Christening the new season

Season's Greetings
from
FireMarkMay.com

-irishoutsider

8/31 Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Time to start laying down the law as I descend from up on high, bringing my football acumen to the masses, like Charlton Heston with that sweet biblical beard of his. Anyway, we have four games on the television docket today primed and ready to be washed down with frosty beverages, greasy bar food, and the tears of many a gambler across this great computer technoweb. Keeping in mind some of my various "Trev-factors", and a few that have yet to be revealed, let's press on.

*DISCLAIMER*
My legal department, currently agonizing over Virginia's playbook in NCAA 2007, has reminded me to remind you that gambling is most likely illegal in your home jurisdiction, and that these are for entertainment purposes only.

Boston College (-11.5) at Central Michigan 6pm EST (ESPN2)
The "Road to Boise" begins somewhere in Michigan as BC kicks off their 2006 season againt the proud Chippewas. CMU brings a lot to the table for this game, but the most important thing is their uniforms. Appearing remarkably similar in their goldish, maroonish garb, the Chippewas complete the illusion of this being a scrimmage for Boston College as the Eagles prepare for another season as an ACC also-ran. The only real winners in this game are fans hungry for college football at 6pm on a Thursday. Trev's pick: BC

Miami (OH) coach Montgomery has his work cut out for him.

Northwestern (-4.5) at Miami (OH) 730 EST (ESPNU)
The Wildcats, with their retooled existentialist playbook, take on the Redhawks tonight at the Cradle of Coaches. On the one hand, a wildcat could totally take a redhawk in a fight, but if that redhawk is trained by a skilled falconer, it could be a close one. Northwestern gets back to focusing on football after a long offseason and is ready for this. Trev's pick: Northwestern

Minnesota (-15) at Kent State 730 EST (ESPN360, wtf?)
While the Golden Flashes have one of the best innuendo nicknames in all the land, this game is a tuneup for the Gophers' trip to Berkeley next week. I have two questions. 1. What the hell is ESPN 360? and 2. Do they need someone to call this game? I'm available. My only real concern is finding this game so I can watch both Big 11 matchups at once. Trev's pick:Minnesota

Steve Spurrier has the 'Cocks ready for their opener.

South Carolina (-7) at Mississipii Stae 8 EST (ESPN)
The Big 11 doubleheader only lasts so long before we add this matchup to the rotation. Gamecocks. Now that's a name a guy can get behind. Wait, that came out wrong. A litany of clever puns aside, Steven Spurrier takes MSU to the shed in typical early-season "I'm a genius!" fashion. Normally, a bulldog would rip a gamecock to shreds, but in this case the gamecock is some kind of Super Chicken with an extra crispy brain. I find it very hard to bet against the visor in this instance. Kicking off against "El Diablo" is only the beginning of a long season in Starkville. Trev's pick: Gamecocks

Trev Alberts is an experienced prognosticator. He thinks he can get ESPN 360 on his Xbox.

Pledge allegiance

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

A beautiful morning to you all! After a long and unseasonably hilarious summer, we being the college football season anew today. Let us cast off the harsh chains of weekend leisure time and take up the cold, steely steel chains of the new campaign. Now is the autumn of our content, and while I am fully aware that autumn does not begin for some time, varying on your country of origin, it is time to once again renew our commitment to awesomeness. Please join me in reciting the FireMarkMay loyalty oath.

Try to look excited, fatty.

The FireMarkMay Loyalty Oath
by Trev Alberts

I [state your name], pledge allegiance
To the Trev, and the glorious state of football,
And to the obsession, for which it stands.
One nation, under the influence
with tailgating and marching bands for all.
Amen.

And now, please rise and remove your caps for "Looking for Freedom."

Stirring. It all gives me goosebumps every year.
Anything can happen this season, and if I have anything to say about it, it will.

Trev Alberts is a CSTV figurehead. His liver retains the right to secede from his union.

Too much technology

Preparing to archive a season worth of legendary adventures on the new camera, the staff kicked back for a few episodes of Arrested Development. The calm before the storm continues.

-irishoutsider

Changes abound at Northwestern

By Kenny Mayne
possibly of ESPN.com

With the last days of the offseason winding down, programs across this great land are annointing their latest opening day QB warrior-poets. The Longhorns have Colt McCoy under center, and John David Booty is taking the mantle at Southern Cal, but no team will be seeing bigger changes than Northwestern. Earlier today, Coach Fitzgerald named Kafka as his starting QB, promising a new and different look to the 2006 campaign that few analysts could have seen coming.

More well-known for his works in German existentialism, Kafka will be leading NU in '06.

For starters, the entire offensive playbook has been scrapped in favor of a small purple bowler hat containing the hopes and dreams of all humanity, shifting the focus from their traditional spread offense to refelctions on the infinite. Brian Brewer, a candidate for the QB job earlier this spring, may see some playing time at the newly created "herring" position, where his presence will be viewed as "a mesmerizing commentary on post-modern deconstructionalism" by The New York Times. The offensive line has been speculated to include an antrhopomorphic suzaphone, 3 Maori tribesmen, and the corpse of Archduke Franz Ferdinand, but until the two-deep is finalized, the positions remain floating in perfume.

On the defensive side of the ball, Fitzgerald announced that the secondary would be replaced by four true freshman, stating "I have the true feeling of myself only when I am unbearably unhappy." The tension of the immediate unknown seems to be a continuing theme with the Wildcats' defense as they will be shifting from a traditional 4-3 set towards a more unorthodox 3-4 known as "The Castle" which replaces the ROLB with a rotating cast of French peasant workers in traditional garb. The Washington Post has already heralded this move as "a triumph of man's pioneer spirit."

Special teams have remained unchanged save the addition of a golden retriever named "Scooter" who will teach us all how to love again as he continues his long journey home.

So there you have it, a memorable shakeup in Evanston that is sure to keep all of the critics talking. I anticipate a very successful three-month run this fall followed by constant mis-referencing on MySpace by faux-intellectual teenagers trying to get laid.

Kenny Mayne used to be a sportscaster. He is currently off the reservation.

The Dynasty begins

By Kirk Herbstreit
ESPN.com

After a mandatory breaking-in period, NCAA 2007 was ruled eligible for competitive play by the office "Council of Elders" (basically myself, Corso, and a magic 8-ball), a pivotal moment in the establishment of the FireMarkMay.com staff dynasty. Once the imprimatur was given, a heated conference discussion was undertaken followed by the establishment of teams. Alcohol and Frito Lay products were consumed in moderation.

We stole all of our Academic Decathlon equipment from Millard Fillmore High.

We chose the ACC for its inclusion of a title game and relative level of parity, after a few minor concessions. To keep things fair, Florida State, Miami, and Virginia Tech were considered ineligible. Suprisingly, no one cared. A rigorous Academic Decathlon was to determine the team selection process, but this was canceled due to lack of conflict or motivation. An even number of teams from each division was required, but had no apparent influence on team selection.

Here are the dynasties, alphabetically by team:

• Jimbo the Intern, a gregarious tailgater with sizeable knowledge of all things football and beer shocked us all by selecting Boston College, a normally "forbidden team" ineligible in all game modes due to our editor's unlimited hatred for "Fredo." Head Coach: Iwishiwas Adomer
• IrishOutsider, choosing last as 2006 champion, selected Georgia Tech out of sheer desire to run an unorthodox offense of his choosing while making hopefully relevant "Office Space" comments. Head Coach: Michael Bolton
• G-Money, the latest addition to the legal staff, selected Maryland for reasons unknown. Head Coach: Whiskey McGuirk
• Bloo, took the early lead in obvious tie-in humor by selecting North Carolina and proceeded to predict a sky blue beatdown on all who opposed his awesomeness. Head Coach: The Blue Meanie
• Trev, selected North Carolina State and immediately began to swear vengeance on Bloo for nailing his ex-girlfriend. Trev's habit of playing Xbox while wearing his Oakley's also weighed heavily in the decision. Head Coach: Albert von Beatdown
• Captain Eclectic, resident reference scholar, selected Virginia, allowing him to run the 3-4 defense with reckless abandon. He is excited about conquering southern recruiting. Head Coach: Robert E Lee IV
  

So, if we didn't have enough real football to breakdown during the week, this year's office dynasty will be sure to provide some additional simulated drama to the upcoming season. I can't wait to see this unfold, it's really anybody's to win at this early stage of the game. Here's my preseason rankings:

1. Georgia Tech
2. Boston College
3. Virginia
4. Maryland
5. NC State
6. North Carolina

Kirk Herbstreit can be seen each Saturday outsmarting Mark May on College Gameday. He can be heard every freaking play on NCAA 2007.

Weekend happenings at the head office

We are literally days away from the start of the football season, and the team here

An artist's rendering of the compound. Bloo's "Super Fun Happy Slide" is not pictured.

at FireMarkMay.com couldn't be more excited. Friday's happy hour was one for the books. Trev took down 3 liters of the 4th best beer in Germany and promised untold riches to all of the interns. While I suspect said bonuses will be paid in "Trev Fun Dollars," the crew is even more fired up for this year than I could ever guess. After a lazy sunday morning rehydrating, I went to the office to catch up on some of Mr. Alberts' legal work and saw the guys fast at work with a few new amenities.

• An entire offseason's worth of slothful and chaotic filth had been tidied up, including that goat living in the ladies' restroom. Until we meet again, Stevie Nicks.
• The office 2007 dynasty was completely configured with an ACC full of humorous coaching names, robust scheduling, and a full dry-erase schedule. More to come on that.
• They consolidated all of Trev's outstanding lawsuits into one efficient class-action. That's going to save tons of time.
• A shiny new digital camera was purchased for the archiving of shenanigans.
  
• The DVD library was reorganized by pop-culture reference...what can one say of such men?
• Last but not least, the gang installed a brand new 24 clock in my office. If I wasn't already excited for the new season, now my anticipation is accompanied by Jack Bauer's infamous *beep BEEP beep BEEP* Classic.

Welcome to the longest week of the offseason. There's never enough time!



-irishoutsider

Get jacked for the season

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Hey kid, maybe when you're done pal-ing around with your fellow blog geeks, you can get back to fixing your freaking network. This blackout business is strictly amateur. I haven't been able to get the message out to the clones in days. What's the deal? Get it done. Oh, and I don't care how strung out you guys are over there either, you can't put my domination on hold. Rack me.

The season is fast approaching, clones. I've been preparing around the house here on the left coast by practicing my various vocal inflections while working in a new regimen of dramatic pauses. Brilliant. Love It. Football. It doesn't really carry over to the page, but just know that I'm burning on a whole new level out here. As I predicted, you computer types are cranking it up out there as well. The latest batch of fan previews is top-notch. If you can't get up for these clips, you don't have a pulse...or you hate nu-metal.....yes. See that? Good. Pause.

It's been flaoting around for a while now, but the Gamecocks set the tone with some nice classic Van Haggar.


Speeding it up a bit is the Florida Gators. Honestly guys, I'm proposing a 5-year ban on Drowning Pool highlights. I'm looking at you SEC.



Last and certainly not least, don't think I haven't seen this gem. Columbus. Seriously. Stop. It.



I've got nothing to work with here, people. We need to kick the tires on this season so we can get past all of this random speculation and move on to more important things like random expectations. Also, I'd like to see what happens when some hopes start getting dashed. That's when the real teeth come out.

Jim Rome is the host of "Rome is Burning." It is not nearly as entertaining as "Viking Challenge."

Broadband appeal

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Apparently, CSTV has a website. On a professional level, I think that is awesome. Way to get with the interweb times and such. Personally, this really steams my potatoes. While the thought of my visage roaming the electronic airwaves to delight and bewilder countless adoring, hopefully female, fans is a tantalizing thought, I have to say this whole computer thing vexes me. Those suits better realize that the extent of my so-called techno savvy is limited to MACC's Oregon Trail.

Daybreak-We set a course for Oregon, hilarity ensued.

It has come to my attention that roughly 5% of the connected college football fanbase will not be able to access my internet analysis. If I could wager a guess to why this is, I think the network was gambling on a high correlation of Mac users and sports-hating sissies. This, combined with CSTV's relatively low television base, means that roughly 50,000 of you will have access to anything I do this season. Crystal Ball can be seen...um...sometime during the season, right after Big Ten Women's Water Polo and before 16 hours of Bowflex infomercials.

In the meantime, anyone holding me responsible may make an appointment with the kid, and we can schedule those groin kicks at my earliest convenience.

Trev Alberts is a little-known CSTV correspondent. He can carry more than 100 pounds of meat.

Magpies close to completing Keller deal

(I spotted this coming across the wire from England. Hopefully it will shed a little bit of light on the controversy out in Tempe.-IO)

Newcastle United hope to complete the £10million transfer of Arizona State quarterback
Sam Keller (HT:The Wiz) by the end of the day.

With Shearer and Owen out of the picture, Newcastle sets its sights on Keller to run the attack.

Magpies boss Glenn Roeder is confident of landing the 21-year-old Arizonan
despite reports that Portsmouth have attempted to hijack his move.

Club officials were in America today putting the final touches to the deal and
hope to return with the player within the next 24 hours.

Roeder said: 'We have got club officials out there today in Tempe trying to
tie the deal up.

'I think we are virtually there with an agreement with the player, the club
and agents.

'There is quite a bit of paperwork to be done today and we will be rushing
around trying to get that all signed up so that hopefully, either very late
tonight or first thing in the morning, we can bring Keller back with us.

'It's too early to say, `Yes, he's signed up' because officially, he has not.
But we are very positive over what's going to happen by the end of play
today.'

Asked about Pompey's reported intervention, he added: 'I never worry about
speculation at all. I only concern myself with what we are doing.

'As far as I am concerned, as long as the paperwork goes through today, he
will be our man and not only Portsmouth, but any other club, will have to look
elsewhere for a striker.'

Newcastle confirmed yesterday they had agreed a fee with ASU for a player
Roeder has been tracking for much of the summer.

He and chairman Freddy Shepherd have considered a series of options as they
look to add firepower following the retirement of Alan Shearer and Michael
Owen's serious knee injury.

Darren Bent, Jermain Defoe and Dirk Kuyt all warranted serious consideration,
but Keller looks to be their man.

Shola Ameobi played as a lone striker in the 2-1 Premiership victory
over Wigan on Saturday, but is struggling with hip and hamstring injuries ahead
of tomorrow night's UEFA Cup qualifier against Latvian side Ventspils.

Keller's arrival - he could make his debut at Aston Villa on Sunday - would
give the club a huge boost as they continue their rebuilding programme.

Roeder was giving little away on his remaining targets, which are thought to
include Real Madrid midfielder Thomas Gravesen and Chelsea full-back Wayne
Bridge, but he admitted Keller is unlikely to be the last new face.

The OC

It has come to my attention that not everyone out there is familiar with how the office is run, so I got the OK from Trev to post our organizational chart. It'll be on the sidebar for future reference.






















-irishoutsider

Tighten it up, kid.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I've been forced to prop up the kid via a system of pulleys in order to keep the peace around here. We can't have anyone thinking our fearless editor is not up to the task, or all hell would break loose. Lord knows the interns are already frothing at the mouth over thoughts of weekend benders and pre-season tailgating. There's been a grill out front for at least six days now, and the festivities show no signs of slowing down any time soon. From an official standpoint, as the head man here at FireMarkMay, I condemn their lack of discipline despite the relative dearth of recent news. Unofficially, hell yes, guys. Hell. Yes.

Not even news of the Jewish Mafia bankrolling Maurice Clarett's phenomenonal

I'm not drunk. I'm just exhausted 'cause I've been up all night drinking.

escapades has been able to get irish to snap out of his week-long bender. So desperate for drunken, sports-centric hooliganism, our little guy has been getting his competitive fix from Major League Soccer of all places? (Chicago Fire: summertime heckling, cursing, and tailgating. Why isn't every off-season college fan on top of this?-irish) I've hooked him up on an IV containing my own mixture of Red Bull and Sparks energy drinks in order to keep things running smoothly around here. His endocrine system should hold out for at least a few more days, kid's got a motor.

He's got to get it together as we have big plans on the horizon. As we've already mentioned, the show's going back on the road this Labor Day weekend, and we're fixing to descend upon Atlanta for the ND-Georgia Tech opener. Orson Swindle, Atlantean (Atlantonite? Atlantonian? Atlantan?), has given the WWW a heads up on the rich history of Atlanta and a how-to football guide that can't be beat. We're going to be firing up the Trev Mobile 1 again, and, hopefully, you'll all be privy to the sights and sounds of our adventures in the deep south. Brian from The House Rock Built will be teaming up with our editor, ensuring plenty of shenanigans. The average night on the town with that guy usually involves Jager, karaoke, and the Canadian national anthem, sometimes simultaneously. College football, public transportation, and Dragon-Con '06 are merely fuel for this perfect storm of collaborative blogging. Entries into the Andy French Cup are a damn near certainty given the circumstances.

That's all for now. Remember, it's never to early to start tailgating, but please, time your drinking accordingly.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN desk man. He is currently perfecting his bratwurst cooking technique.

Some quick business

Sorry about the lack of recent activity, everyone. Mr. Alberts has thrown a bunch on my desk this week, and all of it is to be finished immeidately at my earliest convenience, no overtime pay (TBFIAYECNOP for short), so I've kind of got my hands full at the moment.

Here's some of the things in the pipe for your upcoming consumption:

• The site is headed on the road again, this time to Atlanta for the ND-GTech opener. We're deeply in the midst of coordinating all of our travel plans. Trev's recent infatuation with liquid-based male beauty products has thrown yet another wrench in our concerns. I really don't feel like checking all of those bags.
• It has come to our attention that not everyone is down with the FireMarkMay.com orginizational chart (FMM.C:OC or the OC for short) so we'll be getting that out to you all as soon as I can get an accurate head count around here. Bloo has been put in charge of rounding up the troops, so this could take a while.
• Lastly, hilarity has been put on hiatus as Trev took the photoshop PC to his house during a few of his "personal days," so he needs to tighten it up and get it back here. These JoePa parodies aren't rendering themselves, you know.
  

I wouldn't be an honest member of the blogosphere if I didn't also throw in that "Snakes on a Plane" is also weighing heavily on the staff's minds. It's like Xmas Eve all over the interweb. I have to make sure we ordered enough 40's for Friday.

-irishoutsider

Escaped robot becomes sportswriter, film at 11:00

By Johnny 5
Nova Laboratories, Inc.

**Simmons module engaged, uploading college football parameters .....complete. Begin weekly column.**

The Sports Guy Goes to an Auction

So I'm sitting there the other day watching ESPN Classic and I see that 2005 USC-ND game is on again. There is nobody, with the possible exception of Pete Carroll, that I dislike more than Matt Leinart. In the pantheon of people that 'Make the Sports Guy Annoyed,' these two are a 'Jim Rome'.

The phone rings. It's my friend Bish. fuming! Bish is always willing to discuss our mutual distaste for Matt Leinart. Don't get me wrong--we respect his abilities. But he's the Horshach of sports. Totally annoying, yet on TV all the time. Bish mentions that it would be nice if Matt Leinart caught a case of cholera at the beginning of September, paving the way for the Niners to the playoffs like Maurice Clarett on Grey Goose.

Bish points out that the chances that Matt Leinart will come down with cholera in September are minimal, but that if we expanded the possibilities, there would be a greater chance for debilitating success. As usual, Bish is a crazy genius.

Here is what we came up with:

4. Matt Leinart receives a vicious frog splash from Tom Brady in front of 40,000 fans jammed into the Meadowlands.

(On a side note, has there ever been a greater moment in sports than when the Steiner Brothers beat the Rockers? I don't even care if it was fake, that was wicked. That rivals Gene Hackman's speech in "Hoosiers" for 'Most Inspirational Non-Real Sports Moment 2006.)

3. Matt Leinart is informed by his girlfriend that their child was not fathered by him but rather by either any kicker from Florida State or Dennis Franchione.

2. Matt Leinart hangs scrapbook-style clippings of Brandon Walsh and Billy Zabka in his locker and is immediately put on the DL.

1. Matt Leinart meets Rudy from "Survivor", falls in love, and leaves team to begin filming a Nick Lachey biopic.

After we finish with the conversation about Matt Leinart we turn ourselves to the real topic of conversation, the upcoming draft of the Holly Rowe is Sexy Memorial Football Association, a new fantasy league that Bish and I will be joining this year.

Ordinarily, I'm never an advocate of partnering up to own a fantasy college team. That's like getting picked up by Paris Hilton and going back to her place, only to find out that Shawn Kemp is already there. If the best you get is to share, sometimes it's not worth it at all, right?

However, this league only had one slot open, so Bish and I agreed to partner up, in the hope that one of us could switch over and manage the next vacancy. After much debate, and eliminating the excellent possibilities of 'Naked Jenga with mango chutney salsa' and 'Charlie Weis's Shiny Sportsbook as potential team names, we settle on 'Flutie's Flakes.'

It's basically a winners pool. Take each program's record and add 'em up. Best record wins. The thing that's exciting about this league is that it's an auction format league, which is totally different than a draft league. I mean, it seems as though it would be the same as a draft league, but it's not. It's like the difference between NHL 93 and NHL 94-you take out fighting and add one-timers, you've got a whole different game, even if they are both hockey. Any good sports fan knows that Alabama has won the last 55 national championships but not everyone knows how to do an auction.

Pre-Auction preparation is important. First, it is important to choose a date when the auction will take place. This is easy. Choose the date when the whipped guy does not have to go to a stranger's wedding, and that's your date. Finding the whipped-guy-can-make-it date is crucial for auction success. (speaking of which, what is with all these girlfriends who think that 'fantasy draft' is code for 'I'm going to have my buddies over to watch Loverboy perform musical theater while eating a bananna? Though that would be cool.)

Next, and more difficult, is the auction location selection. Many times people will choose to have their auction in a sportsbar. This is a bad idea. Nothing good can come of this; at the end of the day every person in the room is going to be fighting drunk and have an extremely sore back after four hours on a crappy barstool.

No, the auction must be held in someone's house-biggest furnished basement wins. The coolness of the wife/significant other can be a deciding factor if two people have similar options-say, if owner A has Xbox360 NCAA Football 2007, but owner B has a case of Natural Light. Nothing will kill a fun evening faster than the host's wife emasculating him with a 'I don't know how you can spend that much money on a fantasy league.' We have selected next Tuesday night, at 8 pm, at a guy's house where his wife will be at "hip-hop pilates", and therefore unable to disrupt the festivities.

I will not be sharing with you my team ratings for this coming season-after all, Tommy Tuberville doesn't play poker with the hand face up-but I will give you some insight into my auction strategy. The thing is, an auction has so much more of an influence on your season than a draft does. In an auction, every player in the league is at your disposal. Everyone starts out equal. It's the national socialism of fantasy sports.

It's also like a watching a 4-hour ND game on NBC. It requires endurance, it requires stamina, it requires concentration and planning. Without further ado, here is my 'Sports Guy Auction Strategy Guide':

Round One-establish your jab

Once the auction starts, timing and strategy are much more important than they are in a traditional draft. The first hour or so of the auction has to be spent feeling out your opponents. Are they particularly loyal to the Oregon Ducks? Do they have a tendency toward being a Boston College "superfan"? You are looking for weaknesses that you can exploit later on. Store these like ticket stubs.

Everyone is going to get some good teams at this point, so make sure you don't overpay and find yourself begging for money like Johnny Drama asking for Vinny Chase's AMEX Black.

Round Two-Have a Sense of Criminology

In round two, there will be one moment that defines your draft. Things will be going along smoothly, and all of a sudden you'll get involved in a bidding war on a team. It's not unlike a big pot in a no-limit hold-em tournament-you'll have your Danny LaRusso-Johnny All Valley Karate Tournament moment, and you need to decide what to do.

Oftentimes, this will come down to a single dollar, here or there-if you bid $50 for Florida, you know you'll get them, but you're facing a bid with the clock ticking. Are you going to be a hero, carried off the field like Joe Montana? Or are you Tyrone Willingham, skulking off the field into the jeering history of your team's fans, with only your family still willing to speak with you. Now is your moment. Set the tone.

Round Three-Moving Day

Hour three of the draft is moving day, like the third day of the Western Open. You need to shoot a 68. This is where you'll fill out a lot of the teams that, while less sexfully endowed, make up the core of your team. Do not discount the importance of moving day. If you wait until the next phase to build the core of your team, you'll find yourself as lonely as the USC Song Girls at a Song Guy party.

Moving day is the time to make things happen for your team. This is where you are going to define the season that you have. If you end up moving day by taking an accurate mix of under-the-radar, sleeper picks, and Central Florida, you'll be okay.

Round Four-The Game of Trivial Pursuit

By the end of the fantasy auction, the endeavor has become ginormous. The only thing it can be compared to is a game of Trivial Pursuit, played among friends. Something that, at the beginning of the endeavor, seemed like such fun, but by the end of it, is just a group of people banging their heads against the wall, adamantly trying to finish what they started, the joy of competing against your friends replaced with a desire to prove that you are the Baron of All Trivia and that is that.

In this phase of the auction, you must be careful. This is the 'go get your *bleeping* shinebox' moment of the draft. People will be exploding like gas trucks in a Bruckheimer movie, screaming incomprehensible things like Ed Orgeron and threatening to punch something if they do not get their way.

Just bite your lip, set your jaw, and try and endure. It's a long season coming forward.

'Who's the wild man, now?'

**Output completed. It is safe to shut down your computer.**

Johnny 5 is the latest addition to the FireMarkMay.com staff following 4-6 weeks shipping and handling. He is currently in charge of input.

Glory is overrated

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

For months, I've had my interns and other various lackeys hold vigil at the red phone in my office. Every minute of every day, they waited. They waited for the call from the College Football Hall of Fame that I so richly deserve. Last night, the kid finally got up the nerve to break me the bad news himself. While I was packing my bags for South Bend, prepared to step in to be enshrined should any candidate fail to uphold his duties, my editor told me the heartbreaking truth. Not only was I not elected as even an alternate, but Mark May would be elected this weekend.

I don't think I need to tell you all how I dealt with this news, but I can safely say that I am over it now. Why would I want to be in a class that included Mark May? I'd have to stand up there, like a dink, and listen to one of his lame speeches about how awesome his Pitt teams were. If I'm lucky, some really bad analysis at various press functions would be sure to follow. Pass.

There are more important things to attend to as the offseason wanes. There are mascots to analyze, alcoholic sidekicks to interview, and ice cream bars to sell! Not to mention, I have to take a few spins of the Myles Brand wheel to mete out some Trev justice to those interns who didn't tell me I got snubbed! On top of all of that, I've got to start hitting the books if I'm going to make a good impression to those guys over at CSTV's Crystal Ball. I haven't bothered to learn the studio guys names yet, but you have to start somewhere.


Trev Alberts is a former ESPN anchorman. He attempted to bribe the Hall of Fame voters with "Trev Fun Dollars."

Hot Seat: Grey Goose comes clean

By The Budweiser Hot Seat
ESPN.com

Pleasant afternoon, everyone. A former star, fallen from glory, his escpades now seen only on the police blotter. A career in shambles, every step of the way, one friend was there to see it all. From Maurice Clarett's gridiron greatness at THE Ohio State Univerisity through his trials and tribulations with THE Denver Broncos, one friend was constantly at his side. Today, in an exclusive to FireMarkMay.com, it has decided to clear the air. Gentlemen and a sparse number of ladies, I present to you, Grey Goose vodka. Mr. Goose, an honor to have you here.

Thanks, Hot Seat. It's good to be here.

Grey Goose, I'll cut right to it. What was it like being in that car with Maurice? Your life, your very life, hanging in the balance?

It was intense. I mean, he told me we were going to the store, right? I thought, 'Great, maybe we'll pickup a few honeys for me and my friends in the cabinet.' Next thing I know, Mo's loading his rifle and strapping on a bulletproof vest. We pile into the SUV, punch the gas, and he starts hitting me like I'm going out of style.

Grey Goose vodka, the clearest of the clear liquors, makes an unexpected weekday visit to our offices.

Fascinating. So you had no idea what was going on?

Hell, no! He throws me onto the seat and I'm like 'WHOA, is that a freaking hatchet?!' Things started to escalate pretty quickly after that. I start to take a look around and see all of the other things he's got piled up in there, and then, I knew my life was in danger. I was either going to end up smashed on the side of I-70, or drained within an inch of my life.

Sitting there, barrelling down the road. What was going through your mind?

I had to get out of there. But how? Maybe if we drove around for a while, he'd tire out, or get lost, or calm down. It was a risky move, but I saw some highway patrol following us, and I knew I had to get their attention, so I grabbed the wheel from Maurice and U-turned right towards them.

Yes, well that would definitely get a rise out of them. Tell us about the arrest.

That's when things got real scary, fast. They couldn't taser Mo through the vest, see, so they brought out the mace, and that still wasn't enough. At that point, I thought I was a goner. A stray taser or a fling from Maurice and I was done for. I was lucky to get through it without much more than a lost cap.

I'm sure it's been a rough day for you, Grey, but, before you go, is this the end of you and Maurice Clarett?

I don't really see that happening, Hot Seat. I mean, my boy's got a mean streak to him, but he's always treating me right. He takes me everywhere, out to the bars in Columbus. He even tried to sneak me into some NFL workouts. I may take a little time off, but I'm sure I'll be back in the middle of it sooner or later. I'm only around until I run out. I might as well make the most of it. Thanks, for having me on, Hot Seat.

Thank you for letting us tell your story, Goose. You are officially off the Hot Seat.

The Budweiser Hot Seat can be seen everytime a Disney movie needs a push on SportsCenter. It is currently doubling as a coat rack in Trev's office.

Lists and Links

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The kid got in his shot at a top ten list. It's good, but it's not Trev Alberts good. I think it's time for me to throw my hat into dark, mysterious void of the top 11-25. The guesses will be most likely half-wrong, and everyone expects them to be. This is definitely my speed. Here goes:

11. Georgia
12. Iowa
13. V-Tech
14. Michigan
15. Oregon
16. Tennessee
17. Florida State
18. Louisville
19. Nebraska
20. Alabama
21. Penn State
22. Oklahoma
23. TCU
24. Clemson
25. Texas Tech

Judging almost entirely on who I think dominates in NCAA 2007, but there is some method to my madness. Teams 11-17 are undoubtedly talented, and are basically interchangeable. I like Georgia's defense, and the entire group is plenty talented. If a team like Iowa, Oregon, or Tennessee start to become BCS dark horses, I wouldn't be surprised at all. After Florida State, each team has a one-dimensional feel. Teams like Penn State, TCU, and Texas Tech are no slouches, but top 25 is a safer pick than top 10. Besides, Texas Tech's Xbox playbook is NOT as fun as you would think.

Onto the links, we have a new addition to the anti-Mark May family of networks. I would like to extend a hearty interweb handshake to MarkMayBeWrong. A few ND grad students are starting up a more statistical take on the world of punditry, and we here salute them in all of their suck-o-meter filled adventures.

However, since they are ND graduate students, I am obliged by law to post the following:


Trev Alberts is a future CSTV correspondent. He is almost always half-wrong.

Maurice Clarett gets 4 stars on GTA

By Kirk Herbstreit
ESPN.com

Shocking news out of Ohio today as former Buckeye star, Maurice Clarett was arrested early this morning after a brief police chase in Columbus. The Wizard of Odds was on top of this, as always, and he's got the inside track on where to follow this story as it develops.

According to the link at 10tv.com, authorities tried to subdue Clarett with a Taser, but it had no effect, as the former running back was wearing a bulletproof vest. A search of his car revealed a loaded rifle and three loaded handguns in the front of the vehicle. Clarett is currently awaiting trial for an armed robbery charge from an incident in January.

The 5th star is Jack Bauer. You do not want a 5th star.

I still want to know how you get all the way to full-scale police chase, stop sticks and all, from pulling an illegal U-turn.

(UPDATE: Deadspin fills in some of the blanks for us. Clarett was driving recklessly, THEN U-turned. He also had a hatchet and a half-empty bottle of Grey Goose in his SUV. Checking, wasn't this the beginning to Lethal Weapon 4?)

Yeah, the cop was right there, but that's only like one star on San Andreas. You keep running, that's two, maybe three, if he hits the cop, but you have to think that they go away if he can lose them in an alley or something. There have to be plenty of spray shops in Columbus, and I'm sure Maurice's car has one of those sweet GPS radar gizmos. What happened?

Overall, this entire story is quite sad. Clarett's downward slide since the 2002 title game is moving from unfortunate to tragic to downright Tyson-esque. Stay tuned to the blogs to see how this pans out, but this feels like Clarett's second strike.


Kirk Herbstreit can be seen guarding Corso's hats on ESPN's College Gameday. He is currently driving a... car of some sort, heading in the direction of, uh, you know, that place that sells chili. Suspect is hatless. Repeat, hatless.

Challenges accepted

Ok, I just had to get my first real dose of the 2006 season. Thank you, internet, for all of your Irish press conference splendor.

The chaos of college football humor, in motorcycle form.

The wheels are starting to turn all around the college football blogosphere, which I believe would resemble Ringling Bros. Circus' "Globe of Death" if ever constructed. There are plenty of interesting diversions to keep us all busy during these final days of the offseason.

Orson Swindle has dropped the preseason gauntlet and unveiled EDSBS' top 10 (11-25 coming soon). He's placing Notre Dame and Florida in the teens in a logical "you have to show me" move striaght out of Herbie's playbook. Like Trev said a few weeks back, any moron can top a ten, but the guys are savvy in their pre-season jinxing and tempered expectations.

Off the top of my head, here's my crack at the preseason top ten:

1. Ohio State
2. Texas
3. USC
4. Notre Dame
5. West Virginia
6. Auburn
7. LSU
8. Cal
   
9. Florida
   
10. Miami of Florida

It's as unscientific as most preseason guesses, there's some scheduling bias and a hell of a lot of momentum. Miami is in for the "2 teams from Florida" rule, and the Trojans are ahead of the Irish for karma purposes and the very real fact that, while my confidence is improved, I still need to see the defense at full speed.

But enough of that nonsense, and on to the real competition this fall, The Andy French Cup! Fightinamish over at The House Rock Built has created a voicemail (and Skype) account for the sole purpose of capturing college football's greatest rants. He's raised the bar for us all, and I guarantee you this site is up to the challenge. I'm not guaranteeing victory per se, but alcohol, cell phones, and college football are involved.

It's On.




-irishoutsider

This could take a while.

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Officially entering the calm before the storm here at the office. The offseason banter is slowly shifting from baseless rumor to preseason analysis, and we're gearing up for the stretch. The kid has been watching his fearless leader's first presser on an endless loop. I'm starting to worry about him. He keeps wandering around the office, muttering to himself about the Irish two-deep, charting out 4-2-5 defenses on the whiteboards, and poring over Phil Steele like it's the Da Vinci codecs.

More on the imminent deluge of football know-how as it comes in, but for now, all quiet on the Trevian front. In the meantime, enjoy EDSBS' tribute to football advent, and remember, you can't call it the Apache linebacker anymore.

Imaginary Claims

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

Hello there. The fine fine team here at FireMarkMay.com have signed me up to shed some light on these negative recruiting rumors bubbling up on the message boards. As you may know, there's been a lot of talk this offseason about coaches talking down their competition to impressionable recruits. A good example of this is the rumor regarding Charlie Weis knocking down Clemson to Jamie Cumbie. The latest unconfirmed blather out of the midwest is this crazy thread.

Well, well, well. If we're going to start circulating wild, unsubstantiated drivel, you might want to have an imaginary writer, like me, on your team. Try a few of these on for size, internet board jockeys!

• Michigan's Lloyd Carr carries hot buttered biscuits in his pants at all times!
• Ed Orgeron shotguns two cans of Sparks malt energy drink before every Ole Miss team function.
  
• Notre Dame Head Coach Charlie Weis worships Pan, the goat God!
• USC's Pete Carroll thinks the Highlander was a documentary, and that the events happened in real time.
• Longhorn coach Mack Brown's favorite food is urugula salad with a light balsamic vinagrette.
• Urban Meyer's first three choices for Gator DC were all Beanie Babies!
• The Washington Huskies start each practice with karaoke. Tyrone Willingham's favorite selection is "Come Sail Away."
• Joe Paterno grinds peasants' bones to make his bread.
• Bobby Bowden promotes local bumfights in his spacious backyard.
• Tennessee's Phil Fulmer likes to play strip poker with every freshman signing class.

Blooregard Q. Kazoo is completely imaginary. His mad Xbox skills are not.

Breaking News: Scandal may have extraordinary magnitude

By Muppet Newscaster
ESPN News

Good morning, everyone! This is an ESPN News flash! The LA Daily News (HT: EDSBS/The Wiz) is reporting that USC safety Brandon Ting tested positive for steroids last winter, making him ineligible for this season. Brandon has left the team with his twin brother, Ryan, to focus on medical school applications. Their father, Dr. Arthur Ting, is a bay area orthopedic surgeon with ties to Giants slugger, Barry Bonds.

This newscaster, for one, can tell what's going on here. This potentially dark web of mystery and drug-related intrigue may very well be traced back to another bay area physician...the evil Dr. Klahn!


Dr. Klahn could not be reached by telephone, but we left a message on his machine, and he assured us that we had his gratitude. More on this story as it develops...

Tell me, tell me where I'm going

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The momentum keeps on rolling for the Trev-man. Apologies to the rest of the staff, but I am on a roll here. Between the 10,000 hits and the discovery of German bier, it was already a momentous week, but now it turns out I just got hired by CSTV! I don't really recall entering into any kind of negotiations or anything, but thank goodness I gave the kid power of attorney.

So, let's take a look here...Ok...CSTV....got it...mmm-hmm...yeah...trailer, I like that...ok...Chris Rix....What? Chris Rix?!? THE Chris Rix? He graduated? I figured he'd be on his second Jason White year by now. Ok....Chris Rix. What else do we have here? Johnathan Coachman. That name sounds so familiar...Wait. "The Coach?" You have got to be freaking kidding me. What kind of operation have you gotten me into kid?

At least I can get back to doing what I love, analyzing. CSTV is going to have me on "Crystal Ball," whatever the hell that is, and I'll be doing...correspondence? COME ON! I'm going to be doing live remotes to two studio schmoes I've never heard of?!? We'll just see about that...

Anyway, it's good to be back, college football world. Don't think for a second this new so-called success of mine is the end of the road. Trev's crusade is more than one man's quest for personal vengeance...well, actually, it is...but it can be so much more. In honor of this latest step of my journey, I give you one of the greatest American rock bands, STYX, and their reflective rock ballad, Crystal Ball.



Trev Alberts is a former ESPN desk-man. He doesn't get CSTV in his area.