MGoBlog predicts Blisstonia for 2007 Irish

Brian of MGoBlog fame has made a rather apt comparison in his responses to our bootleg roundtable:

"Notre Dame fans could, with only a little prodding, end up building Charlie Weis a spaceship so he can fly them to salvation."

Charlie Weis, ND's own Robot Genius, the center of Robot Catholicism, the rock that the molder rejected, does bear a striking resembelance to The Simpsons' cult leader, The Leader, of the Movementarians. We Fark, You Decide.


-irishoutsider

Roll Trev Roll!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The glory of Trev knows no bounds, interweb! In just a scant 14 months, we've hit six figures on the odometer! Hell to the yes! Hell yes, I say! 100,000 visitors to this monument to college football, me, Sparks malt beverage, Kool-Aid, me, Epcot, and more college football!

I have to give thanks to the blogging community at large, you all know who you are. But, more importantly, you all know who I am. Every cult following needs a cult leader, so thank you for letting me be your High Holy Grand Wizard of the 33rd Level of the Trev. Furthermore, this site would be nothing without the painstaking care, maintenance, and sobering presence of the kid. The next time I throw a whiskey bottle at your head, Irish, I'll try to miss, but just the one time.

Lastly, most recent handslapping goes to the fine, fine fans of the Alabama Crimson Tide. What can I say? It was just a random rundown in the middle of June, but thanks for believing in me. Basically, I just wanted an excuse to post this. Enjoy.



Trev Alberts is an honorary merchant marine. He knows that the Kirby Silver Surfer is the only true Surfer.

Trevonics: Summer common sense breakdown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Rich creamery butter! It's not even July yet, and we've got a slate of mouth-watering schedule treats to savor from SI's own Stewart Mandel. I'm not going to go toe to toe with the nice legitimate journalist about his selections. I'll just say they are a bit conservative and leave it at that. Fair and equitable, that SI is....yeah thats not a palindrome....anyway, because I'm feeling exceptionally handicapable today let's have some fun. Combining two of our favorite offseason pastimes, arbitrary lists and wild speculation, dust off the scoreboard!

2006 Season:
Straight Up: 85-32
Against the Spread: 64-50-2

Remember, all lines are strictly for entertainment only. Any action on said fictional lines will be considered dead on arrival, and for his safety, the kid has been locked up in the supply closet. It's for his own good.

Nov. 29th Louisville (-6.5) vs.Rutgers
Sorry, Rutgers, I'm not seeing it this year. Yes, you will have a fine season. No, I don't see last year happening again. Every team on the rise has its share of stumbles, and you, my friends, will have plenty this year as we all remember what "regressing to the mean" is talking about. Louisville, if healthy, should have more than enough firepower to stretch Papa John's field like the easily attainably pizza dough metaphor I just attempted.
Trev's pick: Louisville (and it'll be a "blackout game", mark my words)

Nov. 23rd Hawaii (-3.5) vs. Boise State
The Colt Brennan Show gets a very special season finale before struggling with obscurity in the holiday break. Boise State, jetlagged from long travels, film script pitches, and other assorted tie-ins to recent fame, will fall in a classic WAC squeaker, 56-52. You can call it the NCAA curse, Mr. Zabransky.
Trev's pick: Hawaii

Sep. 29th Alabama (+6.5) at Florida State
The official Nick Saban bandwagon starts here. I'm positive that the line will be screwed up for multiple reasons, FSU home game, "unproven Saban," light preceding opponents, etc etc, and the two teams will be equally hyped in opposite directions. FSU, possibly dismantling Clemson and looking forward to playing out the remainder of their "3 game season" might get caught up in the hype more than Alabama, and that's basically what this game will boil down to. 'Bama, likely having worked out the wrinkles against Arkansas and Georgia, flies in "under the radar."
Trev's pick: Alabama

Oct. 6th Oklahoma (+3.5) vs. Texas
The Red River Shootout is a "must-see" game. Shocking. Oklahoma has Phil Steele mojo, despite not really having a quarterback nailed down. Colt McCoy, if that is his real name, keeps the line unreasonable, and I won't have to split the pick. Moving on.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Sep. 15h Nebraska (+13.5) vs Southern Cal
In reality, this line won't be that high. It will be much much higher. Trojan euphoria is once again sweeping the nation, and even the Poodle will march into the very gates of bright red Husker Hell Itself, everyone this side of Omaha will have his back. Heck, the anti-Callahan cult might just be pulling for him too. I think my boys keep it close, but even now, I don't see any reason to keep this pick intact. Southern Cal: really good. I think I read that some where.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Nov. 3rd. Alabama (-3.5) vs. LSU
Speaking of red-based hell, Alabama. 92,000 plus worshipping their new Dark Lord Saban vs. an entire parish of Louisiana's finest voodoo practitioners, the darkness will be insurmountable. The shakers will blot out the sun. By now, the Bama's Back Bandwagon could be rolling at full speed, and the momentum may be too much to overcome. LSU begins their "best 1 loss team" campaign on Nov. 4th.
Trev's pick: Alabama

Nov. 10th Wisconsin (-2.5) vs. Michigan
November is shaping up to be a sumptuous feast of football armageddon. Regardless of the Badgers season, I'm pulling for another good one, this game has been circled at Camp Randall for some time right now. Although Michigan looks like it can keep up its new juggernaut reputation, nothing will be able to overcome the Miller-fueled masses. Top 5 team vs. top 5 party school. Get the eff out of this game's way.
Trev's pick: Wisconsin

Nov. 8th West Virginia (+3.5) vs. Louisville
Keeping with the riding the home teams, I have to get behind Morgantown. Rather, I'd love to get Morgantown behind me. Something about that place at night just seems so...so...unwholesome. Not slowing down too much and moving on, I like WfnVU in a moonshine-based slobber knocker.
Trev's Pick: West f'n Virginia

Nov. 10th Cal (+3.5) vs. Southern Cal
Here's where it all comes crashing down for the football landscape. Cal has got the tools, the home field, and at this point, an entire country behind them. The stage will be set for a Southern Cal loss to unleash unholy BCS doomsday upon the system, and I'm already pulling for it. Hard. No quarter. The state will flow with the blood of the nonbelievers.
Trev's pick: California

Oct. 6th LSU (-2.5) vs. Florida
Remember all of that mojo from earlier? Well, here it is. All of the great made-up storylines from the other 9 games rolled into one extreme clash of evil. Death Valley at night, LSU seeking revenge, a touted Tiger team, and Tim Tebow alone at the helm. Holy. Crap. Did I mention some of the strongest cocktails south of the Mason-Dixon line? Hurricanes, Hand Grenades, and darkness. Lots of darkness. Many people have the Gators pegged for a fall, and its going to start right here. 4 out of 5 witch doctors approve.
Trev's pick: LSU

Of course, I'm going to look back on this as early as say...Labor Day, and say "What was I on?" At least we'll all know that answer. Jager. Obvious.

Trev Alberts is an apprentice witch doctor. He's currently working on minor hexes and making Nick Saban's head bleed.

Making things right

By Arnold "Iron Flanks" Murphy
Strength and Conditioning Coach, Penn State

These young folk today have no respect for the fine footballing tradition here at Penn State! Back when Coach Paterno and I started this program, there was zero tolerance for this kind of shenanigans (HT: Pitt Tribune-Review). In those days, you even stepped out of line one inch, ONE INCH, and we shipped you off to Ypers. Don't wear a tie to team dinner? Off you go! Here's your doughboy hat, enjoy giving Gerry the what-for. That'll teach 'em. Builds character! Discipline! And not to mention various resistances to outdoor allergens, which is so important more and more these days.

Now, we've got ten so-called men crawling back home to momma after pushing around a few poindexters at the local soda fountain! Feh! I'm not too concerned with the whole nature of the offense, but just the sheer disgrace of it all. That's not the kind of athlete we try to groom here at Penn State. All of this talk about administrators, governance oversight committees, and other arglebargles keeping the pencilneck set puttering around our factory. I can't do my job, we can't get to work, if every time I start calling for squat thrusts, I've got some argyle sweater set penny loafer type clearing his throat like a fancy lad. There's not going to be any sissy stuff like that in Ol' Flanky's house.

When these kids get back for summer practice, they're going to wish they never got caught. They're going to learn the true meaning of grit. They're going to be in the trenches. They are going to get nice and grimy in the noonday sun. Now, I can't ship them off to war like back in the old days, what with only these namby-pamby police actions lately, so I'm going to have to take the reins myself, pull tight, and make them beg for mercy. Joe's got the whole lot of them cleaning up the stadium and such, and I think that's a good start. The true fundamentals of this game can be found in a commitment to the custodial arts. Rockne knew it, Bryant knew it, and Coach knows it.

Excessive resistance training has been known to cause
a misbalance of the posterior lumbars. Safety First.
That's just the start, in my book. If this lot of simpletons think they're balanced in my libros, they've got another thing coming! First things first, we're going to start at dawn with my old friend the 110 gasser. I think 5 or 6 of those bad boys ought to wake them right up. Then, it's straight to the old-standby, deep knee bends superseded by squat thrusts. I know all about your burpees, resistance ropes, and other new-age remedies, but I'm swearing by the standby. Served me well for nigh on 80 years, and I can leg press a Chevy Nova, I tell you. After that, we're going to work on our coordination by preparing lunch for the training table. Potatoes, carrots, rutebegas, and anything else I can get their peely little hands on. It's going to make quite a stew. Finally, I'm going to end with a nice 10 mile jog in full gear, no canteens, a little bit of rowing as I coxswain, leftovers for dinner, then everyone scrubs up for 5pm chapel. After asking sweet lord Jesus to forgive our accusers for touching themselves at night, its off to bed. Just before lights out at 7, everyone reports to Coach for one, swift strike to the solarplexus. That'll teach yinz, and it aids in nightime digestion.

Coach Murphy is America's oldest living strength coach. In his day, they trained by tilling fields alongside the oxen.

What's all this, then?

By Brig. Richard Pembroke, Ret. MES
The FA

Enough of this slapdashery! It's ungentlemanly, Alberts. Foofaraws should not be part of the legitimate business of internet web logging. This is for serious matters here on Her Majesty's network, and I won't have you muddying up the what-have-yous. We will not have any bulwark on my watch, sir. No! None at all! So you can pack up your blogtables and your figments and tell them to bugger off, I say! Too silly, and we will not be having any of it, at least not without some bloggeration from a more sensible sport.

It seems this Alexi Lalas chap has gotten into his long-haired hippie ideals that your football is comparable to our most honorable Premiership! you colonial types have been out of country for some time, smoking your medicinal tobaccos and drinking your artificially sweetened coffees, if you think your little mid-major football is up to snuff to our world-class footy. I should say. Once visited one of your matches a few autumns back, and I can tell you that you've got it all wrong! No creativity what so ever! All this stoppage of play, penalties flying about. Your unrefined sorts have got it all wrong, and way too much padding! If you're going to have a good tidy scrum, and what good match isn't without a few shoulder barges and scraps, at least have the cobbles to put it all out their on the line. Composite plastics and foam-rubber gewgaws have no place in sport between chaps, eh?

No matter. On behalf of Her Majesty's FA, I accept young master Wild-haired the Lesser of Fish-bottom's request to have some of your teams come and play over here in our Premiership tables. It will have to be some kind of one-offs to start, though. I don't want any of our lads having to mix it up in your American gridirons, too strenuous in travel, and it's not good for the basic electrolytes and other physical humours. Right. Anyway, we are proposing a general round-robin schedule in our Championship division parks, operating under equitable groundshare arrangements of course, until you've built-up some modest terraces of your own. In the interests of good spirited competition, parity and what forth, England will take on some of your superfluous football squads and redraw the tables.

Let us suggest a few teams to cross the pond this season. Having read your American media for some time, I think Stanford, Baylor, Duke, and Northwestern could use a nice change of pace. Respectable establishments all, and it doesn't sound like any of your major divisions will miss their mid-table colleagues, eh? No, I should think, not. What say you? That's what I thought. So, there it is. The game is on, it's a gentleman's wager!

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, I must warn you that we have a good number of fans who enjoy the drink just as much as you lads. So, I'm going to ask that all incoming spectators observe a few rules to ease the transition:

1. Try to keep any and all weapons of an improvised nature. Broken bottles, table legs, et cetera, and only in case of dire emergency.
   
2. Imported spirits such as your Budweisers and Michelob Ultras will be taxed at 1.5 VAT
3. There will be no provoking of the QPR. That is all.
4. There are few disposable water closets within city limits, so please try to keep a good handle on your nether affairs.

Finally, I would like to add that anyone seeking lodging in and around the London area proper can feel free to contact the FA for any extended housing concerns. It can't be any worse than the last time some of your types came over for a stop. Dreadful.



Brig. Pembroke has been in the employ of the FA sine 1974. He once maltreated the Abbos, but, luckily, no one was watching.

Gather round my blog table!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I've taken so much from the blogosphere community that I think it's high time I take something more! Behold, the first of what I hope will be a lengthy series of Trev-fueled round tables. This is an open invite to all of my friends and soon-to-be followers on the interweb. Let's have some fun discussing whatever topics the old bean came up with after a long night of liquid inspiration. Summer is for creativity, so let's fire it up now and keep the momentum rolling right on through to Labor Day. The niche T-shirts will flow like wine coolers!

I'm going to put on my patented Trev thinking helmet while assuming the role of Quizmaster. As I will be in an inquisitional trance for the duration of the composition, I'm going to ask that my lovely assistant, the kid, field the brilliance that is soon to come forthwith.

Multiple bloggers? Give me an effing reference!

Your Home Field Advantage

Give the more zealous portion of your fanbase a religion. What's this cult following? Feel free to give the splitters a derogatory nickname.

Considering the Robot Catholics (HT: Marco) are more a creation of this site than anything else, I'll have to answer with the more tangible, yet equally zealous Notre Dame traditionalists, the plaid panters, the Latin massers, or the anti-(Jumbo) Tronites. These folks are vehemently opposed to any kind of progress, even if theres a possibility of tastefully done progress (however unlikely). To these passionate old salts, Notre Dame isn't broke, so don't fix it. Green jerseys, dance squads, outdoor pep rallies, anything that isn't exactly how it was "in my days" (read 1915-1950, 1966-1979) is a blight on the entire college game and the cause for our recent struggles. These are the types who have violent allergic reactions to second-tier bowl games, and I'm with them on that when it comes to the "city" of Jacksonville, but all in all their passions, while noble, always seem to be slightly misdirected.

Your biggest rival is in town, and College Gameday is coming....to your citaaaaaaay... Create a blatant corporate sellout promotion to appeal to the mass unwashed.

This one is easy. Large foam papal hats sponsored by the Congregation of the Holy Cross. If these are deemed too offensive, I will also accept giant foam Crusader swords sponsored by The Home Depot. I would like to avoid Chick-Fil-A inspired foam at all costs.

Add one local delicacy to your stadium's concessions. Post-tax pricing is optional.

CJ's Pub, home of the world's greatest burger, has taken to exporting their meatnormous "pubs" to the local chain of Martin's supermarkets, both being within a mile of the stadium. Import cases upon cases of these delectable half-pounders to the stadium, and feel free to pop a bunch of pre-made swissburgers in the concession warmers: nine American dollars. For an added touch of local flavor, place a freestanding grill cart on the north concourse cooking pubs to order with a variety of traditional condiments including Canadian bacon, various olives, onions, and a selection of cheeses from throughout the land: nine to twelve dollars depending on levels of deliciousness.

With an unlimited AD budget, add or subtract one thing to your school's gameday experience that has nothing to do with football.

Pep rallies are officially moved back to Stepan Center until the approved demolition of said dilapidated fieldhouse. Students only with a TV feed to the rest of the masses at the Joyce Center. A general atmosphere of youthful furor shall be encouraged and/or shown a blind eye as hordes of students filled with Irish "spirits" raise the roof without having to concern themselves with playing nice for the older set. No fancy celebrities or motivational speakers, just thirty minutes of sweat, screaming, marching bands, and the occasional word from a team member saying something along the lines of "Tonight, we play Beanville. Tonight, we beat Beanville."

General NCAA questions

Coin a hilariously unrealistic stereotype that you would like to "make stick" for this upcoming season.

All of the Florida State coaching staff is currently living in a four-bedroom condo in Del Boca Vista. Outside of their regular footballing activities, Bobby, Chuck, and Jimbo all enjoy playing bridge, attending senior mixers, grabbing Early Bird specials, and dealing with the foibles of their silver years. Later in the season, a cantankerous Betty White will move in to play Amato's lovable Italian mother. Hilarity ensues.

Redesign your conference or independent schedule with reckless abandon. Be prepared to include compensation for jilted schools and conferences in your explanation.

Every conference is getting a championship game, come hell or high water. Let's forget about the strawman of student-athlete concerns and go straight to admitting we're all in this for the money.

Starting with the Big XII: TCU and Arkansas are in, bringing everyone closer to the old SWC days. Rice, SMU, and Houston would come along for the ride as well, but since they feature heavily in the regions non-conference games, I didn't worry about messing things up for everyone else. Iowa State and Missouri are out.

Out to the Big Ten, which loses Penn State, and is realigned to two conferences. Iowa, ISU, Mizzou, Minnesota, Wisconsin, Illinois to the West with Northwestern, Indiana, Purdue, Michigan, MSU, and Ohio State to the East...give or take an Illinois.

Penn State hooks up with Pitt and WVU in the Big East, adding Marshall and Memphis to the mix for backyard brawling fun. Unfortunately, the largest sacrifice is Louisville to the SEC. A split basketball/football arrangement may be made for appeasement.

Louisville, now in the SEC East, bumps Georgia to the SEC West. The World's Largest Jacksonville based outdoor coke orgy and alcohol exposition remains intact.

Out West, BYU and Utah link up with the new PAC-12 as the MWC, WAC, and C-USA realign the remains.

The MAC is surprisingly blemish free to continue their up and coming mid-major ways.

Following up on your new realignment, blow up the BCS and devise a national playoff system, money grabs and missed exams be damned. Using your new fantasy conferences is optional.

Traditional bowl alignments are reinstated with the exception of a rotating "plus-one playoff" circus gracing each of the traditional sites once every four years. The new Final Four will play a day-night double header at the home site on New Years Day, with a national final to be played the following weekend, creating a two-week festival surrounding four games. Keeping the traditional bowl matchups intact, an additional bowl game will be played at a nearby alternate site. For example, on the Rose Bowl's turn, the national semifinals would be played at the LA Coliseum (finals at the Rose Bowl) while the PAC-10/Big Ten granddaddy would still be played in Pasadena.

This would be last year's bowls based on the new system, bowls that lose a top 4 team may select any eligible at-large, automatic berths apply:

Rose Bowl: Southern Cal vs. Wisconsin or at-large
Fiesta Bowl: OU vs. at-large (At Univ. of Phoenix Stadium)
Orange Bowl: ACC vs. at-large
Sugar Bowl: Arkansas or at-large vs. at-large

Semi-finals: OSU vs LSU (At Univ. of Phoenix Stadium), Florida vs. Michigan (at Sun-Devil Stadium)
Finals at Univ. of Phoenix Stadium

"Alternate sites" for other title game sites could include the LA Coliseum, Death Valley, and Dolphins Stadium

Elect one public figure to replace NCAA president Myles Brand. Anyone with proper name recognition is eligible.

FireMarkMay.com would like to nominate soon to be retired Red Sox pitcher Curt Schilling. The man certainly takes no guff from anyone, would shoot straight through the bullshit and start cracking some university president skulls. We are confident he would run on a trust-busting , student-athlete liberation platform, and since he is already proficient in the ways of Everquest and the blogverse, we know he will always have an ear to the tubes.


So, there you have it. Get the creative juices bubbling and lets stir up some manufactured controversy! It's only a matter of time before we start messing with NCAA 2008 all nimbly-pimbly, so fire it up internet! All I ask is that you link back to the pure Trev source in your responses so the kid can tally up any new blogs we don't have on the blogroll. Feel free to contact the editor if you'd like to drop him a line.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator. They never let him on The Sports Reporters, but that's ok, because he never wanted to be on their stupid show anyway. Bob Ryan has old man stink.

Playing with Fire: Feedburning

I know how much technology frightens and confuses Mr. Alberts, but I think its time we step up the game a little bit to play like the cool kids. The first major changes to the site are all about spreading the Gospel of Trev to the far reaches of the intertubes. We've added a few new features that will help get the site into the blogreaders, social networkings, and a whole bunch of other stuff that I don't have half a clue about, but the young people seem to be into these days.

Every post now has links to Digg, Facebook, and del.icio.us for those kind of things. If you're into that sort of scene, that is. I'm not, but I've heard good things.

Also, apparently some people like to keep all of their favorite blogs in a kind of reader or whatever. Personally, I just kind of bookmark stuff, but I'm not cool. Anyway, Feedburner is hosting this site for a number of services including Google, Yahoo!, Newsgator, and a bunch of other really cool Web 2.0 type gadgets. The sidebar will have the red Feedburner counter, and each post will have a handy "subscribe" link that does the same things.

Now, to keep the staff sober long enough to keep the content rolling. They're digging through the old Bartender's Guide in the break room. The Horse's Necks are flowing like...Horse's Necks.

-irishoutsider

Sometimes, I just like to feel pretty

By Nick Saban
Head Coach, Alabama Crimson Tide

You know, its not easy being Nick Saban. Sure, I just signed another big contract to coach some football. Sure, I love my new home in Alabama. But, you know what? Sometimes after the endless late night film sessions, grueling practices, ritual sacrifices, and recruiting trips, I just want to get away from it all, you know? Being a coach is great, but every now and again, I just need to feel like a man.

Not too many people know this about me, but lots of times, I like to do up the house real nice while Terry's asleep. Early in the mornings, I'll trudge in from a late night of breaking down personnel matchups, and the only thing I'll have on my mind is touching up the window treatments in our sitting parlor. Give those darlings a nice swiffering, make sure everything's "just so," and then I'll just sit back for a second and take it all in. Hell, half the time I'm just rearranging the furniture in my mind. We could really use more talking space opening up from the alcove, and I know she loves the robin's egg accents around the crown moldings, but I just think its all too brassy for my tastes. I would go with a nice, tasteful eggplant base with maybe the faintest tope piping. That would so bring out the subtle rose in the upholstery. Sigh.

A nice warm neutral would really make this cozy. Don't you think?

Its like our bathroom, right? We've got one of those nice sunken jacuzzi tubs with nice little solarium to the south wall. Nothing feels better after a long road trip than drawing a nice bubble bath while setting up some relaxing votive candles. I turn on some soothing Il Divo and all of my worries just melt away. Sorry, Auburn, but even you're no match for those guys. They sing like angels, I tell you. Wow. I could go on and on about them, but take it from me, they are just spectacular. Anyway, if I had my way, I'd redo the entire linen closet, bring in some clean new elfa storage (LOVE these!), and even tuck the stereo system in there to keep it all discreet. Oh! and what I wouldn't kill for some nice towels in there! Just because the soaps cheap at Sam's Club doesn't mean the towels are a bargain. I mean, they're a bargain...but that thread count! Ick!
If only my secondary had half the heart of Il Divo!
At least I get my way in the kitchen. The range out back is great for entertaining, and it's so easy to clean, but I'll tell you, my favoritest little toy in the whole setup is my ravioli crimper. That thing can make a late night snack out of anything! Just now, I'm getting ready to turn in, and nothing helps me pore over the day's reports than using that doodad to make some apple turnovers. A little pastry, some nice fresh filling, a touch of anise for some snap, and wham, brown them up in no time. Gosh, if only it wasn't so cluttered in here...but that's another story. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get my eight hours.

Another day, another turnover.
Nick Saban is a former BCS champion. He also celebrates Josh Groban's entire catalog.

Steely Trev

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

The official end to the offseason is in sight! Phil Steele has put everyone on the effing clock! It should take everyone roughly 2 months to read all of the tiny tiny tiny font in this year's 328-page behemoth. The heft of the publication makes many of the regular ladies circulars feel down-right anorexic. Double-checking this...nope, sorry Cosmo, the ads still make you look fat. How do I know this? None of your damn business! Moving on.

Since I feel like hitting the ground running on this in typical Trev fashion, I'm going to break down my first impressions on this football fonebook in rapid fire succession. Clips, dirty dirty clips, no analysis other than good, old-fashioned Trevtic impluses. However, before we begin, I'm going to ask that everyone put on their Steele Safety Goggles (tm). Can't be following along with all of that 6pt Helvetica without proper eye protection. Safety First!

Firz wen rdy!!1!1! k, thx lulz.

• pg. 18- Welcome to 2007 Phil Steele! You just paid $8.95 to learn that the SEC is the toughest conference. Congratulations! Coming up later in the issue: Mangino, still fat!
  
• pg. 22- #5 Surprise for the USF Bulls. The perennial darkhorses have just been greenlit for 2007 "trendy sleeper pick! ftw!" Over/under on ESPN running this as their own call is August 10th.
  
• pg. 27- Your for-reals top 5: Southern Cal, LSU, Oklahoma, WVU, and Michigan. I just have to check Tradesports... LSU and Oklahoma posted at equal odds. Feel free to freeroll those Tigers if you think they can go undefeated at home.
  
• pg. 30- Phil kicks off the team pags with a bang. Kentucky and Vanderbilt have more SEC first-teamers than Florida and Alabama. REALLY?!? Go crazy, folks! Go crazy!
• pg. 42- Yaw yaw yaw yaw YAAAA YAW YA YAW. BOWL INELIGBLE!
  
• pg. 54- I gotta check this Kentucky business. Ok, 8 home games and no ones got them winning 8 games. Remain calm, everyone. All is well.
• pg. 106- Boston College slotted at 6th in the Atlantic. Watching the pundits U-turn on that early sleeper pick is going to be splendiferous.
  
• pg. 174- TCU picked to go 11-1 again. I'm starting to think some of these write themselves.
• pg. 240- Phil reminds us all, especially the kid , that the Irish haven't won a bowl game in 14 years (!@#!$%%!*-IO). We're roughly 4 months away from at least one crackpot writing the "Oh how the mighty have fallen" article about the Robot.
• pg. 311- The #5 experienced team in the country is Cincinnati. I don't know what that means, but it probably means something that Louisville is #9. WVU and Rutgers? Not so much.
  

Please remove your goggles, everyone. That's enough for now. OWWWW! Man, that stings. The knowledge, so mind-bendingly thorough. Mr. Steele, you have our gratitude.

Trev Alberts is a legitmate sports journalist in his own right. He enjoys taking Cosmo quizzes.

Re-tooling the shop

Just a quick heads-up to everyone while we start fooling around with the site. Mr. Alberts alluded to it earlier, and I'll just bring it up again that there are a lot of things going on around the office. I've finally decided that the best way to pass the time this offseason is to reorganize the Trev army so we can fully mobilize later this summer. That's a direct paraphrase from Il Duce Emeritus himself.

So, without further delay, some of the main announcements of the redesign:

- Please be patient while we tinker and tinker with the Blogger template. The original site was designed all the way back in pre-beta, and now I'm afraid Blogger might throw away much of the design in order to "Reset" to the new Blogger.

- Advertising is back on the table. Bloo's mock naval battles and softball keggers don't come cheap, and while Trev's frivolous fortunes are more than enough to keep the site running, it never hurts to make some paper on the side. Besides, we have to prepare for the inevitable Class Action from parts unknown. Contact information is on the sidebar.

- On that note, the long dormant Shirt Shop is being retooled. Eventually, we hope it will be more robust than just a placeholder for Trev's random Paint files in shirt form. Trev Fun Dollars will still be rejected as legal tender in the new store.

- Finally, we're going to attempt to get back on the ball and get the gang back in for some regular offseason shenanigans. All of the nonsense a single offseason can bear. It's a lofty goal.

- Finally, finally, in any unforseen absence of updates, I want to restate that there are some secret so-called major productions on the drawing board. Hopefully, they'll pan out with hilarious results.

Thanks for stopping by, everyone. We hope to keep you coming back. I definitely don't want to go back to the days of "one Jager per hit."

-irishoutsider

Fin du Monde! Vegas Post Morte!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Ah, nothing like washing down jet lag with a few hearty rounds of French-Canadian triple ales. Not only is it good for you, but your kidneys will thank you! I can't get enough of this stuff, which is surprising after the vast, vast, vast amounts of shady liquors I enjoyed at the luxurious Casino Royale. What interesting scents I discovered! But, I'm getting way too ahead of myself, actually, let me get way ahead of myself and say the kid woke up screaming bloody murder on Saturday morning. We're talking the howls of unending agony fueled by vodka-induced Kafka dreams, but I digress. Let's start at the beginning.

A general breakdown of the 4-day Tour de Force of Vegas' finer and not fine gambling halls, casinos, and saloons, included multiple trips to the empire known as Caesars Palace with occasional stops at local behemoths The Venetian, Bellagio, and Wynn Las Vegas. Every turn we encountered the latest blight on the once noble gaming community, the No-Limit Tourist. Seriously, these guys are basically your stereotypical person who watches way too much ESPN 8, and actually brings an iPod to the table. Resplendent. With the World Series of Poker in town, literally everyone wanted to play like the pros, and that meant only one thing: tournaments! Tournaments Tournaments Tournaments! Good lord, it was like one of them damn magical gatherings. I was waiting for them to break out the boosters at any second.

Starting with the inevitable good news, Free Money Dave managed to wield his pokering prowess in a late-night tourney. Playing well into the night against the unwashed, unclean, unsober masses, he managed to shark his way to a tidy sum. It's not as easy as you think it is to bluff people out at 2am, especially when their blood is almost 33% Sobe energy drink. Kudos to the little bastard, we all knew he'd take them down. Living up to his billing, he also managed to make most table games his man-servant as well, blistering the already shattered dreams of many a low-rent casino dealer.

Let's Go Justin and No Name Pace had their own share of Vegas fortunes and misfortunes. Taking all of this glorious town in one extreme after the next, watching their disillusionment come full circle was a sight to behold. First night, straight to casino. An all night bender of poker, vodka, imitation energy drink, more poker, whiskey, bourbon, and coffee soon followed, immediately followed by little to no sleep. What did our fair Trev-troopers plan for a morning wake-up? Hardcore weightlifting! LET'S EFFING GO! WOOO! Of course, this caused the second night in Vegas to get cut short at a malaised 1 am, but that's the kind of fatigue we're talking about when you bleed poker money for 8 hours straight. Eventually, they embraced the soulless abyss, bellied up to the tables, and dove head-first into the crushing blackness that awaited them. Both admit the trip took at least 14 months off of their lives. Outstanding.

I, on the other hand, had a tremendous time. I didn't win that much, or at all for that matter, but I got to enjoy the absolutely ridiculous losing streak of the kid. Oh my! Seriously, it was the best ever, folks. Down right dominating. After a while it just got silly, pulling teeth for 17s only to see the dealer's 8. Snake eyes after snake eyes, poker rivering gone wild, and a veritable snowstorm of busted racing tickets. Kid's in the race book like some junior Gummy Joe apprentice, pulling his hair out over a quarterhorse nag in Seattle, meanwhile, I'm having a hell of a time chatting up the local degenerates. You haven't lived until you've watched a couple of guys drop a few G's on the Cavs while simultaneously betting on greyhounds. Simply stunning. Still not enough to get free sportsbook drinks, though, bastards.

The inevitable rock bottom hit roughly around the 3/4 pole of the trip. Having bled poker money through a mixture of Sobe-vodka judgment, dumb luck, and blind skill for almost 36 consecutive hours, the kid finally snapped roughly 3am Saturday morning. Unable to take anymore money out of the ATM, into my own personal stash for a couple large Trev fun dollars, and watching everyone around him win big in the midst of his crippling losing streak, it all finally took a toll on the poor editor's psyche. The whining was splendid, and the adrenaline rushed conviction that he was actually cursed hit critical mass and produced comedy gold. Comedy gold, and security guard stink eyes. Scientifically, comedy=tragedy + time. Give this a few more days, and its going to be goddamn hilarious! His self-worth completely in check, watching him trudge along the final stretch was like going to Vegas with Eeyore.

Luckily, in true "Vegas Vacation" style, the home stretch of the trip included meeting up with Orson Swindle and his lovely bride, the Conscience, at Casino Royale to help try to bury the rest of the kid's money. Now this place, this place was everything my Trev heart desired and more. Truly living the High Life over there at Casino Royale. Cheap craps, $1 lagers, $1 Margaritas, a pizza parlor on the premises, adjoining Denny's, and speedy White Russian service. Mmm. Mmm. A fine, fine establishment. Too bad the kid was completely shattered by this point, he could have helped me play Blackjack Switch! They let you switch cards? I don't care if Blackjack pays even money, I still feel like I'm cheating, and they use a machine! Long into the night, the bargain well booze flowed copiously, and even though the karaoke line at Imperial Palace was well over 90 minutes WITH bribe, at least the charmingly dirty KJ was honest, a rarity in both karaoke and Vegas.

In summation, the trip was a success on so many levels save the kid. Time was taken off everyones lives, and everyone is a little bit lighter, either by dehydration or ill liquidity. However, in light of said debts, the fearless editor has determined that there are going to be a few changes to the office. A strict hunkering down and flying right mission is the new cause du jour, so a significant slowdown in casino tripping, maybe a slight redesign, and fewer office card games. Personally, I'm going to get IT to give me a direct line to BetUS.com, just to get my fix in. Don't tell anyone.

In final, final, final news, our shadowy secret blogging projects are reaching fruition. More on them in the near future as I begin to declassify the documents. We're through the looking glass here, people.

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN commentator and payday loan proprietor. He sees no problem with selling instant lottery tickets next to his check-cashing services.

Vegas Field Trip!

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Give me an effing siren!!! (HT to Orson, Peter, and their legions of internet fans for having us on the podcast last night-IO)

Las Vegas. Won't that be fun? Lake Mead...Hoover Dam...


Myself, our fearless editor, and a handful of honorary gaming (read: gambling) interns are headed out to the desert. Three days and four nights in the clutches of Gamblor and his neon grip. The Trev Mobile 1 is gassed up, ready to go, and prepared to document some of the highlights to the fullest extent of the law. Nevada gaming photography laws will be stretched, I assure you. Just in case, prepare for non-odds related audio-visuals from such boring locations as bars, lounges, and anywhere else I can't bet on black.

Let's take a look at our lineup for this week:

• Trev- the man with the plan. Plans on exploiting TSA loophole by bringing 10 3oz. containers of hair gel onto aircraft. He also needs a new pair of shoes.
  
  
• The kid- the clueless editor. Completely frightened by the concept of Vegas with Mr. Alberts. By the end of the weekend, all sucker bets will be renamed kid bets. Thinks house edge is a good thing.

• Free Money Dave- local shark and resident gaming expert. Setting up offices in the fabulous pokering parlours of Wynn Las Vegas, the Bellagio, and Mandalay Bay. Plans on dazzling opponents with striped shirt brilliance and mind-boggling parlays.

• Let's Go! Justin- honorary intern for excellence in 24-hour wagering. Known aggressive and likely to yell trademark "Let's Go!" at any competitive event. Cash rules everything around him.
  

• No Name Pace- the wild-card. Most likely to get "crunk" in the absence of World of Warcraft. Odds-on favorite to just plain vanish.
  

And now, for a brief primer on casino fun by one, me, Trev Alberts:

1. The so-called Wheel of Fortune is good for exactly one (1) "wtf" bet per trip. All subsequent wagers on said wheel must be accompanied by groin kicks from the dealer.
2. There are no free drinks in the Race and Sports Book. Don't even try.
   
3. Prepare to feel stupid placing at least one wager at said sports book with grizzled cashier. Do yourself a favor and brace for it ahead of time.
   
4. Over generalizing, never enter a blackjack table mid-shoe against a dealer of Asian decent. Trust me on this.
5. Insurance is for sucks.
   
6. There is no rule 6.
7. No poofters.
8. "Invented" table games, such as "Caribbean Stud" and "Let it Ride," are strictly forbidden. "War" is allowed if the dealer is an old, French whore, for obvious comedy reasons.
9. There is nothing wrong with $1 craps. Nothing.
   
10. If someone gives you 10,000 to 1 odds....on ANYTHING...you take it.

Trev Alberts is a degenerate gambler. He once wagered on Cirque du Soleil.