Updated: Friday, June 30, 2006

June Rundown

Some highlights from the month of June:

Also, for good measure, here's some of Mr. Alberts' earlier adventures:

I'm out for the weekend, so Trev and the guys are on their own. It was a hard decision to make, but I have to get out of here.

They've stopped doing shots every time we get a visitor, so hopefully the weekend BBQ will only require minor first aid. I've hidden most of the lighter fluid just in case, but if the office is still here, I'll be back next week for business as usual.

-irishoutsider

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The End Time



Finally, the kid's hard work has paid off, and the audience I so richly deserve has come knocking. I told those suits that Trev Alberts had "it." I've got "it" in freaking spades, man! Watch as I bludgeon the internet with "it!"

Let's get the formalities out of the way. In exchange for the kid's first born and cash considerations, FireMarkMay.com got a shoutout from the college blog moguls over at EDSBS. A gift basket arrived today including an Entertainment coupon booklet, decorative soaps, and my very own copy of Phil Steele's 2006 College Football Preview. Not to rest on my laurels, I've commissioned our editor to begin molding a graven idol in my visage.


Getting back to college football, this off-season has people playing "What If?" with conference affiliations yet again. The Kansas City Star, by way of The Wizard of Odds, brings an interesting scenario: What if Colorado left the Big XII for the Pac-10?

Let's look at the chain reaction this would cause.


The W.O.P.R (left) pictured with one of its many programmers.

  • Colorado and a Mountain West team (BYU/Utah) head to the PAC-10
  • The new PAC-12 gets lucrative title game, creating new BCS scenarios in which Oregon, Colorado, and Cal can get screwed simultaneously.
  • To replace Colorado, the Big XII takes Arkansas. No one in the SEC notices.
  • The SEC, now needing a 12th, steals Louisville. The Big East tries to throw a basketball at UL, but it is deflected by a large pile of football money.
  • The Big Ten swoops in and tries to finally claim Pitt. WVU challenges Panthers to a duel.
  • According to current NCAA regulations, conflicts over final conference spots must be determined by Robot Jox, opposed to a playoff because "this is the system we have in place."
  • Wannstedt forgets to install offense, WVU to Big Ten, Pitt to the MAC.
  • The remaining mid-majors realign, no one notices.
  • Notre Dame AD Kevin White continues to "monitor the conference landscape" using an old version of NORAD's W.O.P.R. Confused by Dr. White's public statements, the computer launches an attack on NATO.
  • Defcon 1.
We're through the looking glass here, people, consider this fair warning. Yet another argument for taking the computers out of the BCS equation, it just makes sense.

I should get back to the yard, I think the kid built a golden calf.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN anchorman. He once slapped Dabney Coleman.

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Updated: Thursday, June 29, 2006

Knock it off, clones.



How do people keep getting caught like this? We live in an internet age, the time of Star Wars kid and that fatty Numa Numa freaky deeky Dutchman. Seriously, people, stop lip-synching to popular music. Period. Anything, even in the supposed privacy of your own home, is playing with fire. The latest hapless victim? The Penn State kid.

However, being the cynic that I am, I have the some doubts about this video's sincerity. The whole doorknob-cam thing makes this about as convincing as those We Live Together roommates persuading "random" girls on the street into dirty three-ways, not that I would know about that or anything.

If I was a betting man, I would wager that faking the geekery of opposing fans becomes the new message board weapon of choice. Unfortunately, the Notre Dame MBA tailgate remains very real, very white, and very lame. Rack me.

UPDATE: YouTube has pulled the video for "copyright reasons". You can still watch it here, but the real/fake argument soldiers on.

Jim Rome is an ESPN blowhard. We didn't know people still used Grecian formula.

(This piece of internet was brought to us by The Blog That Yost Built, Deadspin, and the number 1.)

7 comments

Updated: Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Grand Theft Punditry



Inspiration strikes again thanks to Ed Orgeron, Orson Swindle, and their legions of admirers. If Ole Miss is like a Hummer, what about other colleges? This has off-season written all OVER it. With an extra tip of the hat to the well-circulated Hey Jenny Slater's Simpsons Cavalcade of Football, let the idea-borrowing begin.


Ohio State-Escalade
When I think of college football and cars, I automatically think of Ohio State. If there's one car that sums up the Buckeyes, it's the Escalade. It's big, it's bold, it's allegedly the gift of choice. Metaphorically tied to the program's traditionally staunch defense, it will roll over any opponent too slow to run around it, or over it.



Oregon-Honda Civic
The shiny paint jobs and endless modifications have become synonymous with the Ducks and their overt uniform deal with Nike. While Stu loves the latest look of these modern gladiators, they make me think of guys who spend $40,000 to soup up a $20,000 stock car. Sure, Oregon looks awesome, but they always seem to fall behind at the finish.


Michigan-Toyota Camry
The poster child for conservativism, the team is always dependable for a good, not great, year while getting excellent mileage. The Wolverines may not be the flashiest, but they are always there. Camry owners cite hordes of statistical evidence saying their cars are the best. They claim they have the "most cars sold" and "highest customer satisfaction", but those reports are usually dated, if not completely skewed.



Miami-Chevy Camaro
When your big brother and his friends drove theirs around the neighborhood, you thought they were the coolest thing ever, plenty of horsepower and chick magnets. With their inherent swagger and power, you thought they would never go out of style, a new classic. Now? Well, now you feel kind of dirty driving one. Still a favorite of enthusiasts everywhere, but no one really knows why.


Tennessee- The General Lee
This one is obvious. It's a car, it's orange, and the horn plays "Dixie." Phil Fulmer also bears a striking resemblence to Boss Hogg. Maybe you thought I was going to make a RV trailer joke here. Nope, that's reserved for...


West Virginia- Double-wide Trailer
With all due resect to the hard-working, blue-collar types of the Mountain State, West Viriginia is "almost there" with respect to the bigger programs. Sure, trailers are great, but it's not car, not yet a house. Of course, like most trailers the Mountaineers are pulled by a single workhorse.


USC-BMW 750Li
The classic sporty luxury car, fully-loaded, with more class than you'd expect. Most owners don't ever use all of the various features, but it usually blows away the competition anyway. You're always a little bit jealous of it, but you can't shake the suspicion that it was bought with ill-gotten gains or that the driver is hiding something in the trunk.


Florida-Hovertank
It seems like a great idea on paper, but it will probably take a few years to sort out in production. I'm sure it will work, but I'm also sure I'm forgetting something important. Possibly obsolete with improvments in modern defense.


Louisville-Vespa Scooter
This sporty number makes everyone's heads turn. It's different, unique. I'm sure it's a lot of fun, but when you can't possibly look cool riding one, you'll probably leave for a nicer ride as soon as possible.

Notre Dame-Optimus Prime
No college football roundup is complete without Notre Dame. The kid only refers to their coach as the Genius Robot, and everyone either loves or hates the Transformers. And like the Transformers, they haven't really done anything since 1988, although there's a movie in the works. Many predict a return for the franchise.



Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He drives a Dodge Stratus.

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4 comments

Updated: Thursday, June 22, 2006

Feeling the New Flavor



Trev, I've got to put in some words about these new Oregon uniforms. I know a lot of people are disrespecting them, but they just don't get it. They are wired in to the new urban consciousness. This style speaks to the streets. Nike has hit a home run connecting to today's young players, even letting them help with the design.


These Ducks are all about repping for their corp.


I don't know if you guys are into the rap scene, but there's a certain movie that has had a heavy influence on gangsta rap and is constantly mimiced in both music and fashion. Its about a culture of modern warriors, about honor, and about family. Its soundtrack is constantly sampled by a number of top artists, and although the movie is over 20 years old, the main caharacter still resonates with those seeking respect. I'm talking about James Caan and Rollerball. DVD has brought the adventures of a young Johnathan E to a new generation of ballers, and they have found what has become the hot new style.

And another thing, nothing speaks to highly touted recruits like the work Nike and Oregon have done with this newest version of the Duck mascot, Sir Drake of Autzen. He's sleek. He's fast. The duck is all about the struggle. The duck's a runner, but he's a fighter too, get it?

It's all about respecting the warrior, a tough, no-nonsense man's man that likes to accessorize with 48 different uniform combinations. If Roman gladiators had access to $2,000/gallon glass-based paint, I'm sure they would have used it, and nothing intimidates more than shiny diamond accenting with a bright yellow Oregon on your backside. I'm telling you, these uniforms are fresh. I can't wait to watch these players represent on Saturdays.

Stuart Scott is a stylish ESPN anchor. He keeps it real.

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Big Ten TV: We've Got it All!



With the new Big Ten Network on the horizon, I've decided to roll up my sleeves and get think up some programming. Maybe I'll get noticed by the suits over there and land a sweet desk job. I could be the next Rich Eisen! That totally worked out for him, why not me too?

There's got to be more to this channel than water polo and men's gymnastics meets.
Here's a few of the shows I'm pitching:


Wheel of Fish would fit this station like a glove.

  • Early Morning English with Ron Zook: Teaching cabbies everywhere how to say "Illinoise."
  • Get Up and Move with Joe Paterno: Learn the secrets to a healthier self as coach dazzles you with feats of strength! Pilot episode: JoePa pulls a semi with his teeth!
  • Who Wants to be a Buckeye? Jim Tressel hosts as recruits win fabulous prizes! (no questions asked.)
  • Michigan SportsCentury: The 1981 Rose Bowl. Relive Bo's only title every morning at 10am!
  • Justice Squad with Carl Monday: Tonight, Santonio Holmes, child molesting, libraries.
  • Iowa's Strongest Lineman: Watch the battling behemoths struggle through grueling physical challenges and competitive eating contests!
  • Madison after Dark: Go underground with the fictional Pi Pi Pi frat. (NSFW)
  • Big Ten Late Nite: Northwestern Soccer vol. 1 (NSFW)

That's what I've got for now, but this network's potential is limitless! If they don't like any of these ideas, they could at least run a few hours of Wheel of Fish or Stanley Spadowski's Clubhouse.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN desk filler. He still can't believe they cancelled Let's Make a Deal.

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Fire It Up



Chef Boyardee, part of a complete breakfast.

Checking in early this morning as per Trev's instructions. I am to wake him up at exactly 8:45 for the US-Ghana game. His breakfast of choice is already prepared for him. In an attempt to pull for both the US and Italy today, Mr. Alberts has chosen hot dogs topped with Beefaroni and a triple Cafe Americano.

He's hasn't been hopped up on caffeine this early since they cancelled Let's Make a Deal.

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Updated: Wednesday, June 21, 2006

Pro-Style Offense



While constant college football sounds like a great idea on paper, it is impractical to impose the will of huge media conglomerates, like us, onto the backs of unsuspecting student-athletes. The Wizard of Odds has a summary of Lloyd Carr's take on the sport's increasing expansion beyond the traditional season with the likes of weeknight games, extended schedules, and bowl games well into January. Coach hits the nail on the head when he becomes disgusted with the growing sacrifices programs are making in the name of television dollars. What's his solution to this growing problem? That's right, MORE GAMES.


How many luxury boxes do you shemales need?


Maybe I'm missing the sarcasm here, but Carr is proposing not 4, not 8, but a 16-team playoff structure with the top seeds hosting the first-round home games. What? 12 games is too many, but extending the post-season by three games for some teams is ok? It's not about the money, but I'm sure Michigan won't mind a 7th or 8th home game against soome smaller school, because that's what its all about right? The mid-major teams like Northern Illinois, Utah, and Fresno State deserve a shot at the big boys...by having to go through one, probably two, of some of the toughest home fields in the country just to get to the title game? After that, the system robs smaller schools from mid-tier bowl revenue. I'm sure theres a more sensible way to sort this out.

Let the Big Ten figure out how to get an undisputed champion first, then we can talk playoffs. The conference has already inked a deal for an exclusive cable channel, why not figure out a title game too? Maybe the money between the ABC deal, the DirecTV channel, and an inevitable championship game will be enough. Probably not, as the trend to make luxury boxes the new college football arms race is already under way. House Rock Built's own Dink and Dunk have already touched on the subject along with Trev and his crazy rennovation plans, but I did notice this latest development:

"With Friday's meeting the first since May's divided approval of the stadium plan, it seemed worth a walk to campus to see if the public comment period would reflect any real opposition to the stadium and/or criticism of the sneak attack nature of the decision.
Twelve people signed up to address the board, and 11 actually spoke.
Only one, Ann Arbor gadfly David Boyle, who speaks at almost every meeting, voiced opposition to the plan.
There were, for comparison purposes, five speakers urging the regents to be more supportive of the university's trans-gender community." (mlive.com)


Not to rag on Michigan too much more, but that's an interesting stat. I guess the college football landscape is changing more than I thought. Rennovating the Big House is easy, but you can't slip anything past the trans-gendered.

Kirk Herbstreit is an analyst on ESPN's College Gameday. He thinks transgendering is fine by him, its just not his bag.

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Only serving 10,000?



No...No....No no no......NO! This can't be happening! Apparently, ESPN Mobile has only 10,000 customers. That's it! America, you need to tighten it up. Get out there and buy these things or my 15 minutes is up. Without ESPN Mobile being plugged every 5 minutes on all 5 ESPNs, I'll never work my way up to anchor. There has to be more ways to get these out there...


The guy at Best Buy won't let me near these anymore.


  • Subliminal messages during PTI.
  • Berman changes everyone's nickname to "ESPN Mobile."
  • All MLB trades involving Players to be Named Later now include ESPN Mobiles.
  • Constant "Chasing ESPN Mobile" updates on news ticker.
  • Live cuts to ANYONE using the damn thing.
  • Install free copies of Mobile Tecmo Bowl.
  • "You're with me, Leather" ringtones and wallpapers.

Get on it, everyone. I need this.

ESPN Mobile Guy still aspires to be on the Worldwide Leader. He can't afford ESPN Mobile.

1 comments

Updated: Tuesday, June 20, 2006

Now serving #1000

There's a minor celebration in our midst. Today, thanks to the latest addition to the blogroll, KankaSports, FireMarkMay.com got its 1000th visitor in just over its first month. Sure, it's no HitlerCats, but it's a start.

Now that the road trip is behind us, the posting should be more frequent. Trev has been taking amphetamines to get fired up for each World Cup match, so there's that too.

-IrishOutsider

2 comments

Updated: Monday, June 19, 2006

Pundit Yourself



Madlibs, is there anything they can't do?


Orson over at EDSBS has made it easy for you to make your very own preseason top 25. It's like analysis-by-numbers, I love it! This would have been perfect at ESPN, in fact, I think Ivan Maisel had you all beat by at few weeks.

Earlier, I wrote that any moron could top a ten. It's even easier than that now, thanks to this preseason ranking formula, and I've decided to take that one step further. Why stop at ranking the teams when you can write up the team synopses as by the numbers as well? I've devised the following do-it-yourself write-ups so you can analyze like the pros!

Every conference is different, so I've made a template for some of the BCS conferences:

SEC
Being in the nation's [toughest/hardest/strongest] conference is never easy, even for [coach] and [workhorse RB]. After a brutal non-conference schedule that includes [cardinal direction] [southern state] State, Univ. of [southern state] [non-urban city], and Troy, [team] faces [traditional rival] and [next closest team] in a pair of grudge matches that are sure to get the attention of the polls, and the computers, come mid-season. Could be this year's darkhorse.

PAC-10
With [touted QB] manning an offense that avg. [# over 300] passing yards/game, [team] is sure to make opposing teams stand up and notice. Their defense got hit hard last year, giving up almost [# over 30] points/game, but they are returning almost their entire [defensive unit] corps. [Coach] needs to worry about [date of USC game] at Southern Cal, but that other team from [state] will be sure to cause their fair share of problems as well.

Big Ten
The scheduling gods seem to have smiled on [team] and [coach] this year. They dodge both [MSU or Michigan] and [Penn St./Wisc.] while getting [Iowa /OSU] and [Minn./Northwestern] at home. 12-0 or 11-1 is a real possibility with a few good bounces. With [touted QB] posing a dual-threat for visiting defenses and an experienced line, [team name] Nation could be smelling roses.

Big 12
Drawing top HS talent from [state] is always easy for [coach], but will it be enough? Any stumbles early and [Texas/Nebraska] or [OU/Colorado] could be in the driver's seat for the division. However, if [team] can tough it out through the first few games, they'll only have the [rival] game to worry about on the road to the conference title game.

ACC
Is this [coach]'s last year in [town]? Expectations always run high at [not Duke], but failing to reach the BCS this year may be the last straw. The whole season could hinge on the [Miami/FSU] game, but [VTech/NC State] is always tough. I also think [Clemson/BC] could play the spoiler yet again this year. We'll see what [new offensive coordinator] has to say about that.

Between the top 25 math and these templates, punditry is a snap! The internet, eh? What a time to be alive.

Trev Alberts is a ex-ESPN pundit. He prefferred "101 Hamburger Jokes" to "Mad Libs".

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Outside the Lines: The new victims



In a special report for FireMarkMay.com, Outside the Lines brings to light the shocking truths of one of college football's most secret societies. Sources close to the investigation have told OTL that Michigan State mascot and icon, Sparty, is being accused of illegal steroid trafficking after federal agents raided his Scottsdale home earlier today. The raid was the latest in a string of incidents connecting steroids and the mascot community.


Sparty, long revered in mascot circles, is currently being held without bail.


Long spoken of in hushed tones, the hidden world of the mascot remain a mystery to most college football fans. While very visible on gamedays, the characters are shrouded in mystery for much of the year. Little is known about their customs and habits, but what is surfacing from the latest reports is a culture of illegal peromance-enhancing drugs that will most definitely mar the college football landscape as we know it.

Early this afternoon, US Marshals confiscated thirteen "kits" of growth hormone, an illegal substance known for its dramatic effect on overall strength and musculature. Symptoms of abuse include exaggerated facial features, violent mood swings, and a general swelling due to water rentention. While a blood test is being developed for detection in humans, growth hormone has long rumored to be the drug of choice among the mascot community due to the side effects being almost completely undetectable. The cheering masses of animals, warriors, and pieces of fruit apparently use up to 4 times the reccommended dosage in order to fire up their routines, and in turn, their adoring fans. A spirit fueled by ill-gotten gains, the integrity of the game now in jeopardy.

The raid on Sparty's offseason Arizona home has far-reaching implications, uncovering a client list that includes Willie Wildcat, Brutus Buckeye, and Reveille. While the first two have always been plagued by rumors due to their gigantism, a prime sypmtom of hormone abuse, the allegations now surrounding the prized collie have shocked even her closest friends. "I still can't believe it," replied Yell Leader Russ Tyler,"she's always such a good pup. We always thought she was fired up for Aggie football. Turns out, she was living a lie."

Despite record attendance and inspiring new routines, fans must now ask themselves if they are watching true spirit or a drug-fueled forgery. Clean crowd-rousers like Tyler now face a new challenge this season as a shadow of doubt hangs over college football fans everywhere. For those like Tyler, their jobs have become that much harder.

Bob Ley can be seen every Sunday morning on ESPN's Outside the Lines. Yeah, we're never up that early either.

(Photos courtesy of Golden Tornado .)

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Updated: Thursday, June 15, 2006

Mailbag



It sure is great to come home to a mailbox full of letters. The site's only been running for a few weeks, but it seems we have our fair share of admirers. On to my adoring fans:

Q: Trev, who is your favorite college mascot and why?
-Jake Buck, Lorain, OH

A: Without a doubt, Jake, my favorite mascot is the Big Red of Western Kentucky University. That guy is a loveable big red whatsit, and I just think he's the greatest. I'll take that muppet over Herbie Husker anyday just on sheer originality, and because I love muppets. He's not an ancient warrior, a wildcat, a tiger, or a bulldog, either, so points for that. Also, big points for the "big mascot belly" and "googly eyes," I'm easily amused.

Q: Why do you hate Mark May so much? A friend of mine said you walked out on ESPN and you were actually replaced by Lou Holtz.
-Mark Dugmore, Wood Dale, IL

A: I'm not allowed to make fun of Lou Holtz by my editor. He told me his "college football idols" are off limits. Considering only three of them are alive (Lou Holtz, Ara Parshegian, and the guy who played Dan Devine in "Rudy"), I figured I'd lay off the old-timer. I like having a website that works, and the kid works for free, so its a win-win.
As for Mr. May, I decided to rally behind a common enemy of the football world. Seems like he doesn't have too many fans at WVU and Notre Dame, not a bad start. Besides, he embodies that rare combination of knee-jerk reactionism, ESPN arrogance, and horrible facial hair. What's to like?

Q: Bruce Ciskie has his college blogger roundtable up, care to add your opinion?
-Jeff Cross, Savannah, GA

A:I'm not one for gimmick-writing, Jeff...Oh wait. Yeah, I looked it over, and I thought the questions were great. I still think its too early to be speculating and hypothesizing. Sure, it passes the time, but so does NCAA 2006. I'm sure we'll all be taking a break when 2007 comes out in a few weeks. In the meantime, there's always Hasselhoff on YouTube.

Q:What's an average day like at FireMarkMay.com?
-Taylor Bashline, Springfield, NJ?

A:Well, mostly we just sit around and do a shot of Jager everytime the site gets a visitor. That day the Pitt and WVU fans found us really hurt, but we're still here, and even though the walls have a few more holes, we managed to keep most of our security deposit. If the site ever takes off, I'm thinking daily AA meetings. The rest of the time I basically sit around goofing off on various blogs while people yell at me to write new copy. Tommorrow is hawaiian shirt day, however, so yeah, there's that too.

That's it for now, but feel free to mail the kid with your questions. New letters would give us a nice distraction from our EA 2006 WAC dynasty.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He is looking for freedom.

0 comments

Updated: Tuesday, June 13, 2006

WHAT IS THIS?!?



ROAD TRIPS? HOMELESS CROSS-DRESSERS? DISNEY WORLD? TREV, MAN, WHOA. FOR REALS, YOU NEED TO DIAL IT DOWN A BIT. CALM DOWN AND TAKE A DEEP BREATH. RELAX. GET YOUR BEHIND BACK HOME AND YOUR HEAD IN THE GAME. YOU'RE NOT SCORING MANY POINTS WITH BRISTOL WITH YOUR LATEST ESCAPADES. CHILL OUT!

LET'S SLOW IT DOWN FOR A SECOND AND GET BACK TO THE REAL WORLD. TONIGHT IS HEAT-MAVS GAME 3 IN MIAMI, AND AT THE HALF, IT LOOKS TO BE A CLOSE ONE. I DON'T PICK WINNERS BASED ON HAIRSTLYES LIKE YOU DO, BUT I DON'T THINK THIS WILL BE ALL DALLAS DOMINATION LIKE EVERYONE IS SCREAMING THESE DAYS. I LIKE THEM IN 6, BUT MY MAN D-WADE HAS A FEW WORDS BEFORE THIS IS OVER. THE MAVS PLAY KEITH VAN HORN FOR CRYING OUT LOUD. KEITH VAN HORN!

OK, TREV, I HAVE TO GET BACK TO WATCHING THIS GAME. ITS A NICE QUIET NIGHT AT THE SMITH HOUSE. IVE GOT A FEW CANDLES BURNING, AND THE LADY AND I ARE GOING TO DO SOME RELAXING YOGA AT THE HALF. THROW IN A SOOTHING BATH AND A GOOD BOOK AFTER THE GAME, AND I AM SET. DID YOU GET THOSE MEDITATION BOOKS I SENT YOU? I'LL STOP BY WITH MORE THE NEXT TIME I'M IN TOWN. I'VE GOT A NEW HANDSHAKE FOR YOU TOO. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU LIKE THEM.

Stephen A. Smith can be seen sporadically on Quite Frankly with Stephen A. Smith. Women's softball gets higher ratings.

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Por favor montegan se allejandros de las puertas



Salutations and welcome to sunny Florida, fellow travelers. I'll be your host during your stay at Walt Disney World. Since disappearing from the Big Show some time ago, I've been shipped down here by the corporate honchos to perform a variety of tasks and services. These mountain-themed amsuement devices don't operate themselves you know. In addition to this, I'm also performing as Big Al's understudy in The Country Bear Jamboree and standing in for William Henry Harrison in the Hall of Presidents. Given my above-average stature, I was originally approached to dress as Brer Bear or Tigger, but considering the park's strict "silent character" policy, I withdrew my name. Being unable to amuse the children with my archaic wit would be an injustice.


Craig Kilborn and I engaging in horseplay.


Why don't you meet me over at Epcot's World Showcase? We could embark on a whirlwind tour of sanitized stereotypes while we sample the imported beers of many lands. I'm not a big drinker myself, but if it gets me a few visitors in this tourist trap then all the better. Maybe when the higher-ups find a place for me up in the senior leagues I can head back up north for some old-fashioned highlight-spinning. Do they need anyone who can smarm up a good game reel?

You all might want to head out of here, though. The last guy I took on Test Track got into a bit of legal trouble, and I think there's been enough of that for one road trip.

Kenny Mayne is legally employed by ESPN. He advises you to keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle and be sure to hang on to them hats and glasses.

1 comments

Updated: Monday, June 12, 2006

Trev-Life: Austin



Ok. As we finally get back on the road to Orlando, irish, grab the wheel for me here...Perfect. Remember to clutch first. Where are we? Got it.

Ahoy, Trev-fans! My trusty sidekick and I are back on track to Florida after a few brief stops over the weekend. I'm sure our fellow Greyhound passengers didn't mind me stopping at every Waffle House along Interstate 10 en route from Austin, TX, and our editor wanted a quick stop-over in Atlanta to check out In Dodd We Trust. I swear, the kid gets all crazy when someone links us. Amateur. We'd have been in Florida hours ago if it wasn't for him and Trev Rule #4: Leave no Waffle behind. Delicious.

Austin, TX: This place is a college fan's dream come true! The UT campus is a stone's throw from the heart of downtown Austin, and that heart is full of taverns, pubs, and bars, a cornucopia of boozing adventure. A simple walk down 6th St. was all anyone needed to appease any tastes. There were rock bars, blues bars, wine bars, beer bars, country saloons, Irish pubs, and pool halls all ripe for the conquering, brimming with talent and beers the size of my head!


Austin, #1 in Trev's liver.


From a rooftop patio, the kid and I surveyed the action. It was Republic of Texas Biker Rally Weekend, so the streets were closed, yet full of real blue-collar, red-state Austiners. Austinites? Austonians? Locals. While several of the local community colleges finest ladies were manning beer tubs and $2 jello shot platters, the strains of Journey, Bon Jovi, and Def Leppard could be heard from no less than 3 different establishments. Irish was fond of the Shiner Bock, the local specialty, while I made sure that my specialty, anything with Jagermeister, was being crammed down the gullets of ever living person within a 2 Trev shooting radius. Bar patrons, shot girls, passing missionaries, all were enjoying blood-red alcoholic goodness on ESPN's dime! (You know how Initec kept paying Milton? Its kind of like that. -IrishOutsider)

With friends and well-wishers representing a multitude of nationalities, I realized I had a makeshift drunken army! We rambled from bar to bar, claiming each new location as we shotgunned beers, toasted, and reveled long into the Texas night. After our fifth bar, I eventually got the idea to visit UT. Considering I was leading the charge with no pants and a necktie-bandanna at this point, none of my drunken warriors followed me into the street. Oh well, at least there were two pizza stands outside.

The pizza places were quite popular at 2 am, a good crowd had formed in front of the various counters, a captive audience. Apparently, trying to get drunk coeds to scream campfire songs is frowned upon in Austin. Believe it or not, not everyone in Austin knew the proper response to "The stars at night are big and bright...", damn you Pee Wee Herman! While loudly and festively searching for my pants, I run into the kid seated on the curb, pizza in hand, and a few police officers finally run me down. As they tackle me, I give my clueless editor power of attorney. When he begins to scream obscenities at me for my folly, he is taken in as well...

So there's the Trev side of the story. It may not have tact or grace, but its gritty, real, and full of intrigue. Intrigue and Jager. Good times.

*Transmission ended at 9:03pm*

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN analyst. He is still hungover despite 7 trips to Waffle House.

0 comments

Updated: Friday, June 09, 2006

A Grey Escape

All hope seemed to be lost. Trapped inside this holding cell for at least two days, accompanied by various Austin homeless types, drunken revelers, and cross-dressing politicos, Mr. Alberts and I appeared to be headed for a longer stay. We have been unable to make bail since Trev used our one phone call to wager the majority of our petty cash on last night's Mavericks-Heat showdown. For those of you who are unfamiliar with his betting style, when Trev is wagering he likes to use his own “analysis.” This includes such gems as “which mascot would win in a fight,” “coolest uniforms,” and “coach with slickest haircut.” I won't go into his other “Trev-factors” at this time, those are proprietary information, but taking the Heat straight-up seemed like a good idea when surrounded by a horde of angry-drunk Rockets fans at 2 am.

Just one of our many problems in Austin.

So there we were, backed into a corner by Mr. Alberts' faith in Pat Riley's hairstyle and likely stuck in a Texas jail cell awaiting our arraignment, when I finally got another wireless signal from a nearby Whataburger. It lasted just long enough to show Trev these two articles discussing the Huskers' recent downturn. Enraged by the bloggers' disrespect for Nebraska and his drinking buddy, Mr. Solich, Trev became enraged. He was like Lattimer from “The Program,” but with less crying. He proceeded to beat the living snot out of any Longhorn fan within clobbering distance.

When the guards came in to break up the fight, he went Jack Bauer on them! It could only be described as jaw-dropping. There he was, Trev Alberts, backhanding one of Austin's finest, stealing his sidearm, and pistol-whipping his partner. In a matter of seconds, we had a clear escape. Trev screamed, “Anyone else want a piece of Trev?!? COME ON! MAN UP!” The rest of the vagrants cowered in fear as he grabbed the Mobile 1, with me still attached, and headed out the door.

Once outside, Trev hijacked a nearby Greyhound bus. I guess ESPN has power to commandeer in Texas, the bus driver yielded control after being flashed Trev's old security badge. To keep up the charade, we convinced the passengers that Trev needed to get to Orlando ASAP as he was late for this year's ESPN:The Weekend. This was unnecessary as the bus was, coincidentally, already headed for Orlando, and most sports fans know that ESPN: The Weekend was in March.

So Mr. Alberts and I head east to Florida. I marvel at his ability to escape a Texas jail cell and his ability to drive a 20-year-old Greyhound bus. He's telling me to pay attention to the road, check to see if we have any tails, and to take a memo. I'm guessing he wants to get the legal parts of the Austin trip down on paper.

More to come.

*Transmission ended 10:10am*

-irishoutsider

1 comments

Updated: Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Keeping Austin Weird

The Trev Mobile 1 was able to catch a flight from Omaha to Austin, TX, home of the National Champions, the Texas Longhorns. Mr. Alberts covered the town in great detail with me at his side. Given the large number of bars, clubs, and late night drug stores, we were able to get to "coverage" Trev had in mind. In other words, it was an all-night bender. More from the boss man is on its way, but the Mobile 1 only has a 14.4 kbps modem. As soon as we can get some photos online, we'll post the full report.

Meanwhile, we're kind of detained here with Austin's finest. Trev used our one phone call to call his bookie, but I was able to get a wireless signal from a nearby fast-food restaurant, so we're able to get some work done on this leg of the journey. The accommodations here are very nice, however, I was able to get a nice homeless man to take the burden of the Trev Mobile 1 and give my back a rest.

-irishoutsider

1 comments

Updated: Saturday, June 03, 2006

On the Road


It takes a certain kind of man to travel the open road and tell the tales that need to be told. I, Trev Alberts am that man. We're taking the show on the road here, just like the old days! Its just me this time, and no, they never did let me go with Corso and Kirk on location, but that's just because I wasn't allowed to leave the state without my P.O. That is neither here nor there. That is all in the past. We must look to the future now. Onward!

Here's the rundown:
-I'm currently stationed at Omaha's Eppley Airfield Airport.
-From there, I will fly standby to whichever location has available seating and cocktail service.
-Once I arrive at my destination, I will take in the local sights and sounds of the local football scene.
-When faced with boredom, lack of funding, or court order, we head to a new random spot!

Its going to be non-stop adventure, excitement, and $7 airport bar you-call-its. Thanks to the wonders of modern computers, I'll be able to keep you all up-to-date, effortlessly, with the newly-designed Trev Mobile 1 (patent pending)I'll pass you over to my trusty lackey, the kid, to show you what we've got under the hood. Irish?


One of our trusty interns models the Trev Mobile 1 Omni-Helmet.


Alright, sir. The Trev Mobile 1 is designed to keep the end-user, Mr. Alberts, completely in a state of "hands-free reporting splendor." It is a fully-functional audio and video recording center, complete with dicthophone, tape-recorder, digital camera, steady-cam, and satellite uplink. All of the components are rigged for easy access via the Trev Mobile 1's patented Omni-Helmet, rigging the various devices to the user via an elaborate system of duct-tape and exposed copper wiring. The entire system is run by Mr. Alberts old 88mhzPowerMac. It is all powered by 15 industrial lithium-ion batteries soldered onto a varsity-issue snare drum harness. Finally, wireless capabilities are added through a fully functional USSB 12" Satellite dish, allowing for streaming access to the internet, FireMarkMayHQ, and despicable Tijuana puppy snuff films. It is a bitch to lug the extra 40 lbs. around. I could have just brought my laptop, its more than capable to capture the ramblings of this...

Thanks, irish. He's a trooper, our editor, but the only way I could get him flying on the cheap was to stretch the truth with the airlines. We'll just be referring to him as "special" while we're in the air. OK! So we're being asked to leave the lounge...rock and roll. Come on, kid, let's see how many Whiskey Starbucks we can make with those traveler's flasks.

*Transmission ended at 11:36am*

Trev Alberts is a former College Gameday desk jockey. He flies with a binky.

3 comments

Updated: Friday, June 02, 2006

East Coast Bias

Landon Donovan, Claudio Reyna, DaMarcus Beasley, Eddie Johnson, and Brian McBride. Take that, Rome.


Electronic fist-bumps to our visitors from the Mountain State.


Looks like the site has caught the attention of a few people out east, making its first public appearances on the Scout boards for West Virginia and Pitt along with a mention over at CollegeFootballResource.

Johnny over at MountainLair gave us a link and the task to "assassinate" Mr. May's character. All in due time, guys, all in due time. Good to see Mr. Alberts is getting the respect he believes he's earned, and good to see I've head-faked a couple of people regarding our columnists' "authenticity." Its linked on the sidebar for now, a "placeholder" for a future blogroll.

Enough finger quotes for one post, but while I'm up here recognizing West Virginia I feel obligated to show my gratitude. Not to rub salt in any wounds, WVU, but thanks again for the 1989 Fiesta Bowl, kind of a big deal for me. Ok, enough of that. Always glad to swap links with college football bloggers. Feel free to contact me here.

Alright, time to head on out. I think there's a road trip on the schedule, Trev just ran off to the Food King.

-irishoutsider

5 comments

Updated: Thursday, June 01, 2006

Banging the Blog



Now that the site geek is out of the way, allow me to step in and say my piece. You left the blog wide open for this, irish, you have only yourself to blame. NOW, back to me. It may be a slow news day to you amateurs, but I. Am. Burning.


Not too much you can add to random links. Here's another one of me.
Good shot.

  • World Cup madness is poised to take over the globe in just a few days. We got, what, 4 ads a day on the deuce? Tighten it up, ESPN! Soccer is way more interesting than half the crap we show over there. SOCCER. NOW.
  • However, stop saying the future is here for soccer. I give a damn and I can't name 5 U.S. players. Can anyone name all the MLS teams? I thought not.
  • Roger Clemens. He's making a pile of cash to chuck it for the Astros. Good for him. Good for Houston. Get over it. Cards, Mets, D-Backs, Dodgers. Sox, Yanks, or Sox cream any of them in 5. NEXT.
  • This MLB season is ridiculous good. The Tigers are in first place! The freaking Tigers? This is like some kids movie right? Do they have a dog playing 1st base? Jim Leyland getting in touch with baseball ghosts and a junior-high kid at closer! No? Talk to me in a month.
  • I think the Tigers are trying to lose first place on the same day the Pistons are kicked out of the East. Good times.
  • Where do I sign up to see David Stern give the trophy to Mark Cuban?
  • Brent Musberger loves him some Hamm's.
  • Last stop is a big shout to YouTube.com. Where else could I link to crazy business like this, this, and this?. As if we didn't waste enough time at work. Gold.
That's all I've got for now. Respect for my clones out there.

Oh, and kid? Any time you want the big dog to walk the yard for you, you got the number.

Rack me.

Jim Rome can be seen weekdays at 4:30pm on ESPN's Rome is Burning. His hair is waterproof.

4 comments

May Rundown

While the site's only been up for a few weeks, I figured I'd set up a quick digest of the early highlights so they don't get lost in the shuffle.

Posting may slow down for the next few days as Trev hits the road. I don't really know what to expect. The man is an enigma. I'm sure we'll hear from Bristol sooner or later, but lazy summer days are slowing the news to a trickle. I could probably get Stephen A. Smith in here to yell at us about the NBA, he's got nothing better to do, but I'd rather not learn another 16-step handshake.

-irishoutsider

4 comments