Week 1 Trevonics: With Frosting!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Rise and freaking shine, college football! A well-wished Lemsday to you all, and happy 2007 to everyone. We return now to the in season, the season of the Trev, and lo unto me, the alpha and the omega of all your degenerate wagering needs! Feast your eyes upon my astounding feats of prognosticatory derring-do, bold generalizations, and cowardly chalk betting! Continuing with the decorum of this momentous kickoff, let us bring out the 2006 scoreboard. Interns! Wheels up!

2006 Season:
Straight Up: 85-32
Against the Spread: 64-50-2

Now please don your ceremonial raiments as we officially welcome the 2007 season....by detonating the old scoreboard!

RENEW! RENEW! RENEW!

Season to date:
Straight Up: 0-0
Against the Spread: 0-0-0

That sure was easy. We only lost two or three interns to this year's carousel, a new record, and the office only suffered minor structural damage. Now, on to Week 1, a grueling 25 course slate of sugary delights, great unknowns, and other delicious shadowy enigmas.

(Obvious disclaimer: Trevonics is for entertainment purposes only.-IO)

Louisiana State (-17.5) at Mississippi State (8/30, 8pm ET, ESPN)

Let's kick off with one so-called main event before we track back into the sugary sweet abyss. In all honesty, in the middle of October, this game is an afterthought. Against the black velvet of uneventful tuneup games, this assumed ass-forking sparkles like a mid season clash of titans. On paper, which is really all we have to go on right now, LSU destroys any glimmer of hope within 50 miles of Starkville. There's the slightest possibility that Sly can pull a fast one on the Tigers, but I wouldn't wager anything more than 3 hours on an otherwise uneventful Thursday night.
Trev's pick: Lousiana State

This leaves the remainder of our Thrusday night viewing to be of the delectable cupcake variety. I'm not even going to give these matchups any more mention other than eat delicious Blue flavored cupcakes from our favorite staff whatsit, in honor of the Bloo-ness of the Boise State Broncos and the Buffalo...Buffalo.



Rutgers (-32) over Buffalo
Lousiville (OFF) over Murray State
Boise State (OFF) over Weber State

As for Saturday's games, nothing says whimsical tuneup match more than a batch of Monkey cupcakes. I don't know why. I can't explain it. I'm not a scientist.



Michigan (OFF) over Appalachian State
Florida (OFF) over Western Kentucky
Ohio State (OFF) over Youngstown State
Penn State (-38.5) over Florida International
West Virginia (-23) over Western Michigan
Oklahoma (-40.5) over North Texas
Texas (-39) over Arkansas State
Arkansas (-23.5) over Troy
Southern Cal (-46) over Idaho
Hawaii (OFF) over Northern Colorado

Virginia Tech (-27.5) over East Carolina (1200et ESPN)
If I could be serious for a moment, I love pirates. Like, a whole lot. I almost wanted to put this game in the cupcake file, but then I remembered that Skip Holtz' salty crew actually played in some semblance of a bowl game last year. I might as well give them some respect for that. Anyway, to get really serious for a second, the Hokies are going to put on a clinic. We're all going to be pulling for a complete barnburner in Blacksburg. Word to the wise, ESPN, don't overschlock this coverage or else we might just be watching VT on the ACC Network next year.
Trev's pick: Virginia Tech

Wisconsin (-14) over Washington State (330et ABC)
Until proven otherwise, games like this are tomato cans wrapped in power conference labels. Washington State, a respectable program on most levels, is just not getting me very excited this year. There's not even an air of mystery like Arizona State, Illinois, or Ole Miss. Do I think Washington State is going to get to a bowl game? Drawing the line right now, I'm going to have to say no. I just don't see how they can get out of the PAC-10 alive, and Wisconsin is obviously the better team playing in Madison. Two scores isn't enough.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Nebraska (-21.5) over Nevada (330et ABC)
So many joys of mine rolled up into one afternoon kickoff: my 'Huskers, the Pistol, and regional coverage! If everyone believes the hype that Callahan can give the Trojans a stern talking-to, I have to believe that they can get by the Wolfpack. Let's kick off the season right, no bad mojo, and watch the season develop.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

UCLA (-17) over Stanford (330et)
We all know Jim Harbaugh bows to no man, but he just doesn't have the horses right now to overtake the Bruins, no matter how many gimmes Karl may throw his way. DeWayne Walker returns a now fearsome UCLA defense, and the offense is finally getting its act together. Chris Markey is good for at least 100 yards against a likely undersized Stanford line, but that's just my Xbox talking here. Don't try to pass Cardinal, that back 4 is full of 89s and 90s. UCLA has a good three scores in them, one on the ground, one in the air, and one pick-six into the marching band.
Trev's pick: UCLA

Oklahoma State (+6) at Georgia (645et ESPN2)
The first dog of the year in a slate covered with cupcakey chalk. A lot of factors are coming into play here. The first is my Trev senses tingling that the 'Dawgs may be a skooch overrated, but more importantly, the fact that the Cowboys are a sleeper team on Xbox. A-, A-, B+ and unranked, primed for underestimation at all times. If the kids howls from last night are any indication, the Cowboys can cough it up 5 times and still win...that Orson Swindle character runs a mean offense for OSU. Back to reality, I don't think this is close enough for a middle, so no split pick.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma State

TCU (-21) over Baylor (600et CSTV)
Good old CSTV, always getting the prime cuts of the opening schedule. TCU gets Big XII tomato can Baylor with a deceptive line. I really want to say the final score will be 15-0 Horned Frogs, but, say it with me now, "It's Baylor."
Trev's pick: TCU

Auburn (-13.5) over Kansas State (745et ESPN)
I'm not completely licensed to say this, but, FREE MONEY. Kansas State, at night, at Jordan-Hare, against Auburn. Helmets will be flying off, rock music blaring at Guns 'N Roses decibel levels, and a Tiger team that certainly feels neglected this offseason. Sure, they're in the top 25, but I get the feeling they've got a big old chip on their shoulders this year. I sure as hell know I'm not giving them any respect, but this game should be a cakewalk for Auburn.
Trev's pick: Auburn

Tennessee (+6) at California (800et ABC)
Sure, Cal is spitting blood and seething for revenge, but I just think the Vols hold serve this weekend. Mark it up to the old chestnut "goodol'SECfootbawteamspeed" and I know Cal is the new Oregon with its sleek speed and fancy uniforms, but last year in Neyland they showed how soft they were. I don't think they can toughen up enough in one offseason. Here's still hoping they rock the Trojans though....It's a tough game, I can't split it under 7 points, but I hope its the marquee matchup worthy to look forward to.
Trev's pick: Tennessee

Florida State (-3.5) over Clemson (9/3 800et ESPN)
*All apologies to the brothers Mac for not getting this one in on the original post. All this cupcake business left me with quite the sugar crash. This game and Hawaii fell through the cracks. Apologies for any Northern Colorado fans holding out hope. As for the Labor Day bumfuzzling, I'm sorry Clemson, but I'm just not seeing it in the cards. Bowden's rallying up the troops and, again, the Xbox isn't picking up what you guys are putting down. That run game is going to have to get past Chuck Amato's boys, a defense that can only be described as "perky" this early in the season. Repeating the obvious: Florida State, night, flaming spears, Oakley sunglasses.
Trev's pick: Florida State

Notre Dame (-2.5) over Georgia Tech (330et NBC)
As usual, we throw this last one in for the kid, the crazy bastard that he is. Depending on where you look, you could argue that the Yellow Jackets are ranked, so maybe that can give you solace in this otherwise lengthy Trevonics. Probably the greatest unknown of this season is WTF the Irish are up to this season. Knifewrenchs? Jimmy Clausen? Good D? Bad D? Who the hell knows? Theyre like Georgia Tech, except no one knows their names. I'm looking out for Tashard Choice as usual, as he is a beast on 2008, and gave the Irish brief spurts of fits last year. Also, their potential starting QB is a wannabe CIA operative who just might complete 50% of his passes...so not Reggie Ball. Mysterious all around, but no one likes a whiny editor.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is probably still working for CSTV. He loves him some cupcakes.

News Flash: ND QB controversy in the midst of triple triple reverse

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

*******THIS IS AN EMERGENCY BROADCAST OF THE EMERGENCY BLOGGING SYSTEM*******

This site is enacting the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

FireMarkMay.com, in voluntary cooperation with the Federal Communications Commission and federal, state, and internet authorities, have developed this system to keep you informed in the event of an emergency.

Late Wednesday, sources have divulged the identity of the starting QB for Notre Dame's home opener against the Georgia Tech Yellow Jackets. Breaking the story with the help of Facebook, a social networking site, the Notre Dame blog known as Robot Charlie divulged the identity of said starting quarterback to be none other than Demetrius Jones. Known aliases of Mr. Jones include DJ, DD, Double Disaster, Mr. Jones, QB #3, and "that scrambling Irish QB guy on NCAA."

Concerns that the release of this "state secret" is causing the Notre Dame Nation to begin the wringing of hands and gnashing of teeth a full 48 hours before a snap of meaningful football. For ease of reference, the NDN security alert has been raised to "unnecessary yellow" or "The 2005 'The Shirt'":
The larger issues at hand are both the amount and direction of damage the spilled starting secret has created. Initial reactions are leading to the possible excommunication of the noble amateur blogger, but that may soon to be reconsidered as an over-reaction. The real concern is the nature of the information leak, the credibility of the source, the true source of the source, the motive behind said source, the gamesmanship behind the leak, and the interpretation of that gamesmanship by internet commentors, and the fanbases at large.

To be clearer, we have no proof at this time that this inside information is not actually disinformation by the hands of the actual Robot Genius, Charlie Weis. Long known to be fascinated by text messaging and keeping secrets tucked neatly under his large, stretched-out Notre Dame coaches' hoody, Coach Weis man in fact want us all to believe that Jones is the starter when, in fact, he is NOT the starter. If he is not the starter, then who is? This leads us all back to our original assumption that this internet communique is actually leading us all to believe that the true starter of this Saturday's home opener is in fact Jimmy Clausen. Of course, for that to be known and the logical end of this information, Jimmy must, in actuality, ALSO not be the starter. Therefore, by process of elimination, Evan Sharpley will be leading the Irish onto the field against Georgia Tech, which, of course, is what Weis wants us to think. This leaves us to the chilling conclusion that the starting quarterback is none other than "that other guy", Darren Bragg.

We here at the Emergency Blogging System hope this clears up the situation for everyone, especially Georgia Tech DC, John Tenuta. We know he is keeping close tabs on this situation as it develops, and is now scrambling to reorganize Thursday's practice to gameplan against Bragg. However, if that's his gameplan, the Irish will have to counter with their own adjustments which may not include Bragg at all.

More on this as it develops, or when my eyes uncross.

This has been a broadcast of the Emergency Blogging System. This is not a test.

******END TRANSMISSION******

Muppet Newscaster is the sole operator of FireMarkMay's EBS. He is also unnecessarily yellow.

Book Review: Saturday Rules by Austin Murphy

Talking it over with our legal department, we've all decided that if anyone is capable of giving any kind of endorsement, its myself. You might think its because Trev can't be trusted with full creative control, but its really because he's mastering the Pistol on NCAA right now. He doesn't have time for anyone to read 325 pages to him.

Saturday Rules is a quick run through the major events of the 2006 season. Mainly focused on the Irish and Southern Cal, Murphy gives us the story lines both on the field and off, illustrating key points of each game in the heat of the moment, even with the occasional insight into his side-notes. Outside the game, he colors each battle with the backgrounds of various coaches, Weis and Carroll being the main yin and yang, and players. Each chapter focuses on a key game from last year, but he occasionally jumps past some upsets to show the shadow they cast on the following game.

Overall, it's a great light read to get you ready for the 2007 campaign. Murphy certainly hits all of the major points of last season, but it often feels like he often skims the surface. Maybe my daily college football surfing has spoiled me with more details than I could possibly give justice, but I feel like most people picking up this book will have at least a good idea of the finer points of last season. Weis coached for the Pats, Ted Ginn Sr. coached a bunch of current Buckeyes, Urban Meyer's spread offense is sexy, and Rutgers used to be really bad. Unfortunately, with each game/event only taking up 10 pages or so, the chance to dig any deeper is lost in the whirlwind of a writer crossing the country many times over.

However, that whirlwind is part of the book's character. Murphy's frequent flying is all over his writing. Running across the country, through SFO, to cover the absolute highlight reel of 2006 match ups (he even flies into Columbus' "Intl" airport), his frantic schedule takes over the writing. Between the storylines, he covers pivotal games with rapid-shot details that boil even epic struggles like UM-tOSU to a page or two. Again, an excellent way to brush up on your recent college football storylines while getting ready for the new year. Pick it up for your next road trip.




-irishoutsider

This campus business is rough

Guest Commentary

By Joe McKnight
USC RB, VHT PS#1

Don't get me started on all that tradition business. I understand that, that's what I'm here for, to be the man down here in Cali, The LAW, if I can be so bold. But, let me just begin by saying that while I respect an admire Coach Carroll for recognizing a talent such as myself, and bringing me out here to light up the Coliseum night in and night out, some of this stuff is just not rolling the way I thought it would.

Let's start with these so-called accommodations they had us set up in. I mean, shoot, son, almost none of them had any air-conditioning. I'm not even talking like, hey, they broke, I mean, that shit wasn't even standard in the first place. This is LA, is all I'm saying, and I've got to be rocking the AC if they expect this high-performance machine of mine to be running at top speed. Can't get overheated on me, come on now. They even paired me up with this pencil-necked busta from down the coast. Some OC whiteboy talking on and on all day about his film school. George Lucas posters all up in my 11 by 11 box. I mean, I like Halo and shit just like the rest of y'alls, but I'm gonna lightsaber his ass the next time I bring a girl back here to find him knee deep in that action-figure playset shit. That must have happened, like 6, 7 times this week before I hit Coach on his Blackberry. Seems like a bunch of my teammates were having similar altercations, and we got ourselves some housing upgrades real quick. Good luck with that box fan your mom's got you at Shop Rite, Star Wars.

While I can't exactly go into the details of my latest rooming situation at this time, I will say that it's clean as hell, and I'm staying with my boys on the team now. I've been hanging out with Marc Tyler, dicking him on the new Madden, and talking about how we're getting no respect on the practice fields. I mean, we the shit, right? All I hear during the week is Chauncey this or CJ that, and Marc hears me too. He's all like, we didn't come here to ride no pine like a sucker. I know I came here to get me some prime time, right? You hear me. Strap me on one of them visors and getting that PT with the Ones.

I mean, the football is hard enough, but now this campus stuff is getting real. I've got like classes and stuff coming up, and they like all over the place. I got to get me one of them golf carts, or acquire myself one of those bikes I see lying around all over the place. And the food? That spread is nasty, man! All this training table business is hurting my finer palate sensibilities. I mean, that smoked salmon is farm-raised, these bagels ain't got enough flax, and there certainly no Omega-3 hiding in my eggs. I sent one of those grad types away from his cancer-curing microscope and run some diagnostic shit for me. I heard he helped Reggie and Matt get some other fluids looked at, if you know what I mean. You sure as hell do. Yeah, we run this, what? Back to that dining situation, I don't know how these non-players are getting it done. I took a look at some of that chipped beef and ham sandwich they lining up for the rest of them and I'll like get me some real sandwich. I look around, and all we got is this west coast, greasy-ass In and Out shit 'round here. I heard the closest Panera is out in El Segundo, and the Ralph's, they don't even carry milk-fed veal all that regularly. Fuck that shit.

How you gonna keep running a top-flight program like this if you ain't got no flax? That's all I'm really saying man, I know you hear me. I'm Joe McKnight, RB1, son, and I've just got to know that y'all are taking good care of this scholarship you're extending. I could have gone to a lot of places, but I chose here. Sure, I could be out there earning like some guys I know, but I'm here, ready to earn me some of them trophies, some of them rings. So get me the rock, and where the fuck is that skinny whiteboy with my soy chai?

Hook 'Em Horns

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

The new year is barely a day old, not a snap of official football has been played, but the Big XII fans are in mid-season form. Allowing ourselves to sit back and take in the splendor of this news story, we allow the headline to speak for itself, excerpt to follow:

Church Deacon, OU Fan Tears Scrotum Of UT Fan In Bar Fight
(HT: Uncle Smooth and NBC5i.com)

A couple of months before the annual Red River Shootout between the Sooners and Longhorns, words were exchanged at Henry Hudson's Pub between Allen Beckett, 53, and Brian Thomas. Witnesses said it was because Thomas was wearing a UT T-shirt. Neither Thomas or Beckett chose to comment, but the police report described what happened to the victim, including graphic details about his injuries that included a torn scrotal sack with partially exposed testicles.

We close this news bulletin with the obligatory "Ode to a Nut Shot."



Muppet Newscaster has returned from hiatus. He is still hiding from the legitimate media.

The time of the preseason has ended

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

With the waning moments of the preseason behind us in our make believe rear-view mirror, do not be fooled by its made up warning. While it does appear closer than it appears, take my word that the preseason is firmly behind us. Now that the last of the practice updates are a thing of the past, let me be the first to ring in this glorious gameweek! No more shall the analysis be of the backward looking variety, no more future projections based on incomplete 2006 knowledge, no more discussion of summertime blues in the mode of KC and his benevolent Sunshine Band. Why? Because I, the Trev, have willed it!

Your soul belongs to me once again, mysterious interwebs, and as I flip this large novelty switch, signifying the end of our darkest of seasons, please feel free to picture any one of the following ceremonial accouterments to ring in this glorious transition:

• the release of several hundred doves
• the pealing of bells, both religious and secular
• the hissing-tap of several kegs at once
• that crinkly tin sound the bottle of lighter fluid makes
• the expensive sound of an electric guitar destroying personal property
• the wail of our editor as his credit rating is soon to drop
• and many more!

With the pomp out of the way, let us move on to the circumstances. Please rise, gentleman doff your caps, and join me in the recitation of the FireMarkMay loyalty oath:

The FireMarkMay Loyalty Oath
by Trev Alberts

I [state your name], pledge allegiance
To the Trev, and the glorious state of football,
And to the obsession, for which it stands.
One nation, under the influence
with tailgating and marching bands for all.
Amen.

Please remain standing, and join all of us, especially The Hasselhoff, in the singing of "Looking for Freedom"




Trev Alberts is a former ESPN empty suit. He is currently reenacting this video in his office.

Sell by Sep. 1st: Preseason Blogpoll

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We are nigh on to 11 days remaining in this fleeting preseason. Time to put in our first official ballot for the Blogpoll, even if I'm not official, and even if it's not officially started. Considering you need to be in the preseason to make a preseason poll, now is as good a time as ever. I've been able to distract the kid with various football distractions and Guitar Hero 80's, so let's get this over with.

1. Southern Cal
2. LSU
3. Texas
   
4. West Virginia
5. Michigan
6. Oklahoma
   
7. Louisville
8. Virginia Tech
9. Florida State
10. Ohio State
11. UCLA
12. Oregon
13. Florida
14. Penn State
15. Wisconsin
16. South Carolina
17. California
18. Nebraska
19. Alabama
20. Missouri
21. Texas A&M
22. Georgia Tech
23. Iowa
24. South Florida
25. Hawaii

Comments, Observations, various unfounded preseason Speculation:

1-5: USC, LSU, Texas, WfnVU, Michigan-
You're odds on favorites to win the coveted BCS auto-bids, and heir apparents for the national title game. Southern Cal and LSU are my defacto 1-2 based on combination of talent and schedules. Texas comes in at 3 because I have them as a slight favorite to win the Red River Big XII Title game. WVU get Louisville at home and are otherwise freaking ridiculous. Michigan is here with ND, THE Ohio, and Penn State at home, and are current kings of the Big Ten hill until someone knocks them off.

6-10: Oklahoma, Louisville, Virginia Tech, Florida State, Ohio State-
This is a tricky area, especially considering the entire muddle that is ranks 4-10 this preseason. There's a lot more question marks than anyone would like to admit, and no one has the Trevosity of one such as myself. It boils down to this for my preseason prognostickery: Who would you rather be in NCAA 2008? Texas over OU, UM over OSU, WfnVU>>>>>>Louisville. Technically, if I held 2008 standard to my entire top 25, WVU would be 1-3, followed by USC, and Hawaii, Penn State, and Notre Dame would be ranked irrationally high. VT/FSU belong up here as the predicted class of the ACC with some favorable scheduling to boot. Ohio State rounds out the rest as they only play 3 games, and get 8 preseason tuneups to work out the kinks.

11-15: UCLA, Oregon, Florida, Penn State, Wisconsin-
The required "2-3 losses, but maybe less with some help" section. Previously dominated by soon-to-be meat-grinded SEC bellweathers, this year's poll is foolish enough to believe that any of these teams has the opportunity to pull a fast one on Southern Cal or Michigan, or, in Florida's case, get out of their SEC schedule alive. Penn State has the slight schedule edge on Wisconsin, and we're already penciling in UCLA and Oregon for prime spots in a PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

16-20: South Carolina, California, Nebraska, Alabama, Missouri-
Someone has to win the Big XII North, and I'm already getting ready to watch my 'Huskers lose to their title game by 40 points. It's actually an honor to be sacrificed for Dr. Pepper. South Carolina and Alabama get in as teams that can make me look smart despite losing their divisions. Missouri begrudgingly rounds out the end, just in case they live up to the hype.

21-25: Texas A&M, Georgia Tech, Iowa, USF, Hawaii-
Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Darkhorse. Colt Brennan. He plays in the WAC. A great WAC team is always 25th, crossing their fingers for some kind computer help, not unlike the movie SpaceCamp. The Aggies and Yellow Jackets have their work cut out for them, and I'd take A&M in a fight. Iowa gets the obligatory Big Ten BYE schedule...maybe they won't screw it up. USF is almost cliche, but I'm riding it to hell.

Also receiving an undisclosed amount of unordered votes:
Auburn, Tennessee, Notre Dame, Rutgers, Georgia, Arizona State, and Duke (1)-
Anyone of these teams, except for Duke, could be in the 15-25 range by mid-September. All it takes is a few stumbles or, in the Volunteers' case, dousing Cal in moonshine and lighting them on fire. Arizona State, again they tempt me, convincing everyone else that they should be someone to watch, now with 100% more crazy Erickson, so I'll throw them into the the honorable mention category. Rutgers may just outlast their sophomore slump, and a low top 25 season would be certainly commendable. The Irish are an enigma wrapped in a riddle, so to keep the kid drawing spirals on the office fixtures and muttering about secret robot transmissions, I'm throwing them firmly in the "possible potential" category.

Trev Alberts is a licensed CSTV football talking guy. Excuse him while he drops a truth bomb.

Positional struggles of impending DOOM

By Cerberus
1st circle of the Underworld

From the depths of darkest Hades, I had been summoned by the Dark Lord Saban to devour one Trev Alberts, He who mocked the Dark Lord, commissioning internet implications that the Dark Lord was, for lack of a better word, a poofter. Upon reaching the pre-fab gates of this modern-day cubicle-shaped dominion, I was greeted warmly by a a festering pile of the primordial and handed a nice saucer of warm cream. Although I am lactose intolerant, I enjoyed it immensely as both a token of gratitude and for its dairy delectableness, garnished with some nice coconut shavings, but I digress. Having entered the inner sanctum of the one they call Alberts, I found him boorishly dozing on a fold-a-way cot, still sullied with the stenches of an unsavory evening and senses dulled by such. As wrenching one's soul from their slumber is most unhonorable, I calmly waited like an agile hunter, preparing for my dutiful strike while my prey broke free of his chains of bourbon and rye. The minutes turned to hours, and the hours turned into quite a time stealing afternoon. Busying myself with inspecting his office, I realized that his earthly domain was truly foul, fit to be a country home for myself, a break from the daily toils of Hades for the mere light-hearted masochism of this internet punditry.

Caught unawares in my daydream haze, He who is Trev blindsided me with praise, some informal grooming, and a thorough game of That Which You Call Frisbee. You are a pernicious lot of beggars, thieves, sloths, and other ne'er do wells here, and you shave a fine coconut. Make me a doghouse in the style of He Who Is Snoopy, The Dog Who Walks, and you shall have my services.

Now, with that infernal segued introduction firmly in my past, I bring to you, oh handful of obsessive electronic fanatics, the positional struggles of impending DOOM! Yay, these struggles are sure to tear your carefully crafted predictions asunder. Your hopes and dreams crash upon the rocky crags of uncertainty with every stumble of your alma mater. Look, thee, into the abyss. (As is your heathen custom, I tip my proverbial hat to Rivals.com)


Southern Cal running back: CJ Gable, Chauncey Washington, Emanuel Moody, and Joe McKnight-
The unending list of touted running talent knows no bounds in Heritage Hall. In truth, the list is infinite, as the position is truly a Hydra. Strike down one back, and two spring up in his place, an endless cycle of controversy. On and on, the mobius strip of pain and HB Wham shall turn, and a silver poodle shall yip wildly in the blackest of the moonless nights over Englewood. The bodies of the also-rans shall rise so high, the clamoring for playing time so intense, eventually the fields will run red with blood, as practices cull the weak. Unfortunately, the surviving victors shall be horribly stricken in the melees, unable to perform. SO IT IS WRITTEN! DOOM! DOOM UNTO THEM!


Notre Dame Quarterback: Evan Sharpley, Demetrius Jones, and Jimmy Clausen-
A truly biblical struggle as the entire Fighting Irish team is shrouded in mystery this season. The guise of rebuilding clouds all judgment, and the always enigmatic offense of the obese robotic man further muddles the picture. Each man has a unique skill package that completely transforms the team's identity, from dual-threat madness to austere pocket efficiency, causing all outcomes to be both possible, yet impossible. The howls from South Bend following every practice report will fall deaf to the unending screams of horror should the first anointed QB fail to complete the slightest check-down. The dust will settle, and their false messiah will arrive with the sound of a trumpet, signifying the end time of unimaginable DOOM! AS REVEALED IN THE DARK HYMNALS AND TAKEOUT MENUS OF THE DAMNED! DOOM!


Colorado Quarterback: Bernard Jackson, Cody Hawkins, and Nick Nelson-
Another three-headed beast of the two-deep, and the festering evil within warms my cold black heart forged from the blackest, coldest obsidian, in the depths of the Underworld's reputed glass-blowing district on 7th street. A program radically shifting schemes like the sands of time in the vortex of the never ending abyss of the hereafter, the noble Buffaloes search for a leader of a faceless army. The visor-clad hordes shield their identities, until one imminent day the coach puts his kid in under center. The silent moans of the Colorado faithful ring throughout the mountain time zone like the din of an unexpectdly adorable demonic hummingbird. DO NOT IGNORE ITS HUMMING OMENS! DOOMY DOOM DOOM RINGS IN THE HALLS OF THE MOUNTAIN KINGS!


Florida State Seminoles Quarterback: Drew Weatherford, Xavier Lee, and Christian Ponder-
More controversy of the quarterbacking variety, as the Seminoles have been long cursed with the spectors of these men's prospects hovering over them like a lucid telemarketer calling in the middle of the night. The wrong number of pain and devastation begat to all on the....excuse me, I lost my place...woe unto the truth-listerner type who mishears the clarion call of the all-knowing Bowden patriarch, bumfuzzling his way into the decision that molds his program's fortune. An endless enigma of athleticism versus efficiency wrestles to be wrestled upon within each of the upcoming warrior spirits, but they must choose from the breakfast offerings of their ancestors wisely, as they must not choose improperly. A poor choice is not part of a balance breakfast! DOOM TO THOSE SIDING WITHOUT BREAKFAST SANDWICH! DOOM UNTO THE UNACCOMPANIED HASH BROWN! DOOM! DOOM! DOOM!

Cerberus is the hellhound guardian of Hades. He's a huge Snoopy fan.

Football is hard work....and groin pulls. ND Practice Pics.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Alright, fiddling with the kid's camera here. Let's see what he's got...

Ok...So you drove two hours before the sun came up to watch a bunch of dudes stretching. Good work on that. Hope it was worth it.

That only slightly above average smudge in the middle of the kid's point-and-shoot is his idol, Charlie Weis. All stories of hearing his voice at practice have been versed only in awed, hushed tones.

At center, Corwin Brown, despite ravaging heat and humidity, appears to be wearing like two full sets of Under Armor cold gear. That would be uncomfortable to anyone even half the hardass of Mr. Brown, the Duke of New York, A Number 1!


Left to right, David Bruton, Tom Zbikowski, and Ambrose Wooden. I think they're running the "burnt on playaction" drill. Don't tell Tommy I said that. He looks like he'll kill anything that looks at him the wrong way.

Yikes. On a similar note, do not taunt fullback Asaph Scwhapp... Shortly after this was taken, the managers gave him a live goat to devour with his Gatorade.

Munir Prince of NCAA '08 "I am the most ridiculous 3rd string RB in the game" fame, taking reps with the cornerbacks. I'm not an expert on depth charts, but I play one on TV, so this looks like probably a real good thing if he can make the switch for you guys.


This picture is slightly blurred because JC threw an 8 yard out immediately following its digital capturing. Any other discussion of his 2-3 for 12 performance requires an official papal imprimatur. I'm sorry, but its strictly regulated by Vatican II.

I'm getting the kid an internship at Tiger Beat if he keeps this crap up. I swear, every time I even mention his name, the editor titters like a schoolgirl watching High School Musical...but he's no Zac! If you say Jimmy is dreamier than Zac, I will cut you, and that is for serious.

Trev Alberts is a grown man getting paid to talk about college football on television. He will still cut you.

Release the editors!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I guess we're starting this year's Amazing Trev Trip of Wonderment a little bit early, as the kid's beloved Robot Genius has seen fit to open practice to the teeming hordes willing to head to South Bend at the crack of dawn....

(HT: UND.com) NOTRE DAME, Ind. - Fans looking to get a sneak peek of the 2007 Notre Dame football team are invited to attend Fan Appreciation Day on Saturday, Aug. 11 inside Notre Dame Stadium. The event starts at 9:00 a.m. and lasts until 11:30 a.m. and is free to everyone in attendance.

Led by head coach Charlie Weis, the Irish coaching staff will run the football team through its only public practice for two and a half hours, weather permitting. Gates at Notre Dame Stadium open at 8:30 a.m. and seating is on a first come, first served basis in the lower bowl.

Stadium concession stands will not be open but fans will be allowed to enter with non-alcoholic beverages in plastic containers. Notre Dame ushers will be present at the gates and throughout the Stadium and will remove any patrons who bring in alcoholic beverages or glass containers. Restrooms will be open in the lower bowl of Notre Dame Stadium.

Autographs and/or photos with the players or coaches will not be available prior to, during or following practice. Fans are encouraged to park in the lots located just south of the Stadium. Tailgating prior to and following practice will not be permitted. If weather forces the team to practice inside, the event will not be rescheduled.

WHAT: Fan Appreciation Day
WHEN: Saturday, Aug. 11, 9:00-11:30 a.m.
WHERE: Notre Dame Stadium
COST: Free (No tickets required)
SEATING: General Admission in the lower bowl (First come, first served)
PARKING: In lots south of Notre Dame Stadium or Library lots
GATES: All gates will open at 8:30 a.m.

We're tentatively scheduled to have Irish take in all of the morning splendor with co-defendant Brian from HouseRockBuilt, hopefully with pictures, sound, and video if he deciphers the secret map I created to reveal the hiding place of his camera. I will likely be unable to attend as I have a bender penciled in for this evening.

Of course, kid, while you're out there at practice and all, see if you can get some reps in with the slapping coaches. You hit like a girl.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN stuffed shirt. When he hits you you'll know it.

Word up, Trev

With the recent NCAA text messaging ban, we've taken the liberty of accessing the coaches' private chat room to see how they're handling the situation. With obvious hat-tips to The Dugout and HouseRockBuilt, enjoy. -irishoutsider



*******You are logged in. Welcome to the chat!*******


LastTemptationOfWeis:
This text thing is killing me, Steve.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
I know, Chuck. How in the hell am I gonna keep in touch on the back nine?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
The whole situation makes me angry. Angry and hungry. Hungry for justice.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
It's too damn hot out to be angry.



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Damn hungry hot! We've got to do something.


******COACHOSMASH has entered the chat.*******


COACHOSMASH:
WHOMESSAWITHACOACHOPHONE!



FieSemmay_OnThree:
NCAA getting to you, Coach O?



COACHOSMASH:
UDAMMARIGHT! WEREALLDATYPAFONESAT?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
They took them, Coach O. Looks like it's hit you pretty bad too. We're just going to have to call in all the coaches and try to get this changed.


FieSemmay_OnThree:
Yeah. That's a great idea.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
Shucks, Chaz. I'm getting fitted for this year's visor at 3. Can we push this back?



COACHOSMASH:
DACOACHO's HUNTINBIGOL' GRIZZLAHBARES UNTAHNEXLEMSDAY!



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Well, hell. I've got practice all month, and then the season, you guys know how crowded the schedules going to get then...


FieSemmay_OnThree:
Damn right. And the press conferences, and the luncheons, and the



COACHOSMASH:
DACOACHO SPEAKATLEAGUEAWOMMAVOTAH PANNYCAKEBRUNCH!



FieSemmay_OnThree:
and all that other crap. Can we push this back to like, December?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Probably not, we'll probably be getting ready for some kind of bowl game.



FieSemmay_OnThree:
Same here. Horsepiss...I need me some texting. Say, Coach O, you're going to be free, right?


COACHOSMASH:
REBAHGOINTOWINITALL!! DON'TYOUPUTYA WITCRAFFONME SPURYA!



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Calm down, everyone. Here, have a danish.
/offers danish


FieSemmay_OnThree:
It's the internet, Charlie. I can't have your danish.



LastTemptationOfWeis:
/eats 3 danishes

I've already had your danishes for you, problem solved.



COACHOSMASH:
IJUSSMOKA' SOMGATAHMEET!



FieSemmay_OnThree:
Yeah, I gotta start game planning for those dadgum bastards too...Want to just hang out on here?



LastTemptationOfWeis:
Yeah, I can do that. It's not the same, but it'll have to do I guess.



COACHOSMASH:
LEMSDAY.