becoming a player-coach, the Cardinal is only about a single wing away from being the new University of Chicago. Cal, the new Oregon, the old Berkeley, is the complete polar opposite in the full, modern PAC-10 sense of the word. No contest.
Trev's pick: California

Southern Cal (-13.5) at UCLA 430et (ABC)
Not a freaking chance, Karl. Dorrell's got his back against the wall, the Westwood townsfolk are storming the castle walls, and he's got Southern Cal prepared to make another statement before Selection Sunday. As if waxing Notre Dame wasn't enough, you just KNOW that Carroll wants to make this win as convincing as possible, if only to further humiliate UCLA in front of countless California high-schoolers. Wind up the deathclock Karl, and don't fear the reaper.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Florida (-2.5) vs. Arkansas 600et (CBS)
I'm going to throw caution to the wind once again and not take the SEC points. Does Arkansas even kick field goals? If they do, aren't they just direct snaps to McFadden? Isn't Urban Meyer the ultimate foil to this crazy offense? Who better to dissect the exotic Wildcat offense? This looks to be a great game just from the endless "WTF?" potential. I have to stick with the Gators on this, if only to try to get Broderick to spin the Wheel of Death one more time.
Trev's pick: Florida

West Virginia (-10.5) vs. Rutgers 745et (ESPN)
The dream officially dies Saturday night, Rutgers. No Springsteen songs, no heroic epitaphs in the national media, just pain, cold, unrelenting mountaineer justice with just a sweet tinge of Jack Daniels' No. 7 lingering in the air. Pat White, Steve Slaton, burning couches, and a good helping of crazy 'Neer fans resorting to their usual devices to keep warm. The Knights should be lauded for their fantastic season, and while they, and possibly their coach, fade off into the New Jersey night, it was a good run...and that's about it. They can't pass for beans.
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Nebraska (+3.5) vs. Oklahoma 800et (ABC)
The 'Huskers return to Big XII title action once again! Maybe this time we won't humiliate our half of the conference. I think we'll buck the tradition and head straight to Tempe/Glendale/wherever the heck it is! I've got my discount liquor card all raring to go, and I've had the kid google map most of the greater ASU/Tempe area. If only there was a way to determine the best margaritas ahead of time, like some kind of alcoholic phone directory. The Sooners should be applauded for doing all of this without their resident man-child Petersen, but order must be restored.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

Trev Alberts is a unabashed graduate of the University of Nebraska. Their new inflatable mascot still creeps him out.