Week 5 Rundown: Florida causes Scurvy

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Kids, I just want to start off by saying that staying hydrated is important in life. At all times, be sure to take in adequate non-alcoholic liquids to make it through the day. Also, don't forget limes. Limes are a great source of vitamin C and prevent scurvy. So, the next time you plan on a weekend long bender, keep these tips in mind. Failure to stay adequately hydrated can cause tremendous lapses in college football judgment. Prepare for a scoreboard flyover.

Week 6 Results:
Against the Spread: 8-13
Straight Up: 11-10

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 41-52-1
Straight Up: 67-27

Ugh...I need lozenge, or some insulin, or some caffeine, or a nice long nap. Brutal. Let's get this over with so we can talk about more entertaining things, like kittens.

South Florida 21-West Virginia 13
When USF hits you, they want hurt you as much as possible, and they mean that in the most respectful way. Pat White got hung out to dry by his own knifewrench system, effectively taken out of the game by the Bulls' swarming defense long before they broke him in half. Big time win for USF. 10 years since they even assembled for an initial practice, South Florida is in the top 10. America, Fuck Yeah!

Louisiana State 34-Tulane 9
I knew LSU was going to run the JV Chainsaw squad this game, but I could have sworn it could have hung 50 on Tulane. Go Green Wave!

Virginia Tech 17-North Carolina 10
The Hokie offense covers in the clutch, I tell you what. A good heaping dose of nothing is enough to get the job done.

Illinois 27-Penn State 20
Fighting, and sometimes striving, wondering what [redacted] is. Excellence, and what is valor?, and JoePar hits something with a golf cart....I-L-L. I-N-What? [Fighting Redacted] for teh winz.

South Carolina 38-Mississippi State 21
The OBC survives his Sly Week and avoids the post Chainsaw letdown.

Georgia 45-Ole Miss 17
The Orgeron, however, does not survive his letdown, proceeding to get pasted by UGA. Great, I still have no idea what to think of the Dawgs. You could have at least kept it close Ole Miss.

Colorado 27-Oklahoma 24
(obvious meme warning) ITS DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL! ITS THE BIG TWELVE BROTHER! GO PLAY INTERMURALS OKLAHOMA! GO PLAY INTERMURALS! I already feel a deep sense of fear for the next team to play OU. Fair play to crazy Colorado.

Nebraska 35-Iowa State 17
That's more like it, Callahan, but I spare you not.

Cal 31-Oregon 24
Wow, who'd have thunk it would have required more than flashy jerseys, a crazy field, and even crazier fans to take down the Bears. Are they for real? Cal is currently real by default, and that and a buck o five will get you a cup of coffee. Still, I don't mean to take anything away from Cal. This was a marquee win in every sense of the word, and hopefully the Ducks will move on to take their place in the PAC-10 Wheel of Death.

Georgia Tech 13-Clemson 3
Clemson apparently ran back in time so much that they started to suck again. You there, man on the street, what day is it? WHAT YEAR IS IT?!?!

Maryland 34-Rutgers 24
A byproduct of Clemson's ACC time travel, Rutgers apparently gets beaten down by Early 2000 Maryland. Is the Fridge 100 pounds heavier now? Or is it lighter? I always forget.

Kansas State 41-Texas 21
Texas, you are so freaking cut. You now have no resume. No good wins, in fact some embarrassing ones if that's possible, and now this freaking blowout of a loss. You lose all 2006 immunity in my poll.

Wisconsin 37-Michigan State 34
Good for Wisconsin, and I'll even go so far as say good on Michigan State. It's the bizarro Big Ten ladies and gentlemen. Penn State and Michigan are down, while these guys and the redacteds are up. Ohio State is even steven, and its not surprising anyone. I want to say the whole conference is up for grabs, and my moneys on the traditional split title.

Hawaii 48-Idaho 20
No real surprises, nothing of note. Hawaii gets a lot of offense. Idaho does not.

Florida State 24-Alabama 17
My only impression of this game is that neither team looked like it wanted to win. The entire staff was sunstroked and scruvy stricken while catching it on the tailgate rig.

Southern Cal 24-Washington 17
This game involved flubber, that's all I'm going to say. I think Jake Locker used a ladder on one play too. Calm down everyone.

Auburn 20-Florida17
War goddam Eagle comes into the Swamp and beats one out of the Gators. Exposing the champs' weaknesses, and playing good enough to win. Way to put a body on Tebow. Wait, you mean when they line up in the House, 15 is running it? Brilliant!

Ohio State 30-Minnesota 7
Stupid hook....

Arizona State 41-Stanford 3
Stanford bows to ASU, and I have no read on the Sun Devils. Just like UGA and Cal, the second I bank on them is the second they break my heart.

Cincinnati 52-San Diego State 23
Umm....go Bearcats?

Purdue 33-Notre Dame 19
Notre Dame, you need to crawl before you can walk, and beating the spread is a good start. Now, just cut down on the deep turnovers and work on the short yardage situations, and you just might beat Navy. The schedule just forecasts more pain, so I'm going ahead and doubling our liquor budget to keep us stocked through the rest of the season. Its the only way.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He is immune to scurvy

Lost, but still, we ride

A little more than 24 hours ago, this plan was only that, a plan.

Now? Well, now we have ourselves a crazy scheme that could only come from the mind of the Trev.

West Virginia at South Florida
Auburn at Florida

Two games, two days, lots of Florida.

Riding, and riding,
We search across the land.
The snow, and wind,
Has frozen hearts of man,

But we ride,
We ride.

Many days ago,
We left our home,
With swords we ride into the night.

Fighting side by side,
To destroy our foes
And beat them with our life.

We stop, consider,
The land that we travel.
Our maps, at home,
Direction, unraveled,

But we ride,
We ride.


Don't burn the compound to the ground. I'll be back to see how many games were wronged by Trev on Sunday.

-irishoutsider

Week 5: High-Speed Chaos

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Ok, here's the deal, there's a super-awesome Trev plan in the works, and that gets an entire post of its own. So there, let us burn through this impressive display of predicticating prowess. Scoreboard, ho!

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 33-39-1
Straight Up: 56-17

South Florida (+7) over West Virginia (9/28 800et ESPN)
The biggest game in the history of anything in the home of a couple of Super Bowls and the Tampa Bay Devil Rays. Maybe there was a Stanley Cup in there to, and I think that's just super. USF has enough defense to keep this game close, and with a whole town, er city, or is it a commonwealth? behind them, they just might get it done.
Trev's pick: South Florida

Louisiana State (-40.5) over Tulane (1200et)
Chainsaw by 41 over Tulane. I can't think of a better way to honor New Orleans.
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

North Carolina (+18) over Virginia Tech (1200et)
Virginia Tech still doesn't have any real semblance of an offense, and North Carolina, while horrible, has to be at least as good as East Carolina. Right?
Trev's pick: North Carolina to cover, Virginia Tech to win

Illinois (+3) over Penn State (1200et)
Wait, WHAT? What could he possibly thinking?!?!? Taking [fighting redacted] over Penn State? There can't be any reason to take Illinois. The line is just sooooo low. Exactly. Believe in the [redacted]....all the freaking way.
Trev's pick: Illinois

South Carolina (-13.5) over Mississippi State (1230et)
Take the team that held the chainsaw under 30 points over the team that could throw 7 interceptions in the first half.
Trev's pick: South Carolina

Ole Miss (+15) over Gerogia (100et)
I'm going to back the Orgeron all the way. Of course, he's going to get another good shot at pulling an upset. Georgia, Alabama heroics aside, is in for some Rebel beatdown. DaCoachO nevah loses. He just runnattatime.
Trev's pick: Ole Miss

Oklahoma (-22.5) over Colorado (130et)
One of these teams plays DIVISION ONE FOOTBALL, one just kind of yells about it.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Iowa State (-21) over Nebraska (205et)
That's right, Callahan! You can't even cover against Iowa State. This is where its come too. If I wasn't so preoccupied with other things, I would give you the what-for! But, I'm still pulling for my boys, so I'll split the pick.
Trev's pick: Iowa State to cover, Nebraska to win

Oregon (-6) over California (330et)
The PAC-10 clash of the not-Trojans, and I'm taking the home field. This game will nto be settled by a field goal, or two field goals, but passing yardage....lots of it.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Clemson (-3) over Georgia Tech (330et)
Clemson will run back in time, and knock Georgia Tech out of the ACC. Altering college football history in a small section of Atlanta for all eternity.
Trev's pick: Clemson

Rutgers (-16.5) over Maryland (330et)
I'm still on the fence on this whole Rutgers is Really Good business. Sure, I'm picking them to win. Sure, I'm ranking them pretty high....but I'm just not feeling it. They kicked some Big East butt last year, mainly the Louisville Armtacklers. Eh, whatever. Maryland is still Maryland.
Trev's pick: Rutgers

Texas (-14.5) over Kansas State (330et)
Texas is back, and ready for revenge! Revenge against the point spread.
Trev's pick: Texas

Wisconsin (-7.5) over Michigan State (330et)
I would rather root for Wisconsin as the scrappy darkhorse than Michigan State. That's just me. Michigan State is much more fun when they implode.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Hawaii (-25) over Idaho (330et)
Hawaii cannot afford a Milton Berle.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Alabama (+2.5) over Florida State (500et)
I called it before, and I'm still calling it now. Something something something Dark Side. Something something something something Complete.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Southern Cal (-20.5) over Washington (800et)
Just checking, there's a decimal point in that, but I'd take -205 if I got the right odds.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Florida (-18) over Auburn (800et)
Tebow, he's like a really really good Matt Grothe.
Trev's pick: Florida

Ohio State (-23.5) over Minnesota (800et)
Minnesota < Northwestern
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Stanford (+14) over Arizona State (1000et)
Stanford bows to no man!
Trev's pick: Stanford

Cincinnati (-14) over Sand Diego State (1000et)
Almost last but not least, the Bearcats keep doing whatever it is they're doing. Don't stop believing.
Trev's pick: Cincinnati

Notre Dame (+22) over Purdue (1200et)
Ok, this is just getting out of freaking hand. 22 points? 22 points?!? Really? REALLY!?! Well, I guess we're riding this one to hell. The kid holds out hope for a Purdue team forgetting to run the ball. We're pretty sure the Irish can't stop the run, but we don't know about the pass so much. Why? Because everyone keeps running! I'm still hoping I get to watch the kid slowly go insane...for real this time.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He is not a speed reader.

The Most Brutal Post Ever

The A/V equipment is back up and running, but we're too distracted by Halo and Dethklok to cover anything. Our bad. Last weekend recap and Trevonics to come.



-irishotusider

Week 5 Blogpoll: Revenge of the Trev

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The kid is once again insane, and our media facilities are tied up for the time being, so the Trev is completely in charge, as willed by the Trev! While depression, whiskey, Halo, and technical difficulties rule the day, I've decided to take a no holds barred approach with the blogpoll. We've seen a good portion of the season, so its not unreasonable to see some big old swings in the polls. It's still not perfect, but as long as its got LSU and USC at the top, it will probably be right at the end anyway, right? Shake it up.

1. LSU
2. Southern Cal
   
3. Oklahoma
   
4. West Virginia
5. Florida
   
6. Texas
7. Clemson
   
8. Ohio State
   
9. Oregon
   
10. California
    
11. Penn State
12. Wisconsin
    
13. South Florida
    
14. Kentucky
    
15. Rutgers
16. South Carolina
    
17. Virginia Tech
    
18. Boston College
19. Georgia
    
20. Hawaii
21. Alabama
    
22. Missouri
    
23. Arizona State
24. Nebraska
25. Cincinnati
    

The breakdown:

The top 5: LSU, USC, Oklahoma, WfnVU, Florida-
This shakeup begins right at the top. I can stand it no more! Chainsaw, get your ass to the top of the list. At the moment, they are flashing the talent, have a better resume, and the style points for that fake field goal are off the charts. Southern Cal could not win in Death Valley if they played tomorrow, hence, upheaval! OU is team 1C at the moment, and Florida could have jumped the Mountaineers if they could just shut down the Orgeron a little more.

The next 5: Texas, Clemson, Ohio State, Oregon, Cal-
Texas, still probably too high, staves off the inevitable with a return to beatdown normality. Thanks, Rice, you let them work the suck out. Clemson gets booted so far up here because....because.....because they are so damn fast! I think they give Ohio State a game, and Oregon/Cal have yet to assuage em of my crumpling fears for them. Cool uniforms prop most of these teams up more than anything.

The middle 10: Penn State, Wisconsin, USF, Kentucky, Rutgers, South Carolina, Virginia Tech, Boston College, Georgia, Hawaii -
OSU>Penn State>Wisconsin now that I've taken a good long look at Wisconsin's offense against Iowa. I still think the home field edges will be the difference in the Big Ten race. The next group is full of wonderment, as I'll buy in to the USF and Kentucky Cinderella business as long as they remain interesting to watch, and don't play anyone. Right now, I'd take them over any team ranked below them, just because they are on their games at the moment. Let's see if they can ride it out. VTech stays up on reputation, as does Rutgers. Boston College remains at arm's length while I check them for forreallness. Georgia should be getting more credit right now....but I'm not feeling that generous. They'll have plenty of opportunity to move up. Hawaii, keep on chuckin'.

The last 5: Alabama, Missouri, Arizona State, Nebraska, Cincinnati-
Finally, I'm punishing my 'Huskers for that Cardinal-esque display of defense against Ball State. How can I put you over anyone with defense like that? You're THIS close to getting Louisville'd right off this blogpoll. Cincy, mad props for your 4-0 start. Not so much, ASU, as we all know you'll break my heart. Alabama over Missouri because they don't play the games on Xbox.

The mysterious remains:
Purdue, Miami (FL), Michigan State-
It goes to show, you go 4-0 in the midwest, with ND on your schedule, and you get also receiving votes. Sparty and the Boilers keep people believing, and good for them. Either one is primed for middle ten territory as soon as they beat someone, extra points for on the road. Miami of Florida shows it can beat Texas A&M, a classic example of a game whose merit will not be established until later in the season.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He once ate the silver filings in his Etch-a-Sketch.

Week 4 Rundown: Pucker!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Yet another week rolls by with my Trevness being pushed to the brink by the wily lines of those scheming, filthy Germans. I am in the torment, as they would say. Meanwhile, I can still pick that straight up business with the best of them, which is probably more than any of those hacks at my former employer could say. Let's get this blasted scoreboard out

Week 4 Results:
Against the Spread: 8-10
Straight Up: 14-4

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 33-39-1
Straight Up: 56-17

I can only hang my awesome hat on the righteous hat post of the straight up. No worries, though. One day, my entire ensemble of awesome will rest comfortably on the mantle of domination.

Oklahoma 62-Tulsa 21
OU would like that ball very much please, thank you, Tulsa. The Tulsa Powdered Toast offense fizzles in the second half, and the Sooners roll.

West Virginia 48-East Carolina 7
Yarr.

Syracuse 38-Louisville 35
They all mocked me! Behold the wonderment of the Trev as I melt your minds with my prognosticating mind bullets! Would you look at that! Louisville can't defend anyone, and they certainly can't tackle. Syracuse gets one of them defining wins, defining that they don't completely suck, defining that Louisville just might not be any good at all, and defining that the Big East champion has no shot at the title. None. Sorry WVU, but I'm taking a 12-1 SEC team over you, almost unanimously, and blind. It could be Kentucky for all I care.

Clemson 42-NC State 20
CJ Spiller runs back in time to reinvent the wheel and build the Eiffel Tower out of metal and brawn. Meanwhile, he also signs the Declaration of Independence and convinces the Continental Congress to dissolve North Carolina. So, yeah that hurts too.

South Florida 37 - North Carolina 10
USF. Still pretty good. Matt Grothe puts up 17-30 for 240 and that's more than enough to put the Tarheels away.

Nebraska 41-Ball St. 40
Oh for crying out loud, Callahan. Yeah, I'm happy for the win and all, but looking at this as sloppy as hell in all aspects. You damn near gave me like 14 heart attacks with that performance. I know, I know, you're not playing the snaps, but you're sure as hell responsible for that pointshaving piece of.....oh......you son of a bitch.......

Florida 30-Ole Miss 24
Oh my. Way to go, Coach O! The Rebels scratch and claw their way back to respectable, but still manage to fail to pull off the upset. Dem Rebah, dey gettin' bettah an bettah!

Boston College 37-Army 17
Of course, Boston College hates America, but couldn't they have been nice enough to follow through and run up the score? It would have really been appreciated. Way to half-ass the communism, guys.

Louisiana State 28-South Carolina 16
This recap begins and ends with that silly fake FG business. Did you see that? They flipped the bitch! It was effortless, it was phenomenal, and it was clean as hell, son! Right there, right now, are your LSU Tigers ladies and gentlemen. That's about it in a nutshell. They will do whatever they hell they please, whenever they please. Wh

Michigan 14-Penn State 9
For those keeping score at home, the updated transitive herpes list: Michigan, Notre Dame, Penn State, FIU, Buffalo, and Temple. Prepare for exponential contagion, but I'm not too wary of anyone outside of the Big Ten spreading it around right now. Back to the game, a typical Big Ten slugfest as Mike Hart carries probably 95% of the Michigan total offense. I backed the wrong old guy apparently, and down goes the zombie.

Ohio State 58-Northwestern 7
The Wildcats get thoroughly roughed up at the Horseshoe, and now they get to come home to...Michigan?!? Oh, you poor bastards. Warm up the ironic marching band music! I'm thinking They Might Be Giants. Particle Man.....lots of it.

Kentucky 42-Arkansas 29
Wildcatz 4 teh winz?!? I'm not even mad. This is great, just so unexpected. I mean, we all saw the offense, but that was like, you know, against fake teams? Now, we've got Kentucky sitting at 4-0 and might actually, dare I say it, make some more SEC waves before they're done? I'm not going all out to say they're the real deal, but I'm totally upgrading them to heavy spoiler.

California 45-Arizona 27
Thanks, guys. Just go right ahead and squeak by....any time now...No....NOT THE SPREAD. Way to score just enough to kick my ass while still making me doubt you. Ugh....I don't want to talk about it.....

Texas 55-Rice 7
Oh, NOW you decide to show up Texas. Great. That's wonderful for you. Really, I'm thrilled. I take the loss this week, but at least we get to see that you actually have this kind of football in you. Now, continue to tease everyone for two more weeks while I get ready to bet the family farm on Oklahoma.

Georgia 26-Alabama 23
Richt bullseyes a womprat in Tuscaloosa, and they can't be more than 2 meters wide. A nice dagger straight to the Dark Lord. There are no oil paintings in Alabama tonight. Nick Saban does not have time for oil paintings. Also, why does his press conference look like it was filmed in that creepy LOST laboratory? I was so waiting for the camera to pan over to random eyepatch guy.

Wisconsin 17-Iowa 13
Good on Iowa for making this a game, but bad on me for not taking the points in a rivalry. I totally forgot there was some kind of random trophy at stake. What the hell was that? The freaking Heartland Trophy? Now we're just making this shit up. Next year, participation ribbons for everyone!

Southern Cal 47-Washington State 17
No Uncle Milty here. Just pure, unadulterated Trojan beatdowns as Pete Carroll servants steamroll his throne over yet another PAC-10 also-ran.

Oregon 55-Stanford 31
After quite the long day filled with upsets and overtimes, just a few scant minutes after 'Bama goes down, I get to see this game come across the tape and scare the ever living crap out of me. Ducks fans, I know you all went on to walk away with this, but you have to feel a bit scared....just a bit....for two reasons. 1. Y'all gave up 31 points. 2. It was to Jim Harbaugh's Stanford. I would be at least a bit nervous that next week's game with Cal will be a shoot out. Pack your bandoleers.

Michigan State 31-Notre Dame 14
The kid's laughter can only be described as maniacal these days. He has jumped off the deep end further than last year's Michigan blowout. Of course, two more Michigan style blowouts have certainly helped. He's certifiable! It's freaking great! We're going to burn this site to the freaking ground! WOOO! 0-4 for the first time in..ever!?! I already have plenty of incriminating pictures from this week, but that is for another post altogether. Meanwhile, here's a big internet high-five to the Fighting Irish! You guys looked like a football team for the first time all year! It was a shitty football team, but a team nonetheless. Mozzle.

Trev Alberts is a CSTV football analyst. He can make plays.

Breaking News: Blame chart made public

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

This is a Muppet News Flash! Hot on the heels of Notre Dame falling to 0-4 for the first time in the school's history, officials have decided to finally release the long rumored Hierarchy of Blame blaming chart for Fighting Irish fans. By simply following this handy chart, fans will be able to properly direct their anger in proper, university approved, scapegoats, while observing their relative importances and overall culpability.

The chart begins at the top with his Holiness, Colonel Sanders, and Regis Philbin, as established originally by Vatican II. The following tier includes the Worldwide Leader, Colonel Mustard, Monk Malloy, and former QB Demetrius Jones. Following that tier is the tertiary level, including Phil Collins, transvestite street performers, Illinois Nazis, and Al Swearengen. Finally, once all options are exhausted, including related scapegoats implied by chart members, former head coach Lionel Tyrone Willingham.



This has been a Muppet News Flash.


Muppet Newscaster is FireMarkMay's official newscaster. He is not university approved.

Week 4 Trevonics: MAKE PLAYS

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Ah, what a scrumtrillescent course of meaty match ups for this week. Fare thee well, Central Michigan. Later, Buffalo Buffalo. It's conference play, and now the mid-major ne'er do wells take a sidestep to the majorly mediocre. Gone are the scapegoats of early season cupcakery, and entering are the Sly Weeks, the Northwesterns, Dukes, Stanfords, and Baylors et al. This is just the week to convince me that I know what I'm talking about even more than I already do! I predict total domination, just the week I need to claw back to the top of both the prognosticating world and the FireMarkMay Pick Them. Bring in that scoreboard while I shamelessly plug.

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 25-29-1
Straight Up: 42-13

Just look at that straight up! Whoo!

(Please phony gamble responsibly. Trev's picks do not necessarily reflect his pick'em selections, but then again, he is a lazy bastard.-IO)

Oklahoma (-23) over Tulsa (9/21 800et ESPN2)
I can't freakign wait to watch this game! A respectable punching bag for the Sooners, and Gus Malzahn's crazy offense! For those who don't know, the Golden Hurricane (do they still call it that?) offense is comprised primarily of the world's fastest no-huddle. It's Purdue's "basketball on grass" on speed. The goal is to snap the ball within 5 seconds of the ball being placed, and Gus sends in his plays using a set of flash cards like Ben Howland at UCLA basketball....but like 3 feet tall. You have to see it to believe it. The wristband numbers are almost as tall as the backup QB sending them in. Back to the game, this means that Tulsa will probably set a land speed record for three and outs. The time of possession is going to be ridiculous. Hey, Oklahoma? Did you just score? Let's just give you the ball right back. Immediately.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

West Virginia (-24.5) over East Carolina (1200et ESPN2)
Yarr! Pirates won't be scorin' as many points as the F'n VU!
Trev's pick: West Virginia

Syracuse (+36.5) over Louisville (1200et)
Syracuse, as bad as they are, and they are, actually has some kind of an offense, unlike some teams our editor follows. Louisville's defense is basically an oxymoron at this point, and while it's not a situation where we start calling this silliness an upset special, but I don't think Syracuse has lost by 37 all year.
Trev's pick: Louisville to win, Syracuse to cover

Clemson (-7) over NC State (1200et)
Time to figure out what kind of team Clemson is. They can't play down to the Wolfpack, and need to just keep doing what they do best, run so fast that time itself reverses.
Trev's pick: Clemson

South Florida (-13.5) over North Carolina (1200et ESPN)
South Florida has beaten Auburn and the always dreaded Bye, while North Carolina...yeah, not so much. The Trev is totally pulling for the remarkably shiny green Bulls to roll up as many teams in a dominating fashion. I expect nothing less from a quarterback with a visor.
Trev's pick: South Florida

Nebraska (-22.5) over Ball St. (1230et)
Last week is behind us. Kick the crap out of the Cardinals, Callahan, I think the interns would like me to put my pants back on. That is all.
Trev's pick: Nebraska

Florida (-23) over Ole Miss (1230et)
YOYOYOYO YOOOOO YO YOOOOO YOOOO BLOWOUT! I don't care what anyone says, that meme is never getting old. Long live The Orgeron! May his reign last 1,000 years! Brett Schayfa and his Wide (?) Boys are no match for the alligator with an undetermined power tool for a member that is Florida. At least DaCoachO can recruit. Keep this situation close in mind, kid. (We're already designing "Orgeron for Irish D-line" propaganda-IO) No chance for a split pick, even in the grove.
Trev's pick: Florida

Boston College (-27.5) over Army (100et ESPN Classic)
Normally, I would chalk this up for a trap line, but I guess I need to be burned at least once by Boston College, and I'd rather get that out of my system now, against Army. I'll buy into this Matt Ryan 4 Heismanz hype, sit back, and see if they can run it up on the Black Knights. Boston College hates America.
Trev's pick: Boston College

Louisiana State (-16.5) over South Carolina (330et CBS)
This is a a noodle-scratcher. Let me scratch that itch with a gorilla chainsaw. LSU gets the benefit of the doubt to chainsaw anyone, anytime, anywhere, until proven otherwise. The 'Cock D is alright with the visor, but they were never Virginia Tech good. Tough game for the Old Ball Coach, but the Tigers are about to click clack all over his face. I still reserve the right to look like a genius in the blogpoll should he pull this one out. Double Standard!
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

Penn State (-3) over Michigan (330et ABC)
Now that Michigan has taken they're sucking aggression out on the inept Irish, they attempt to continue to right the ship, and infect more with the transitive herpes. This is probably the most likely game to end in a push, as there's a solid chance it's a classic 16-13 Big Ten snoozefest....with 750 yards of total offense from airing it out? I don't know, I'm so confused, but I'm pretty sure zombies can't contract the herpes, so they've got that going for them. Can I just root for a meteor to turn the Big House into a crater? It's already a hole.
Trev's pick: Penn State

Ohio State (-22.5) over Northwestern (330et ESPN)
Oh, you poor poor Wildcats. Getting beat on the wrong end of the Duke ugly stick and having to recover by heading into the Horseshoe of the Beast. They're like Washington with out all that talent baggage. Lucky for them, NU fans won't be harassed, safely staying in Evanston for some random women's soccer match.
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Arkansas (-6.5) over Kentucky (600et ESPN2)
I'm very torn on this one. I want to pile on to this Wildcat bandwagon because who doesn't like rooting for their brand of SEC upset? Meanwhile, I have this gut feeling that Darren McFadden is going to blow shit up. You know what I'm talking 'bout lawyas. I mean just let freaking loose all of his Alabama aggression on the poor, porous Wildcat D. Houston Nutt gets an extra dose of crazy pills if the Hogs lose this one.
Trev's pick: Arkansas

Arizona (+16) over California (600et)
Cal, I'm just not feeling it. Somehow, someway, I just freaking know you're going to get out of this one by the skin of your teeth. It feels like a PAC-10 track meet, and I haven't watched one second of these Wildcats. Damn, there's a lot of Wildcats, I can't keep track of them all. Prove me wrong, Bears. Prove me wrong.
Trev's pick: California to win, Arizona to cover

Rice (+38.5) over Texas (700et)
It's finally come to this. I'm taking the points against Texas, and they should be ashamed of themselves. They've played Arkansas State and UCF, and beat them by a combined 2 scores. Time for toughlove, Longhorns. Every time you don't cover, I'm moving you down in the Trev poll. It hurts you more than it hurts me, I'm not the one throwing these games. I think Neon Bordeaux is their starting defensive tackle. Rice is somewhere between Arkansas State and UCF, and it's technically an in-state rivalry, so they've got that going for them.
Trev's pick: Texas to win, Rice to cover

Alabama (-3.5) over Georgia (745et ESPN)
The Imperial March continues and Lord Saban prepares to mindchoke the Dawgs. We'll be watching this one on the road from the legal department's tailgating charter bus, full of mirth, booze, and hopefully for the kid, Irish victory. A wonderful appertif to the day, two crazed SEC teams beating the everliving snot out of each other.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Wisconsin (-7.5) over Iowa (800et ABC)
Wisconsin faces their first real challenge of the year, and I say that with all due respect to The Citadel. Whither Iowa? There was once a time where they weren't two scores worse than the Badgers.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Southern Cal (-24.5) over Washington State (800et ABC)
Just to spite me, the Trojans are going to go back to playing Uncle Milty until a real challenger steps up to the plate. I'm still betting hard on them trying to strike fear into the hearts of all PAC-10 opponents with a complete shellacking of the Cougars.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Oregon (-16.5) over Stanford (1000et)
Jim Harbaugh bows down to no man! And that's a good thing, because he's going to get bent over on this one. That line is much too low for what looks to be nothing short of a blowout on paper.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Notre Dame (+12) over Michigan State (330et NBC)
I'm starting to get really worried about the kid here. He's malaise-ed, he's morose, and he's downright melancholy. If he drinks himself into a coma, how can I make fun of him? Well, the first few weeks would be great, posing for stupid pictures and whatnot, then I'd use him to create living dioramas of historic events, but then what? Besides, who else is going to run all my internet tubes and contain all the small fires I seem to start? There is no reason, not one single reason to be picking Notre Dame in this game. They are by far the worst assembled football team in the modern era. At least Duke can block, at least Baylor can score an offensive touchdown, and at least Buffalo, effing Buffalo, the Buffalo Buffalo, can score 24 at Penn State. Unreal. We're setting the Valenti meter to a nice Orange-Red, I believe it's Tangelo, and shouting a big MAKE PLAYS to the Fighting Irish.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN flamethrower. He got those old wrinkled asses out of their seats and up into the air.

Editorial: We're going to drink until we're bowl eligible

There's a new school of thought sweeping the Notre Dame Nation, or at least my somewhat youthfully naive corner of it. That school of thought is based in hope, bourbon, whiskey, and the Bearhunter.

We're going to drink until we're bowl eligible.

It's a noble cause if there ever was one, and it will certainly ease any future growing pains of the horrible, inexperienced team we love so dearly...I love so dearly. Trev is still reeling from Nebraska's depantsing, even going so far as dictating pantsless until the 'Huskers are once again victorious. It is wrong on a number of levels, and many of the interns are threatening lawsuits. Too bad our legal department went to Notre Dame, and they are joining me in a sympathy strike, nay, it was likely their idea to begin with.

So, as it stands now, things may not get much worse. I've convinced myself just enough to believe that this, right here and now, is the bottom, the Great Depression of Notre Dame Football. We're carting around wheelbarrows full of Domer Dollars just to buy a concession stand polish. Before, I had convinced myself that the program had hit bottom on several occasions: Davie's final year (all of it), Ty losing at Syracuse in a game that many believe never really happened, anything to do with Urban Meyer; but now, I'm certain, that the Irish team I have been woe to see these last few weeks is by far the worst football team I have ever paid money to watch. This includes my current DirecTV bill, and the $4 I paid to watch my high school get shellacked by much larger schools. Therefore, I'm going to cope with the rebuilding the only way my Notre Dame education knows how, completely unhealthy binge drinking.

It's going to start with a pre-game intensive workshop with our safety inspector, this guy:



Following that, a consistent and thorough regiment of German liquors containing jager in their name. Then, the Sparks.

I do it because I love my team. Faced with the unthinkable "I have no idea how much worse we can be", and having that answered for three consecutive weeks have put me in a place where I need to be as sedate as possible in order to not hate my beloved Irish forever.

In my heart, I know things will turn around. My liver is another story all together.

-irishoutsider

Thursday Night Purgatory Wagering

By Markus, Petra, and Jorg
Welt Sexy Computerspielenhaus

Ja, Herr Alberts, we are back to provide you with the tantalizing point-spreads that only stereotypically vindictive Germans can bring to you in our haute couture of post-modern minimalism. Jorg has been toiling all season in his dungeon of computer wonderment, and now, we are prepared to unleash the abyss of nothingness upon the wagering public of the interconnectednets. How I long to hear the screams of torment echoing in the electric night. Behold!

Texas A&M (+2.5) at Miami(FL)

Ah, you didn't think we would not bring the "weak shit" into ze OB, no? What are you going to do with that as you drink your joy-joy brewdawgs in the local tavern hauses? You don't know what to do, for your are terribly perplexed by this line. It taunts you into actually believing the U is the favorite. Is this really a pick 'em at home? Which Miami team will show up? Even more interesting, which Aggie team will be present? Both teams have shown their flashes of volatile results, looking competent one day, and getting blown out by Oklahoma the next. Almost as humbling as taking Fresno State to extra periods.

So, even though mein fuhrer Trev has been mintzing abound with your so-called "American" computerspielienhauses, we bring this deadly line to you free gratis. Don't ever say us Germans are all black leather and nihilism.

Welt Sexy Computerspielenhaus is available for all of your fictional wagering needs. Please fake gamble responsibly.

Week 4 Blogpoll: Pretty Colors

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Nothing like a few displays of offensive firepower to really right the rankings. Lots of teams impressed the Trev with their domination, and a few more got kicked to the curb for showing their football mortality.

1. Southern Cal
2. LSU
3. Oklahoma
   
4. West Virginia
5. Florida
   
6. Texas
   
7. Ohio State
   
8. Oregon
   
9. California
   
10. Wisconsin
11. South Carolina
12. Clemson
13. Alabama
    
14. Penn State
    
15. Virginia Tech
    
16. Rutgers
17. South Florida
18. Georgia
19. Louisville
    
20. Boston College
    
21. Texas A&M
    
22. Hawaii
23. Nebraska
    
24. Kentucky
25. Missouri
    

The breakdown:

The top 5: USC, LSU, Oklahoma, WfnVU, Florida-
Hear that in the distance? That is the diesel-powered hum of offensive chainsaws, whining in the cold, dark night. This group is hands-down the teams you DO NOT want to be playing anytime soon. USC and LSU are tearing through opponents with a kind of verve, yeah, you heard me, freaking VERVE, that is simply unmatched. Ask VTech or Nebraska how their expectations have been rocked as colse games on paper became prime-time depantsings. OU comes in 3rd with its ability to just plain roll, putting them above WVU on defensive merit. Florida could also be 3rd, and could be even higher very soon, if they humble the rest of the SEC like they humbled the Vols.

The next 5: Texas, Ohio State, Oregon, Cal, Wisconsin-
The enigma that are the Texas Longhorns gets banished to the next 5 for their lack of gravitas. Ohio State may be overranked here, on the count that they don't really play anyone until a couple of games in Big Ten country. Oregon and Cal are the only teams right now with a realistic shot at USC, and I place them firmly in the sandwich of taking Wisconsin's defense, but not Ohio State's....I don't have any empirical evidence to back this up other than the Buckeyes were "fast" enough to run with UW, so take it with a grain of salt.

The middle 10: South Carolina, Clemson, Alabama, Penn State, Virginia Tech, Rutgers, USF, Georgia, Louisville, Boston College-
Attrition! Attrition! Everyone moves up just by holding serve! Let's hear it for UCLA (formerly of these rankings) and Louisville (humbled by UK) making room at the top for teams great and small! Most primed to take a fall, South Carolina, of course, but the visor is still up here making us feel smart until that point in which, you know, he doesn't. Alabama jumps up by taking on Arkansas, and I'd have them as at least a pick'em against PSU and VTech right now. The Dark Lord Saban commands me....they get credit for playing Not-Buffalo. USF gets a lofty high teen ranking for simply sitting home and eating cheeseburgers, not bad. Again, is it so wrong to believe they'd give UGA, UL, or BC a game? I'm ready to move BC higher as soon as I figure out which GTech team they beat.

The last 5: Texas A&M, Hawaii, Nebraska, Kentucky, Missouri-
I'm ready to move any of these teams into the creamy middle of the rankings as soon as there's another stumble, or they throw some more upsets/marquee wins. Example: Kentucky could move up simply by beating any SEC team in my book, and that includes Vandy. Hawaii/BYU or Boise, Missouri/Big 12 South, Nebraska/anyone I recognize....you get the idea. Welcome to the show, Wildcats.

The mysterious remains:
Georgia Tech, Arkansas, Tennessee, UCLA
It's an unidentifiable mass of "huh?" after these four teams. I know they can't be much worse than this, can they? UCLA and Tennessee need to rise up above their collapsing expectations and break a few hearts themselves. Arkansas? Same thing, but some people still have them penciled in as "Bestest 1-loss team evers!111!!!". Georgia Tech is not necessarily the best of these teams, but they are probably the most likely to cobble together a respectable top 25 resume given their schedule.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He has natural camouflages.

Week 3 Rundown: Overly Farked

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Finally...how many times do we have to freaking count these games? A somewhat respectable showing by the Trev of his Trev-like prowess and overall Trevosity....and it's ruined by that new fangled German fuzzy math! It was a lot of hard work, and save for a handful of crumbbums not pulling their weight, I'm looking squarely at YOU UCLA, it was an alright showing. Let's get that scoreboard in here to show how accurately mediocre I was this week. Interns, PULL!

Week 3 results:
Against the Spread: 7-9-1
Straight Up: 13-4

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 25-29-1
Straight Up: 42-13

The steady march back to respectability is going to need better weeks than this to crawl back to the top of the prognosticating mountain, a consistent effort on all fronts: instinct, random guessing, and total world knowledge. Now if only I could figure out how to get better than .500 (and learn how to count....-IO)

Penn State 45-Buffalo 24
Moral victory for the Buffalo Buffalo! You are officially better than the Fighting Irish! Look at that prodigious display of offensive output! 24 whole points against Penn State. I'm looking over to the kid right now....I think he wants to chew broken glass. Thanks for screwing up the easy money cover, PSU 2nd string...

Virginia Tech 28-Ohio 7
Stupid hook. America's new team shows they can actually score points and are somewhat recovered from last week's chainsawing. Things were bad, but now they are good, forever!

Texas 35-UCF 32
Texas, you are so cut. I have no reason to keep you above Oklahoma, we'll get to their weekly thwomping in a second, because this is just piss poor. It looks like the old Mack Brown is back, because this is one hell of a disappointing Texas team so far. What the hell? The Longhorns are *this* close to being Michigan without getting schooled by Oregon. Sure, UCF was going to want it more, but Texas was supposed to go in there and set them straight, really remind them how things work in football....but NO, they had to go let them get one of them moral victories....I hate moral victories.

Ohio State 33-Washington 14
No ladder, no flubber, no Air Bud:Golden Retriever....you lose Huskies. Sure, it's vindictive to say it, but damn, I am so happy this story is stopping dead in it's tracks. Take your Jake Locker lightning-in-a-bottle, slump your way through a PAC-10 season, and slowly implode like the West Coast Michigan State that we all know you are deep inside, if only to keep my editor from whining about one more thing. An efficient grinding into submission by the Sweatervest.



Florida 59-Tennessee 20
Sweet merciful crap! What happened?!?! I turn my back on this game for one second, and it goes from "Vols score, this is a game again" to "Oct. 6th is going to be freaking ridiculous!" I want Florida-LSU, right now. Call up Dick Ebersol, we're getting that sucker on NBC TONIGHT. Damn the broadcasting deals, we'll let the lawyers take care of that later. I want Bob Costas, Jerome Bettis, and that guy who plays Dr. Cox in the booth calling this game....and I want a life-sized replica of Buckingham Fountain in the middle of the field, in play, and instead of water, it will shoot Rumple Minze. Make it happen.



Oklahoma 54-Utah State 3
Not watching this game at all, I still have this feeling that the Sooners hung half a hundred without even trying. Wee-oww.

Utah 44-UCLA 6
Wee-oww again. I had to rewind the DVR on this ticker a couple of times on that one. Honestly, the first 5 times I saw it flash across the tape, I could have sworn it was UCLA 44-Utah 6. I mean, that's just kind of what I expected, but reality vexed the ever living crap out of me. This totally vexes me. If anyone had the Utes to win straight-up, I am calling you a liar and taking your mother out for a nice night on the town. Utah forces five turnovers, including one of those Pats-Broncos numbers that turns a touchdown into a touchback. 30-0 Utah in the second half seals the deal. Are they sharpening pitchforks again in Westwood? Honestly, I have no idea.

California 42-Louisiana Tech 12
Defense! What a great idea! Let's try that the next time we're on the road. I'm still steaming from them having to squeak it out against the Rams, and they can't cover yet again!

Alabama 41-Arkansas 38
Crown moldings and Bama bombs for all! I'm not saying I'm right or anything, but all those crazy Hogs fans have more than little old me to worry about after letting Saban mind choke this one with his evil powers. I'm more than all right with the push on this, but you have to admit, it sure is fun justifying my rankings of Alabama and Arkansas just on this game. Confirmation bias! Huzzah! Just a guess here, without reading any Razorback message boards, I'm just going to go ahead and assume that there's a tangible amount of posters arguing against sitting a concussed Darren McFadden. Back to Alabama, it's going to get fun once they learn how to finish.


Texas A&M 54-Louisiana Monroe 14
Sure was nice of ULM to give the Aggies a scrimmage before they play Miami of Florida.

Oregon 52-Fresno State 21
Glad to see the Ducks can torch the little guys too. I like that, it's what I want to see out of them. That, and 9 different uniform designs for the rest of the season.

Kentucky 40-Louisville 34
That was....unexpected? Kentucky's offense is good, but I thought all those stories were just hype to make this game interesting. Apparently, it didn't need it. The Wildcats finally get one from Louisville, and its likely death to the Cardinals title dreams, and probably West Virginia's too by the looks of it. We really need to get a Wheel of Death out here, because I think these numbers are going to be so close at the end of the year. College football: where we decide the championship based on opponents opponents opponents, group think, and poll inertia!


Louisiana State 44-Middle Tennessee 0
The Tigers feast on the blue blood of MTSU, stabbing them with their steely knives, and sacrificing them on the altar of Death Valley. They should just install The Stone Table in one end zone and be done with it.


Boston College 24-Georgia Tech 10
Ugh, Boston College is better than we thought, and Georgia Tech is not. Damn. I really wanted that to be the other way around. It's more fun watching Tenuta's defense when it actually, you know, works. BC favorite to win the ACC now? Really? Do they play Clemson? Does anyone care? That conference is like the NIT right now. Sure, you won, now go get rocked in a BCS bowl...unless we line you up with Notre Dame...just to get anybody to watch?

Southern Cal 49-Nebraska 31
Kid, grab me my bindle! We're going down to Lincoln, and I am going to have some speaks with Coach Callahan! Man, I can't believe I fell for the oldest trick in the book. Southern Cal totally "Milton Berle-ed" Idaho, showing just enough to win, then unleashed hell upon the unsuspecting 'Huskers. I can't really say I'm surprised, and now I'm just waiting for Pete Carroll to replace his golf cart with one of those sweet demigod thrones carried on the backs of 1,000 slaves.



Hawaii 49-UNLV 14
Hawaii is good! Maybe not! No wait, they totally are! Ride the WAC rollercoaster and its race to 10,000 yards of offense!

Michigan 38-Notre Dame 0
Oof! That game was a kick square in the beanbag for the kid. Watching him contort his way uncomfortably through 3 hours of...well, I don't exactly know what to call that....was a pure delight. This team is going to kill him, literally kill him, and I'm going to enjoy every last second of him trying to justify his existence in this college football world we live in. Oh my, that was ridiculous! Did you see that part where they couldn't block, or tackle, or even hold on to the goddamn football? Wow. I have seen some nose dives in my day, but wow, it was like the whole team was pointshaving at the same time. Actually, pointshavers try to make the game look respectable, so scratch that. Michigan gets a W for their performance because those are the rules, but while their record may say 1-2, it's really more like 2 losses and a hug at the end of a Special Olympics race. Good job! You did it! Let's go get orange slices!


Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. He could totally rock some Rumple Minze right now, Sally.

Week 3 Trevonics: The Q is talking to me

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Let's see if we can't get some other kind of liquid inspiration going this week. Time to take a hearty dose of the nighttime, sniffling, sneezing, I lost all my money betting on Georgia, knock you out before you pass out, medicine. Interns, wheel that scoreboard in here, and don't forget to bring the Steel Flask of Inebriation +2!

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 18-20
Straight up: 29-9

(Standard boilerplate disclaimers apply. Gambling is wrong outside of Europe, Trevonics does not necessarily reflect official Pick'Em picks. To sign up for the Fire Mark May Pick'Em Click here.-IO)

Penn State (-34) over Buffalo (1200et Big Ten Network)
This may look like a joke line, but it is just way too low. I won't say anything more about this other than Buffalo is a bad team. Real bad.
Trev's pick: Penn State

Ohio (+20.5) over Virginia Tech (1200et ESPN360)
Ok, for the record, the Trev does not hate America. However, after one so-so performance and one outright chainsawing, I need to see that the Hokies can score three touchdowns. The whole Beamer-ball, this anemic, has me thinking they can't. Split the pick, go America.
Trev's pick: Ohio to cover, VT to win

Texas (-18) over UCF (330et ESPN2)
What a way to open up a new on-campus football stadium at a traditional commuter school! I'm pretty sure it's an unwritten arrangement that Texas gets prima nocte to beat the ever living snot out of a team in their first game.
Trev's pick: Texas

Ohio State (-4) over Washington (330et ESPN)
You're damn right I'm riding this one to hell. If Washington wins this game without a) a ladder, b) flubber,or c) some magic dog that kicks field goals, I will eat my freaking hat. I just don't see it. Even if the Huskies have some sort of new crazy talent on their roster, the Sweatervest now has 2 whole reels of 2007 game tape, and he has intricate knowledge of UW's 12 new plays. That's 12 new plays total. Never, in all my life, have I rooted for the Buckeyes this hard.
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Florida (-7.5) over Tennessee (330et CBS)
You always take the points in an SEC rivalry game. You always take the points in an SEC rivalry game. Keep repeating it, but I'm going to fall for it again. It's at The Swamp, and there's a Tebow involved.
Trev's pick: Florida

Oklahoma (-46) over Utah State (330et)
How is there a line on this? How is it on the board? I want some answers. Still, I am totally unphased because the Sooners could have covered that last week against Miami of Florida.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

UCLA (-14) over Utah (500et)
It's time for some quick and dirty transitive property here. BYU>Utah, BYU>Utah. It could be a push at worst.
Trev's pick: UCLA

California (-33.5) over Louisiana Tech (630et)
Louisiana Tech comes off a shootout with Hawaii, and California squeaked by Colorado State. I'm really hoping California can run it up on Louisiana Tech, and, now this may be a novel idea, hold them. If they can't do that, well, I don't know what to say.
Trev's pick: California

Alabama (-3) over Arkansas (645et ESPN)
Ok, for those keeping track of these kinds of things, Arkansas is #16, and Alabama is not. Alabama is a 3 point favorite at home, which is basically a pick 'em anywhere outside of Fayetteville. You'd think all of that hype would be pumping up the the line a little bit, but I guess the Dark Lord Saban is striking fear in the hearts of gamblers everywhere. Time to get some window treatments.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Texas A&M (-23) over Louisiana Monroe (700et)
I have to believe the Aggie defense is better than what they showed against Fresno State. They come back home to College Station, now, and the Team Formerly Known as Some Kind of Indian is waiting to get the snot beat out of them. I've seen some of the Warhawks (?) this year, and they're not bad....if they're playing Tulsa. Unless they dust off the App. State playbook, no chance.
Trev's pick: Texas A&M

Oregon (-16.5) over Fresno State (700et)
Oh my! Oregon is a freaking fantasy team on offense. I mean, did you see that fake fake statue play last week? They totally flipped the bitch! No letdown here if the Ducks are the real deal. If there's any kind of trap, its for Fresno State if they can't recover from last week's OT loss.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Louisville (-6.5) over Kentucky (730et ESPN Classic)
Damn dirty Germans! I can't believe where they set this despicable line. What, you want me to take the points in some kind of 42-40 3000 yard offensive display? You think the Wildcat defense is more robust than Middle Tennesee's? JUST GIVE ME THE FREAKING ANSWER! No matter the final score, UL is one score better than UK. I'll take the "no field goals" side bet at 3:2 or better.
Trev's pick: Louisville

Louisiana State (-40.5) over Middle Tennessee State (800et)
Thus ends the gritty underdog tale of Middle Tennessee, the scrappy mid-major that could...maybe....probably?...but just can't get it together. I don't think the LSU night game defense will be very kind to the humble Blue Raiders, and if the Tigers can hang 45 on VTech, you better believe they can do it here.
Trev's pick: Louisiana State

Georgia Tech (-6.5) over Boston College (800et ESPN2)
Georgia Tech and Boston College in an ACC Game of the Season! What? You're kidding right? This is definitely not what they had in mind when they set that up. Georgia Tech has the defense to give BC fits, and they just might. I plead ignorance on the ins and outs of BC. I'm not too proud to admit that I just don't care. I'll give the edge to the home team, and sit back to watch the aggressive blitzings.
Trev's pick: Georgia Tech

Nebraska (+9.5) over Southern Cal (800et ABC)
I want to speak directly to Callahan, again, for just a few moments. CALLAHAN! If you play this game close to the vest, I will end you, and that is for serious. I'll get me one of them LSU werewolf chainsaws, hitchhike to Lincoln using only my wits, a tin of beans, and my chainsaw member, and I will cut your desk in half! You've got Southern Cal, you've got a good team, you've got them at home, at night, in front of hordes of Americans for Nebraska! Open it up! Punch that Poodle right in his smug mouth and never let him up! Of course....this falls on deaf ears, and the Trojans will narrowly escape a worthy death.
Trev's pick: Nebraska to cover, Southern Cal to win

Hawaii (-17) over UNLV (930et)
Hawaii, despite last week's struggles, is a good team. UNLV, despite last week's struggles, is still not a good team.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Notre Dame (+8) over Michigan (330et ABC)
What a momentous occasion! I think this is the first time I'm calling one of the kid's games, and neither team is ranked! The Sarcastic Gameday is already lined up, and I want to know why the hell I wasn't invited! No matter, I'm going to kick back, relax, and watch two once-proud programs completely implode simultaneously in that pit formerly known as the Big House. If Notre Dame wins this game, and there's no telling what can happen, I move we rename that hole in Ann Arbor (Drink! -IO) "The Litter Box". Our editor is almost certifiably insane at this point. All the anticipation, reading through the meta-meta-meta-metagame of this matchup, he's been muttering to himself something about a Double D and his magic Knifewrench. Only in his dreams. I'll take the points, pray for a good game, and wish unending evil upon the skunkbears. It's a more compelling story in my opinion. Notre Dame sucking it up is not exactly a novel concept these days...sorry kid, but the truth hurts.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is actually still on CSTV. We're just as surprised as you.

This mortgage crisis is definitely affecting my deal with Satan

By Lloyd Carr
Interim Head Coach, University of Michigan

Unbelievable. There used to be a time in this country when a man could make a deal, a verbal contract, possibly written in blood, and it could mean something. You'd look your partner square in the eye, and you'd make yourself a blood pact worth standing up for. Now? Forget about it. I mean, there used to be no question of terms, no options, no clauses, no caveats. You sign on the dotted line and you got yourself a deal for the duration of the terms, and if those terms just happened to be all of eternity, well, at least you knew you damn near meant it.

I'll be honest. Way back in 1995, I would have given anything to take Moeller's job, and we really did a number on Gary. Sure, a lot of guys were signing on with more new fangled dark religions like Pan, the goat God, that whole Xenu business, or even some of that crazy Santeria crap, but not me. Give me good 'ol Satan anytime if you're going to make a deal like I wanted to make, a real Faustian number, traditional, classic. That's the only way we do things in my house, and given the alums spoke so highly of him, I felt obliged to keep it in the family. If only he'd given me their rates!

He summons me into his office, you know, down there, and, don't get me wrong, it's nice and all, but the whole angle is to get you locked into the worst damn deal possible. He's got them slutty assistants tempting damn near everyone with their sins of the flesh, not to mention promises of eternal glory at his side, but basically, the whole place is so freaking hot you just want to sign whatever the hell he gives you and get the hell out of there. Down to business, I got this sweet low introductory rate, my credit rating got a super boost assisting at Michigan all those years, and the adjustable deals were so low, I couldn't resist! Besides, Satan is the best goddamn negotiator I have ever met. I almost had to give him the first born, but we'd agreed that he had the rights to the kids when I asked for a bitchin' Camaro back in '73.

So here's the deal, I get to be head coach of His football team on Earth, and in exchange for my eternal soul, I get to coach them to victory for all time...as long as I pay suitable tribute. We set the whole thing up fixed until I win the first national championship, and then we readjust according to the fed funds rate every so often, his call. Man, those first few years were great. I was kicking some ass and taking some names, it was downright unholy. Sure, we didn't win it all right away, but I got to kick the snot out of Ohio State 3 times in a row! 3 times! Hell yes! Hail Satan! But, then things got really silly real freaking fast.

1997. The team's is just on a tear. The boys run the table and are just plain unstoppable. We even won the Rose Bowl, the Rose Bowl of all places, that year and we're all thinking title all the way. Bullshit. That's what the coaches say, and I have to take a goddamn split title. Apparently, my arrangement didn't go over so well with some people, but they could kiss my ass for all I cared. I was going to come off a championship, ready to load up a kickass recruiting class, and that whole Satan business still fixed at that sweet low introductory rate. WRONG! "Read the fineprint," says the bifurcated bastard, "you won a national championship, time to pay up!" Half a championship, and he's counting it at the full price? To this I respond with a great big F U to the big man. That didn't go over so well, but Master must have had other things in mind, so he let it slide.

In hindsight, that was definitely not the case. You know the rest. 10-3, 10-2, 9-3..etc etc. Three-loss LLLoyd and so forth. You know why? Because that asshole Satan kept bumping my coupon payments, yet he still let me slide a couple of times. Son of a bitch just kept setting me up for the fall, and I never saw it coming. Now, this year, he tells me we got some kind of credit crunch and my tribute to His Darkness has tripled. Tripled! Eff that! I'm just calling this whole damn thing off. What's the worst that can happen? I'm coming off one of the best damn years ever, and I'm loaded up to make a real run at this....and you all know the rest.

Goddamn you Satan! I know, that's kind of the point, but Appalachian-fucking-State? And what the shit was that last week with Oregon?! You are just pantsing the everliving crap out of me you vindictive bastard! And, I will NOT take this business sitting down! I may be going down in a blaze of eternal hellfire, taking the wailing screams of hundreds of thousands with me, but I'm not doing it for you anymore, Lord Satan.

I'm doing it for me. I'm doing it for me.

Lloyd Carr is currently the head coach of the Michigan Wolverines. At least he'll have that bitching Camaro to fall back on.

Week 3 Blogpoll: Inert like Helium

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Just a whole lot of things to get corrected this week. Everything else involves a whole lot of inertia as no one has won big or lost big enough to really uncement the preseason expectations. Except Oregon...because they beat Michigan....a lot. I'm still ready to go crazy-go-nuts with this list as soon as people start playing each other, and that can't come soon enough. At least we had LSU's unholy dismantling of VTech to bring some kind of actual reality to the rankings. A beatdown like that goes a long way to diffuse hypeyness into truthiness.


Outside of that, not a whole lot of stuff shaking up the Periodic Table of Trev:

1. Southern Cal
2. LSU
3. Texas
   
4. West Virginia
5. Oklahoma
   
6. Louisville
   
7. Ohio State
   
8. UCLA
   
9. Oregon
   
10. California
11. Florida
    
12. Wisconsin
13. South Carolina
14. Clemson
    
15. Penn State
    
16. Georgia Tech
17. Virginia Tech
    
18. Nebraska
19. Alabama
    
20. Rutgers
21. South Florida
22. Georgia
    
23. Texas A&M
    
24. Hawaii
25. Washington
    

The breakdown:

The top 5: USC, LSU, Texas, WfnVU, Oklahoma-
This group is stone for the time being, it's really a judgment call where you place USC/LSU and then order the other three. Texas' opener still casts the shadow of doubt, but I'll stay waiting and seeing. Basically, these are the teams that can dismantle almost any opponent right now, and Texas has that within them. Just because the Horns haven't yet is no reason to knock them. Oklahoma Superteam and WVU round out the list with their own brands of offensive fireworks.

The next 5: Louisville, Ohio State, UCLA, Oregon, Cal-
If the first 5 are stone, these guys are Jello. I feel like if I hold onto them too tight, they'll slip through my fingers. Still, their combinations of performance, expectations, and talent has me penciling them in as favorites over most teams outside the top 5. Louisville and tOSU have me waiting to see the other shoe drop. Maybe UL DOESNT score a million points and loses to the next Middle Tennessee. Maybe UW pulls a fast one on the Buckeyes. Who knows? Its not inconceivable. These are our concerns, dude. If I had to call out how the PAC-10 three-way will shake out today, I'm taking UCLA over Oregon over Cal over UCLA.

The middle 10: Florida, Wisconsin, South Carolina, Clemson, Penn State, Georgia Tech, Virginia Tech, Nebraska, Alabama, Rutgers-
Here's where it gets interesting. This is the vast creamy middle of top 25 logjammy goodness that has almost every team save USC/LSU watching their backs. Every one is primed to take a spot in the top 10 with a marquee win and accompanying leapfrog. The 'Cocks do us proud with their win over the Dawgs: Phil Steele power! Clemson runs past Penn State to pile on to their FSU victory...and because ND almost counts as a bye week with that dismal display. The Hokies fall to 17, a fair spot if they find some offense of their own. Nebraska had problems with Wake, and Rutgers gets no love from me for beating Navy. Why? Because I love America, that's why!

The last 5: USF, Georgia, Texas A&M, Hawaii, Washington -
Oh, the controversy! The kid feels physical pain every time I mention the Huskies in the top 25. Frankly, I can't believe it, but Boise State is a good win, which is more than most 2-0 teams can say right now. Do I take any other top 25 team over them? Hell, yes! Fun while it lasts, though. USF gets the bump from taking on Auburn and my hubris that they could take Georgia. A&M and Hawaii get no credit for their non-conference squeakers.

The mysterious remains:
Arkansas, Tennessee, Auburn, BYU, and Arizona State(1)
Ok, the whole thing is driving me up the wall with the SEC teams. I can't rank all of you, and you don't play anyone until conference play. Well, the Vols did, but they lost. They get the nod here as they'll likely play their way back in. Auburn? I'm completely clueless. Arkansas gets out of here with a win against Alabama, as they are still the recipients of my irrational hate. Sweet Xbox team, though. BYU gave UCLA a game, so we'll keep an eye an eye out on the Mormons. ASU....still so tempting...gets a look after beating Division I Football!!!!11!11!!! Colorado.

Trev Alberts is not a recognized Blogpoller. He wears a fake mustache.

Week 3 starts NOW: Michigan sucks

-irishoutsider

Week 2 Rundown: Sunday Morning MegaPost 3rdMix Beatdown Revolution XIII!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Wow....that really escalated quickly. A long fulfilling day of college football and libations, leaving me bleary eyed and definitely not 100% "awares" this Sunday morning. Unable to sleep off whatever the hell it is I drank yesterday, let's get down to the business, I don't think it's going to look good for the Trev, but it could be worse, I could be our editor! Hey kid, I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think your reaction to the Irish's latest defeat involved you tearing down the neighbor's house with your bare hands! Impressive.



The just as demolished scoreboard:

Week 2:
Against the Spread: 9-11
Straight Up: 15-5

2007 Season-to-date:
Against the Spread: 18-20
Straight up: 29-9

Holy hell! Get thee behind me Week 2! Simply stunning. I picked Akron to win? What the hell was I on? Kid, you've got to advise me on some of this stuff, especially when I've been drinking. Hey zeus, man, that's like....55% of your job or something? I don't know, my head is just swimming in defeat right now. I can't believe I'm the only one who can't sleep off last night's destructive forces.

Let's just get on with this, but first, a quick note from the interns' field trip to Northwestern-Nevada, probably one of the unheralded great finishes of the weekend. The Wildcats come from behind in the last minute to put away the Wolfpack, and like 2000 total yards or offense to boot. Free tickets, free parking, free Pistol, free parking shuttle school bus, and free....FOODBALL!


That about says it all, right there: GO FOODBALL! Let me officially declare that the Trev fully endorses the Foodball. The beauty of Foodball is a joy forever, so sayeth the Me, and really, that's what its all about. Oh..."He's not making fun of children, is he??!?" YES HE IS!

Rutgers 41-Navy 24
It was a noble effort, young seamen, but Rutgers laid the woodwork to you. That sentence is like 2 drinks for entendres, for those keeping track at home. I still love America, but I really wish America could cover the freaking spread.

West Virginia 48-Marshall 23
The Thundering Herd put the irregular plural scare into the Mountaineers, but it just wasn't enough to take home the Flaming Couch Bowl title. WfnVU marches on.

Nebraska 20-Wake Forest 17
CALLAHAN! I will cut you, Callahan, and that is the freaking truth! How the heck did do you only manage to get 20 up on Wake Forest? No disrespect, Deacons, but let's be real for a second. This is freaking Nebraska, and we should be Husking you right back to the ACC status quo, if only out of principle. This new order of Nebraska-Wake Forest being a close game is totally messing with my head.

Oklahoma 51-Miami of Florida 13
OU, Superteam FC (tm)....That was....unexpected. You seem to....um....have some offense there. I...don't really want to mess with any of that. Thank you very much. All Sooner touchdowns in the air, you say? Fascinating. Miami of Florida....thanks for coming out?

Ohio State 20-Akron 2
Son of a! That's just sloppy there, picking Akron to win. Hubris! Hubris I say! But, if you told me that the Zips would have gotten a safety AND be only down 2-3 at the Half, I would have punched you in the mouth like one of them boxing Kangaroos and called you a damn, dirty liar! That doesn't change the fact that all of us in the Media Center were pulling for the 4-3 double safety upset! Your'e still not off the hook, BTN!

Clemson 49-Louisiana Monroe 26
CJ Spiller ran back in time to defeat the Louisiana Purchase. This is my only explanation for the Tigers failing to cover, some sort of space-time paradox business. Word to he wise, Trevonic disciples, when a blowout game is OFF and suddenly goes ON at the last minute, stay the F away. I was certainly trapped by that one. Fair play, Gamblor.

California 34-Colorado State 28
You disappoint me yet again, Cal. Pulling this underachieving business like you always always do when I'm ready to put the full faith of the Trev on your speedy shoulders. You get out-gained by the Rams, and need 3 turnovers to bail you out of this trap game. I guess you get some credit for shutting them down in the second half, but you should have run away with it. Hell yeah, irrational expectations!

Washington 24-Boise State 10
Fire, blood rain, dogs and cats living together, MASS HYSTERIA! UW is getting a dose of the good 'ol TW magic we've all become accustomed to seeing about once every 5 years or so. Good on the Huskies, those players need something to feel good about for once, but I get the feeling this is like those years in EA NCAA where someone finds that one broken play and keeps running it over and over again until someone cracks it, with devastating regression to the mean. Jailbreak screen!

Texas A&M 47-Fresno State 45
So much for grinding the Bulldogs into submission. The Aggies get out alive in 3 OTs, but I'm still scratching my head trying to figure out how the heck they let Pat Hill's boys score 45. Is it 2005 again?

South Carolina 16-Georgia 12
You are totally welcome, Georgia. I don't know why I'm disliking you so much this year. Really, I can't for the life of me have a good reason to think you're not great, but the visor locked you down, and that just makes me smile.

Florida 59-Troy 31
We all have our new demons in this young season. Michigan has it's kittens....lots and lots of kittens...Notre Dame's having it's problems running a college offense with toddlers, Nebraska still can't figure out if they're any good, and Florida has to be concerned that Troy got 31 points. I'm sure this victory has some Gator fans feeling a little unclean this morning.

UCLA 27-BYU 17
10 points better! The Bruins hold BYU to an anemic 42 yards on the ground and win a tough game in good team fashion. UCLA, the new Cal?

Tennessee 39-Southern Miss 19
No letdown here. The Vols get some hits in on the body bag to let out last week's aggression.

Texas 34-TCU 13
Another team that just never seems to get it done when you expect them to break through. TCU, I want to be a fan so very much, but you keep letting me down like this. In a classic Valenti, you had the Horns making mistakes and you just didn't MAKE PLAYS! You let Mack Brown feed them pudding, and after the half, Texas became Texas again. MAKE PLAYS!

Hawaii 45-Louisiana Tech 44
Colt Brennan escapes the upset as the LA Tech whatever-they-ares fail to convert in OT. That about sums it up. Warriors fail to blowout, grasp desperately for the shootout win, and pull it out. WAC-tastic!

South Florida 26-Auburn 23
USF! USF! Let's hear it for the Bulls! After weeks, nay months, of preseason sleeper hype, the trendy darkhorses actually came through! It's damn refreshing to say the least. Auburn is in that rare territory where they're not getting any kind of credit for beating anyone, but anyone who takes them down gets a healthy dose of street cred. I'm all about the Bulls getting it done if they can keep these games close and get the wins in the clutch. USF!

Louisiana State 48-Virginia Tech 7
AD's of America, when LSU asks you to play in Death Valley, and they say its gonna be a night game, and the start time is 8pm local, the answer is always an emphatic no! Dark voodoo magic, the hordes of marathon tailgaters, darkness over taking the field. That is a bad place down there, mama. The Tigers have their official coming out party for 2007, and it's brutal.

Wisconsin 20-UNLV 13
Ugh. UNLV puts up an unexpected fight in a game that I can only assume had something to do with the fact it was in the most distracting city in the world. You'd think a team from Madison would be able to fight off their partying urges, but I guess Vegas Power is an unstoppable force.

Penn State 31-Notre Dame 10
An entire nation of Irish fans should be writing Lloyd Carr love letters right now because his glorious implosion in Ann Arbor, and it is glorious, is diverting all the good ink away from ND's "rebuilding." Who said that? There's that word again. No matter how you sugar coat it, it's clearly the case. There are just so many mistakes, critical mistakes, fundamental mistakes, that are the markings of a young team. The Robot Catholics are losing faith by the handfuls, and the schedule is merciless. Penn State was able to capitalize on the gifts of field position and lack of offense, but the Irish D once again get some kind of moral victory....I think....They're getting better and better? Though, you'd think they wouldn't have been intimidated by 100,000 white people.

Now onto the clinical precision of a lazy NFL Sunday. I'm sure my eventual nap will be ruined by some kind of Bears Free Money nonsense. This weekend is far from over, and the forecast is pain. My liver hurts.

Trev Alberts used to work for ESPN. He once got time and a half to tear down the set of RPM 2Night with his bare hands.