Jungle-tastic

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Sweet merciful crap. I was all ready to get out of here for the weekend when this finally came across my desk. I had heard rumors of the song floating around out there, but now that we have official internet tube presence, I have to throw it out to the remaining clones out there who haven't seen or heard this. This sucker is flat out magic.



Glorious. See? This is what I'm talking about, people. The wheels start to fall off, and the internet message board types start getting creative. Keep it up.

(A much delayed HT to EDSBS for putting up the video.-irish)

Jim Rome is constantly on left coast time. He is still really into Pogs.

Week 5 Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Damn that War Eagle! He told me Auburn was going to cover! Man, I was having such a good week playing with the kid's money (Hey!-irish). This week is sure to bring us some exicting...um...come on...seriously? This is what we've got?!? That's it? Where's the rest of it? I guess this will have to do....All-seeing eye of the internets, show them my scoreboard!

Season-to-date-
SU:26-5
ATS:18-13

Tennessee (-13) at Memphis 1200et (ESPN)
We start the day off with a whimper, as the Vols are sure to take care of business in the early morning match. If I could bet on the time of this game being set to curb excess drinking, I would, but let's not split hairs. While this falls into the category of "Memphis could hold the ball long enough to cover", I'm not seeing it. Coach Cutliffe is just too darn wily. I want to see how Gameday tries to use its lead-in to make this game interesting. The over/under is 1.5 puff pieces.
Trev's pick: Tennessee

Georgia Tech (+10) at Virginia Tech 330et (ABC)
With Virginia Tech struggling offensively, they are going to need to rely heavily on the Beamer Ball to get out of this day game alive. Luckily, Reggie Ball is still Reggie Ball...but he could become Reggie Ball! any day now. I keep hearing this like everyone expects it to happen. Realistically, he's a coin flip to throw more than 50%. Give the ball to Choice, keep Ball out of trouble, and Tech could win this game outright.
Trev's pick: *Georgia Tech*(Apologies to anyone who took this seriously, but I f-ed up Trev's pick...clearly from the writeup you can tell Mr. Alberts was picking the Yellow Jackets to upset.-the kid)

Oregon (+1.5) at Arizona State 330et (ABC)
The second tine in the ABC three-pronged regional coverage assault is this matchup of PAC-10 enigmas. Oregon, are the good? Are they great? Are they just ok? I don't know! They're Oregon! Oregon is the new Cal...say it with me. Ducks over their overrated-Xbox opponents, handily.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Alabama (+15.5) at Florida 330et (ABC)
Finally, we have the blogosphere's "Globe of Death" game of the week. This is what happens when one of your bigger sites is run by a conflicted Gator Fan from Tennessee, and half of your audience has probably read this book. I have to split the pick again on this one while the bookmakers keep thinking Florida can score at will. This is the SEC for crying out loud. I have zero knowledge of Alabama this year, I'll let the irony of that sink in, and you have to think 15.5 is just too many points. Wow. He can bowl.
Trev's pick: Florida to win, Alabama to cover

Michigan (-9.5) at Minnesota 800et (ESPN)
Michigan's rushing defense is probably for real against a Minnesota team that has been described as "Um...I think they can run really well" for as far back as I can remember. Unless the Gophers suddenly imitate my roommate's Minnesota "Air Force 1" offense from NCAA 2002, this could get ugly. Continue touting Michigan, Mark. I freaking dare you.
Trev's pick: Michigan

Iowa (+7) vs Ohio State 800et (ABC)
With Ohio State looking a little more mortal after struggling with Penn State and Iowa playing its role as perennial Big Ten dark-horse, this could be the game of the week everyone wants it to be. I would like to see the Hawkeyes getting more points here, but I'll just keep putting my money and my faith in Coach Ferrentz and hope they keep it close. There are a lot of big-game intangibles to make me believe Iowa can pull the upset here...but then again,Tressel could have been playing opossum last week. Sneaky bastard.
Trev's pick: Iowa

Notre Dame (-14) vs Purdue 230et (NBC)
Finally, we've got our traditional Notre Dame matchup in the last slot. While I am a fan of any coaching staff that derives their authority from their sweet, sweet 'staches. The only question in my mind is the Irish having enough in the tank after two grueling fistfights with the state of Michigan. The first was a thorough shellacking while the other one is reminiscent of Rocky IV. I just hope Holly Rowe does the game, she's freaking hot! I would hit it....Sorry, I had to make the kid throwup somehow. It was a desperate move bringing out the Rowe, but we've got a streak to uphold here.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is a board-certified doctor of Trevonics. He'll bring out the Ipicac on our editor if he has too.

Hot Seat: War Eagle

By The Budweiser Hot Seat
ESPN.com

Good day, loyal readers. I will have you know that I survived the recent shenanigans that have taken over the office over these past two weeks, and I would like this time to thank my lucky stars for Trev placing me in the supply closet long before the ND-Michigan fiasco. There, huddled between the vast, vast stores of unsold merchandise, I was given refuge from the unbridled chaos that engulfed the office. I was finally rescued by Irishoutsider earlier this week, as he has a very special interview lined up for me.

So, let us waste very little time in introducing today's guest. Tonight's showdown between the Auburn Tigers and the South Carolina Gamecocks turns the national spotlight once again on him, a relative dignitary in his own right, and steeped in Southern tradition, one of college football's most famous ambassadors. Mere mention of his name rouses great emotions in both friend and foe alike, and invokes the spirit of Auburn football. Gentlemen and few ladies, I give you, WAR EAGLE!

Gracious and noble, War Eagle soars into our office for a brief meeting and complementary grubs.

SCREEEEEEEECH!

Thank you so much for stopping by on your way to Columbia, War Eagle. It is an honor as always to have you with us.

SCREEEEECH! SCREEEEEEEECH!

You are a humble soul indeed, good sir. Very well, I know you are a busy man, so I will be direct if I may. How do you think the Tigers will fare this season? Is the National Championship in the cards for Coach Tuberville and his band of hard-nosed gentlemen gladiators?

SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH! SCREECH!SCREECH! SCREEEEEECH!

Yes, a confident proclamation if there ever was one. I don't think we can't print that last bit there about relocating the AP voters heads and, ahem, backsides, but I think you posit a convincing argument on the merits of your program over their peers in the top 5. Such a flowery stream of expletives is natural for one so in love with their Alma mater. If I could just ask one more question before you go, could we trouble you for a prediction for tonight's match?

SRCEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEECH!

An emphatic huzzah, I would expect nothing less. You heard it here first, dear readers. Straight from the eagle's very craw, Auburn 27-South Carolina 0. I would give a you a heartier good day, but our guest seems to be attempting to make away with the Muppet Newscaster's hairpiece, and my assistance is needed.

Until next time, I am the Hot Seat.

The Budweiser Hot Seat is an associate professor of ethics in journalism. He is his own chair.

Piss and Pucker

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Not a lot going on in the internet tubes, clones, but it seems we've got a few tasty morsels of prime multimedia ridiculousness on our plates. I'm glad to hear that the ND-Michigan freakout has been replaced by a ND-MSU bender, kid. I hope the next time you decide to "take it easy" you actually take it easy. It could be worse though. You could have relieved some stress like these crazy folk at NC State (HT:The Wiz, seriously, and EDSBS). Wolfpack. Tighten. It. Up.

I find a whole bunch of things wrong with this. I mean, besides the obvious. One, are there that many bad seats in your house that you need to cram everyone into the one good section? Two, how the hell are Wolfpack tickets that easy to counterfeit? You've either got clueless usher types or your tickets are printed on freaking Town House crackers! And finally, in the middle of that dreadful BC game, no one took the time to notice, "HEY!!! We've got people pissing over here! The whole damn system is out of order!" Really, did you believe in NC State SO MUCH that you were willing to soil yourself? I thought that happened before and after the games at various festive parking spots.

No, I don't have any video of any of this for you clones, and you should thank your lucky stars. Perverts.

Moving on, I want to give a big ups to my new radio hero, Mike Valenti at 1270WXYT-AM Detroit. You, sir, deserve one of those Miller Lite "Real Men of Genius" spots for a delicious rant on the MSU-ND implosion. I was going to have our editor queue up some tape on this, but it turns out Brian at The House Rock Built already has it lined up for us. Outstanding. I'm telling you, this thing gets better the more you listen to it. It is pure, distilled, unadulterated fan desperation and a portrait of a man who has had his fill of ridiculous implosions. At this point, we all know that John L. Smith can't even finish a sandwich, but this clip is clearly a man who has reached rock bottom.

Some of my favorite paraphrased tidbits:

• "I did my job! I got my section fired up! I got those old asses out of their seats and jumping! I did my job!"
  
• "PUCKER PUCKER PUCKER!"
• "You've got Drew Stanton passing in the middle of Hurricane Katrina!"
• "Have you ever heard of disguised coverages?!? You call back to back zero blitzes in a monsoon!"
• "Let me finish."
  

The list goes on and on. This guy was clearly "that guy" at the stadium that night. We've all been there, either as him or near him, refusing to believe that beyond the usual "get loud on defense" plan, you have no influence on the outcome of this game. Swearing at Methuselah-age alumni until they waste their remaining knee cartilage to provide abstract support isn't going to stop your opponents when your DC calls off the safety help! The truth hurts! Granted, Irish fans deserved a rant like that had their team been pantsed by the state of Michigan in back to back weeks, but this kind of death spiral is reserved for the victims of an instant classic collapse! Hell, now you've got me fired up.

The conference schedule will start to wear down on a lot of teams now that we're basically out of the sugary cupcake goodness of September. Be sure to give your man Rome the heads up on any future meltdowns. It's only a matter of time.

Jim Rome knows a good rant when he sees it. The FireMarkMay gift shop is currently out of stress dolls.

MAKE ESPN FAST!!1!1!!$1!

By ESPN Mobile Guy
hopefully of ESPN.com

Ok, so we're not really pushing the ESPN Mobiles like we used to. I think we're actually paying people to sign up now. Great, just great, guys. So I've been asked by Bristol to start hocking some of their newer financial products.

I mean, right now you can get a brand spanking new ESPN Credit Card with all sorts of sweet rewards like:

• Signed John Kruk memorabilia
• Dinner for two at Outback Steakhouse with Harold Reynolds
• Lee Corso's used mascot heads
• Boxes of Mark May's shattered dreams
• and many more!

But that's not all, guys. Oh no! ESPN is planning to go all out with a burgeoning new venture, full-service investment house! Enroll in ESPN's new "Worldwide Leader" family of 401(k) mutual funds, today! There are so many options to choose from:

• East Coast Bias- a unit investment trust totally focused on the Yankees and Red Sox, total salary weighted.
• Big N Roth IRA- Equal investment in each of the companies in the Big Ten portfolio. Matures roughly once every 50 years.
  
• Southern Cal, LLC- a high-risk hedge fund ETF that promises extremely high returns. Though currently running at a 33% success rate, I am legally bound to inform you that the fund may or may not be involved in NCAA or SEC investigations.
• Notre Dame Trust- currently mirroring the revenue stream of their NBC TV contract, returns are bound to increase based on expected advertising costs of a six-hour game. BCS monies (when applicable) are not reinvested.
• Big East Growth Fund- average returns held in check by a majority in sub-standard holdings. Overall performance is expected to rise...or at least outperform the ACC benchmarks.

Alrighty, so what can we do to get you into one of these programs today? Can I sweeten the deal with an ESPN's "Around the Horn" cordless phone?

ESPN Mobile Guy is currently shilling anything that will keep him in the loop at Bristol. Unfortunately, his commissions still aren't enough to pay rent.

Week 4 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Great Paterno's Ghost! Week 4 was just one ridiculous series of events loosely tied together by a football theme. There's just too much going on here for me to possibly comprehend. All I know is that somehow my picks thoroughly dominated, therefore I rule. This was not new knowledge. Let me just get the scoreboard out from under my probably alcohol-poisoned editor...

Week 4 Totals-
Straight Up: 6-1
Against the Spread: 5-2

Season-to-date-
SU:26-5
ATS:18-13

Michigan 27-Wisconsin 13
Wisconsin, running the wildly successful "Don't spot them 24 points" defense, still managed to spare Chad Henne and his three INTs from any meaningful damage. Mario Manningham becomes the "WR Man-Child du Jour", catching 7 for 113 yards with 2 TDs, while the press tries to figure out the best way to pronounce his name. My vote is for Mario, like the video game plumber, and not "Mare-e-o" like some would want you to believe.

Ohio State 28-Penn State 7
In the realm of ridiculous back door covers, there are very few things that compare to back to back pick sixes, but that's what this took. Ohio State, looking very mortal in the rain against a motivated Penn State, managed to get the job done in a struggle very similar to last year's game. It was a scare, but the stage is still set for the Michigan game being the next "greatest game in the history of the world...ever." Rumors of Ted Ginn's death are wildly exaggerated.


Cal 49-Arizona State 21
I guess it's better that nobody saw this bloodbath. 41-14 at the half, and the California roller-coaster continues. "They're going to beat USC!" "Not a chance!" "Whoa, what's all this then?" "I need to watch that game!" In absence of television coverage, we simulated this game on the office Xbox. I played as ASU on a dare and it was still no contest. Even with my mad 360 skillz and American footballer Sam Keller still on the roster, I was no match for our legal dept.'s Captain Eclectic armed with Tedford's playbook. No contest.

Texas 37-Iowa State 14
Nature apparently had a real problem with me splitting up my picks on this game. Taking Texas to win was a no brainer, but I had a feeling ISU would try to keep it respectable. I would like to thank Rule 3-2-5e and Thor, god of Thunder, for making this game as short as possible.


Florida 26-Kentucky 7
Let me get this straight, Florida. You have some kind of sick schedule ahead of you, right? It's like Alabama, Auburn, LSU, and a home and home with the Denver Broncos or something...and this was all you could cobble together against Kentucky in The Swamp? Yikes. This would have never happened if Urban Meyer was still alive.


NC State 17-Boston College 15
Leave it to Fredo to ruin a perfectly good blowout. The Chuck Amato Pec-O-Meter stays partially inflated for at least another week, and Boston College "overrated" period is over before it starts. I need to stop picking this team, and ESPN needs to stop showing them.


Notre Dame 40-Michigan State 37
Also sullying my otherwise immaculate weekend, and also tainting my bloodstream, was this absolutely mindblowing game in East Lansing. Judging by the weather forecast, this thing was bound to get biblical, and from the looks of Notre Dame's first three quarters, GOD. WAS. PISSED. Thankfully, John L Smith and his merry band of S protectors were able to let the Irish back into this one. The kid started drinking heavily at 14-0, committing himself to going on a bender regardless of outcome. I actually don't know where he is right now. I lost track of him after that final interception, and he could still be passed out in his office for all I know. I hope everything is OK. Drinking in shame or triumph...same result.



Trev Alberts is not a licensed physician. However, in his professional opinion, you should not chase Sparks with whiskey.

Week 4 Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Ok, as this Friday is spent mopping up the carnage from this week's...unpleasantness, the college schedule brings us a welcome downshift from the high-octane action we were blessed to receive last weekend. Saturday brings its fair share of interesting matchups, but they are merely leftover turkey sandwiches compared to the prior week's gluttonous feast. Sure, a turkey sandwich is a pretty good meal, but you were probably going to have a sandwich anyway. Scoreboard Ho!

Season-to-date-
Straight-Up:20-4
Against The Spread:13-11

Michigan (-13.5) vs Wisconsin 1200et (ESPN)
This was the conversation I had with the kid:

"Hey kid, who's Michigan playing this week, Ball State?"
"No. I think they're playing Wisconsin in the Big House."
"Oh, ok. Ball State."

Everyone wants to say this is going to be a big time trap game for the skunkbears. Coming off an embarrassment of riches in South Bend, calm down irish, and facing a traditionally scrappy Badger team. If this game were at Camp Randall or if Michigan had their usual dogfight with ND, I would be inclined to believe that this could be a letdown. However, the kid saw first hand a Michigan team that is likely to be two scores better than Wisconsin, especially at home.
Trev's pick: Michigan

Ohio State (-16.5) vs. Penn State 330et (ABC)
Staying with the FireMarkMay's unconscionable regional contract with the Big Ten, (I'd buy the dish package, but someone had to pay his bookie.-IO) we will be delighting in the next sacrificial lamb to the altar of Tressel. All bow to this majesty of this ancient pagan ritual. Bloody revenge for the 17-10 streetfight in Happy Valley last year. Let's do the math:
(Troy Smith+Ted Ginn)*1 year experience-100,000 PSU fans+the state of Ohio-Anthony Morelli's bowels=24 point swing...at least.
Trev's pick: Ohio State

Cal (-8) vs. Arizona State (WTF)
Seriously, we can't get this? Anywhere? This could be the most competitive game of the weekend, one with possible national implications, and we can't even get my ragtag bunch of CSTV lackeys to cover it? COME ON! I'm compelled to take the Sun Devils here due to their recent stretch of above-averageness. I always seem to find myself saying "Arizona State won? Are they good now?" often, but I can never really put any stock in a team I only use on Xbox on a dare.
Trev's pick: Cal

Iowa State (+25) at Texas 330et (ABC)
Instead of true top 25 matchups, we get the next two laughers getting screen time from the national outlets. This game is already over by the time I'm done writing this sentence, but I'll roll the dice and say Iowa State plays enough possession to let Rule 3-2-5e help them cover this monster spread, and I'll make my first ever split pick because...well...I'm not compromising that glorious 20-4 record...
Trev's pick: Texas to win, ISU to cover

Kentucky (+26) at Florida 745et (ESPN)
Again. Big time team, small time game, over before it starts, and yet again, I'm splitting this one up because Chris Leak is going to have at least one Heisman play in this game...per drive. Kentucky isn't as bad as we all like to say, but taking this team down in The Swamp is just not going to happen.
Trev's pick: Florida to win, Kentucky to cover.

Boston College (-7) at NC State 800et (ESPN2)
Ugh...now we're really getting into the dregs here. I'm sure some suit looked at the schedule 6 months ago and said "Man, we're really going to need to get a crew to this game! It's dripping with ACC drama...or something..." According to the latest Amato Pec-O-Meter, Fredo should be giving much, much more than 7 points here. This game is going to make BC officially overrated.
Trev's pick: Boston College

Notre Dame (-3.5) at Michigan State 800et (ABC)
Last but not least, the game that ESPN has been touting as "REVENGE LIVES HERE!!1!!1!!" since MSU planted that ridiculous flag at ND. This game is the media's wet dream as far as the intangibles are concerned. If you can get away with talking about everything surrounding this game WITHOUT ONCE ANALYZING FOOTBALL, it's free money. Pile on the standard "can the struggling favorite bounce back from a demoralizing loss" storyline, used in the SEC at least twice a season, and you could probably program an hour of lame puff pieces interviewing players and the like while playing the theme music from "Friday Night Lights" or something...Sorry, that got away from me there. I've become what I hate...no, wait, that happened years ago. Anyway, MSU allowed the lowly Pitt 23 points, and while visions of Drew Stanton give the kid night terrors lately, I'm sure this game is going to rate high on the vengeance scale. Notre Dame in a close one.
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Trev Alberts is slowly rebuilding his internet fiefdom. His loyal serfs are currently on assignment sandblasting his office.

And we're back...

Alright, if anyone's going to make the 100th post around here, it's going to be me or Trev, and Trev is currently passed out in a pile of unsold T-shirts.

I was still deep in the throes of my incapacitating football depression when Brian from HouseRockBuilt stopped over to remind the interns and myself of the evening's scheduled trip to the local Mexican cantina. Braving the now post-apocalyptic state of the office, negotiating treacherous physical challenges as well as Bloo's newly created taffy-based booby traps, we managed to get out of the compound relatively unscathed. Some of Brian's cigarettes were lost in the scuffle, but they did not die in vain. While I was still hopelessly distraught over Michigan's shellacking of the Irish, I needed to get out of the office, if not for my own safety, but because it is always bad luck to turn down good tequila.

The crew and I feasted on various appetizer dishes while enjoying several rounds of various margaritas, as was the restaurant's custom, yet I couldn't help but be reminded about my past affairs with sweet lady Kool-Aid. Brian, a recovering addict himself, reminded me that there is no better cure for a coming down from a drink-mix high than brightly colored alcoholic beverages. Neon green margaritas and bright yellow tequila shooters are the perfect methadone for shaking the grips of the saccharine harlot. I don't know if it was the utter sleep deprivation I had inflicted upon myself or the sheer potency of the blue agave, but somehow, it all made sense.

Replacing heartbreak with hangovers...and chicken wings.

Round after round, the staff enjoyed the various styles of Mexican alcohol, in moderation of course, and things started to look up. By the end of the night, I was back to proclaiming Charlie Weis' inevitable wielding of the Righteous Hammer of God at Michigan State this weekend. My expectations have waned slightly come this morning, but you get the overall idea.

The past is past. Now everyone, start cleaning up this bloody mess! I know you only listen to about 5% of what I tell you to do, but please? We have a lot of football to watch this weekend, and I'd rather you get the bodies out of here now before they start to smell.

No more Sparks for you, Trev. I don't care if you tipped her.

-irishoutsider

Where'd I put that talking tiki?

By Bloo
Azul Tribesman

CHAOS! I love it, man! This is so much fun. I just wanted to give an internet slap-hands to that lovely candy truck driver who was nice enough to drive into one of the many snares I set for him out at the loading dock. We've taken your cargo and distributed the sugary goodness of the Swedish fish to all of the hungry staffers. Saints be praised! As for you, fearful editor, I know your trapped in a emotional coccoon of football-induced angst, but just so you know, ITS FREAKING AWESOME OUT HERE! I just kicked Trev's butt in Mario Kart. We celebrated by lighting the coffee machine on fire and performing a traditional dance in honor of your currently lame Irish football squad.



Man, he is just the best boss in the whole wide world.

So, when you get over your crippling depression, you should get out here and join us! Ha-HA!

You might want to start notifying that intern's next of kin.
THE WEATHERMAN IS DEAD!!!

Whoa.

By ESPN Mobile Guy
hopefully of ESPN.com

What the heck is going on around here? I stopped by to check my messages and the whole system is breaking down! It's like "Escape from LA" around here. Everyone has fashioned their own post-apocalyptic garb out of old coffee filters and cubicle parts while Trev lords over everyone dressed like Snake Plissken! He really likes that eye patch...but that's not important right now. Send help!

They're setting up some kind of crude obstacle course out of the burnt remains of those nice ergonomic desk chairs and turned the office kiddie pool into a fire pit for their precarious rope bridges. I don't like the looks of it at all. Bloo is running rampant, the Muppet Newscaster is tying Mr. Met to a file cabinet, and everyone keeps commanding me to bring them ESPN Mobile phones for ritual sacrifice...Oh, man...good thing I have plenty of those.

Thursday can't come soon enough. We need some football in here! Something! Anything....let's check the schedule...thank God. Virginia at Georgia Tech. That should distract them long enough to restore order...I hope.

Ok...everyone just cool out! COOL OUT, MAN!

Get Tribal

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Honestly, you blogger types are sick in the head. Seriously. I mean no disrespect to the actual mentally handicapped, but get it together over there! No? Fine. But remember, you've brought this on yourself. Rack me.

This one goes out to all the interns. I know it's hard for you without the lack of a real man in the authority post out there. Easy. I know it's rough, and I'm all the way out here in LA, and there is no way in heck I'm abandoning my sweet Malibu estate to schelp out there to babysit you halfwits. But, I have some experience in these matters, so I'm going to bring in some of my years of clone-herding experience. You psychos and my psychos are cut from the same crazy cloth, so this should be cake.

The solution to all of this is simple, and Trev touched on it already. Tribal law, the law of the jungle. I want you guys to get freaking feral, cull the weak, and exhaust all supplies of caffinated beverages. We will begin eliminating all of you be simple physical challenges, rewarding the winners with such luxuries as fire, immunity, and old ESPN mobile phones. Those who cannot complete the tasks at hand due to exhaustion, dehydration, or mortal wounds will be asked to leave the compound until order is restored, leaving only the most savage cubicle monkeys to maintain the anarchy in the absence of order. We tried this on the national broadcast once, and its working like a charm. Why else do you think I've got the guy who hosted 'Studs' on my set? The man is a freaking stone-cold assassin. He could kill me with his thumb if he wanted, but I keep him knee-deep in hookers and vodka to sate his urges, makes for great television though.

So, in the interests of stoking the crazy fires, I will know further provoke the kid's emotional tailspin with this scathing pitard from MGoBlog. I'll be watching it all burn from here.




Jim Rome is an ESPN rabble rouser. He suggests you use Piggy's glasses to make fire.

Week 3 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

We press on, noble Trevians, though the wilderness of Week 3 and onto the vast unknown of Week 4. This past weekend was almost too much to bear. Our editor is still holed up in what's left of his office, the internet tube is making all sorts of strange noises, and Peterman's brownies aren't getting the job done! Ok....back to the scoreboard.

Week 3 total-
Straight-Up:5-2
Against-the-Spread:2-5

Season-to-date-
Straight-Up:20-4
Against The Spread:13-11

I have spread the gospel according to Trev, and tamed the mighty Magnificent Seven...mightily. I may have lost more of the kid's funding, but that is besides the point. The main point is that I am twenty and freaking four to date straight up. Suck it down, ESPN. Suck it down.

Auburn 7-LSU 3
What an SEC barnburner! A defensive struggle that still manages to illustrate the fact that Auburn is the freaking fastest team on Earth. You tell me right now that its going to be OSU/Auburn in Glendale and not only will I believe you, but I will start working at a Tempe Blockbuster video to get used to the local scene. You can all crash at my sweet ASU bachelor pad.

Louisville 31-Miami of Florida 7
Miami of Florida, I have to say it that way until they decide to start playing like Miami, and not just getting crunk before jacking their opponents in pregame warmups. Footballpocalypse may have claimed its first victim.

Oregon 34-Oklahoma 33
Oregon sets it to "grueling pace" and rolls up 500 yards on the Sooners. Sure, everyone will be tlaking about the veritable Hanukah bestowed upon them by the refs, but the fact remains that the Ducks are able to beat their fair share of good teams. Oregon is the new Cal...

Michigan 47-Notre Dame 21
I'm not going to take anything away from a Michigan team that was clearly prepared for Notre Dame and got a hefty serving of bounces as well. This is an Irish loss under almost every set of circumstances, and in the end, that's what matters. Now, where did I put that poncho?

TCU 12-Texas Tech 3
Yarr....that's all I have to say. TCU's Gary Patterson is the new "belle of the BCS ball." I'm sure there's plenty of traditional power programs touting him as their new savior on message boards all across this great land. I give rumors of his courtship to emerge by the end of the month. Welcome to hell, Mr. Patterson.

Southern Cal 28-Nebraska 10
The ex-girlfriend fails to score at will against the Huskers, and nobody cares. Next.

Florida 21-Tennessee 20
A game worthy of the weekend hype, these two go at it in traditional style. Urban Meyer starts off 2-0 against the Vols, the first Gator coach since Galen Hall. Orson, you're welcome to have all the Kool-Aid we have in stock, but please, use it only in moderation.

Things are falling apart around here. I've spent all day watching the interns run around with lack of editorial control. If only there was something I could do as their leader. I guess I could serve as magistrate over their new tribal law, or preside over physical immunity challenges.

Trev Alberts is FireMarkMay.com's dictator-for-life. He doesn't know how to use our fax machine

A harsh mistress

By J. Peterman
World Traveller

Trev,

I just wanted to stop by and tell you that if there's anything you need from me, you just go ahead and say the word. I know it's tough over there right now, so I have already taken the liberty of sending over a delectable gift basket to help smooth you through the tough times ahead. There are various homeopathic remedies from the depths of mystical Southeast Asia along with a few pans of my patented organic wheat-germ brownies. I also threw in a few bottles of crap I picked up at the local GNC and a box of Nutter Butters, but that's not important right now. What's important is that you understand the gravity of the situation.

Don't let the condensated smile fool you. That pitcher is full of shattered dreams.

The kid's overdosed on the Kool Aid, and I don't think I'm the first to tell you, but coming down from that kind of high is no small feat. Many a man has fallen to the unforgiving gaze of the Crystal King, his jovial nature inviting us all to drink up as he bursts through the walls of our hearts, but the sugar...oh the sugar, Trev. Sweet lady saccharine is never too far behind, and she is a stone cold bitch.

First, she lures you in with promises of national glory and untold celebration. You begin to drink of the stick sweet deliciousness, and partake in quaffing chalices full of refreshing beverages all the colors of the rainbow, a veritable symphony of college fight song cacophony that also quenches the thirst. Next thing you know, she's set her bamboo barbs under your skin, and you're mainlining the pure cane like an Olmec shaman on yet another vision quest. Spirits dance in your mind, you begin to speak in tongues, sing nonsensical musings, and give yourself entirely to the crusade. Woe to the man who fashions himself a lofty perch on a foundation of powdered drink mix. When the rain eventually comes, you fall mighty quick, coated in a thin sticky film of stale Sharkleberry Fin.

A hell spawned harpy if their ever was one. Peddle your ill-gotten wares elsewhere, devil woman!

No amount of Zest deodorizing soap can clean the filth of one who takes a high-dive off this deep end, at least not yet. The first 24 hours or so are the worst, Mr. Alberts, I suggest you bring a poncho. Your office is going to need your bold leadership more than ever. Be prepared for the long hours, the tough sacrifices, and the elbow grease required to get most of your furniture back to a usable state. I don't envy you in the least, and all I can say is stay strong.

It won't be easy, as at times like these it's best to have some other hobbies to occupy your mind. Unfortunately, the kid's hobbies of late have been drinking, revenge, and European-style soccer fanaticism. I should probably blame myself. I was the one who regaled him with quasi-romantic stories of my time on the West End, drinking precious whiskeys until I was fighting drunk, cheering on the warrior-princes until I coughed blood, and then smiting my enemies with the reckless abandon...but I digress.

Godspeed, sir.

J. Peterman, Esq.

......

I...I don't know what to say. I need some time for myself on this one, guys. I love what you've done to the office while I've been gone, Trev. Really, great work all around. I especially love the small cubicle fort stationed in front of my office, and the paintball accents were a nice touch. I'm going to lie down on what's left of my couch for a while...I'll be...in my...whatever...

Everyone, report directly to Mr. Alberts until further notice.

-irishoutsider

Week 3 Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

After dragging down the site's resources for just under a week in preparation for college football's latest armageddon-tastic weekend, I have emerged from my corner office with its various caffinated accouterments to lay unto you these picks of wisdom. Like Moses coming off the whatsit with his Old Testament book of Numbers, I bring the answers to this, the heartiest of all football weekends...to date. BEHOLD! MY SCOREBOARD!

Year-to-Date-
Straight Up:15-2
Against the Spread:11-6

LSU (+3) at Auburn 330et (CBS)
Considering every big SEC game comes down to about 3 points, I'm going have to pick the Tigers shutting down the Tigers potent running attack and continuing to play the Tigers' traditional style of smashmouth Tiger football. Les Miles gets the coaching edge in this matchup, as he has Voldemort on his side.
Trev's pick: LSU

Louisville (-4) vs. Miami 330et (ABC)
I am thoroughly enjoying the eventual downgrading of Miami. Eventually, it will be considered couth to refer to them as the Miami Tropical Storms. I'm trying to get that started, so hop on now and get ahead of the curve. Regardless, no one is questioning the Miami defense, but you have to say Louisville's attack is a bit more potent than Florida State, what with the multiple formations and all. I'll say the Vespa Scooter wins by at least a touchdown.
Trev's pick: Louisville

Oregon (-4.5) vs. Oklahoma 330et (ABC)
OREGON IS THE NEW CAL! The Rollerballers will take Oklahoma to task at Autzen on sheer intimidation. They have over 300 different uniforms combinations! Try to keep track of them all, I dare you. They will blind the Sooners with their glamour, their prefectly balanced attack, and containment of Adrian Peterson. Belotti is smart enough to put a body on Adrian, limiting him to oh...200 yards...but pass at your own peril. The man is a genius...he has his own font...
Trev's pick: Oregon

Notre Dame (-5) vs. Michigan 330et
Once again, the kid's favorite obsession must take a back seat to the bigger picture of the greatness of this football weekend. I'm calling this game now, and I'm calling it early. This will not be a close game, as would be traditionally predicted. Lloyd Carr, or LLLoyd Carr depending on which interweb sites you frequent, is 0-3 at Notre Dame and is bound to bring his expected uber-conservatism to what will likely be a tough crowd. Hell, they could play this game in an abandoned warehouse and he'll get rattled. I know I would be. On a side note, this Kool-Aid the kid keeps putting in the break room is delicious!
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

TCU (+1.5) vs. Texas Tech 330et (CSTV)
It's about time we got some semblance of a real game on this fly-by-night network of mine. I love watching Mountain West games as much as the next guy with nothing better to do on a Friday night, but this game is a definite step up. Unfortunately for Texas Tech and Leach's brand of merry pirates, I don't know if the Air Raid offense will hold up under the new clock rules. It will be hard to beat the Horned Frogs when you only have the ball for 10 minutes.
Trev's Pick:TCU

Southern Cal (-17.5) vs. Nebraska 800et (ABC)
ESPN's former gentleman lover is going to take it to my boys from Lincoln. I mean hard. I mean relentless. It's going to look like a snuff film. Callahan, you may be on your way to some restoring some order out there, and we'll see you sacrifice your share of teams to the Big XII Championship Gods, but I wouldn't get my hopes up. The Trojans have a team of lawyers in town devising a game plan against your noble squad...or at least I think that's what they're in town for.
Trev's pick: Southern Cal

Florida (-3.5) at Tennessee 800et (CBS)
Finally, this donnybrook in the heart of Hazzard county is a matchup of two teams searching for their first signature win of the season. I was ready to annoint Coach Cutliffe resident sooper genius of the Southland until the Vols had problems putting away Air Force. I guess maybe I should blame the defense. Hmm...can't handle crazy running schemes? Urban Meyer, come on down!
Trav's pick: Florida

Sorry for the last post and lack of audio visual aid. The kid has already skipped town for the ND-Michigan, so I'm pretty much on my lonesome again this weekend. Alright, interns...fire up the sportsbook!

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN coathanger. He is currently reloading his compu-bookie

Hot Seat: The original Couch

By The Budweiser Hot Seat
ESPN.com

Pleasant morning to you all. Once again, I am privileged to be in the esteemed company of one of the most innovative college mascots in the modern era. One so visionary, that he has been flattered by countless imitators across this great land's various dormitory quadrangles. An illuminating pillar of spirit, a symbol of the burning football passions within us all, ladies and a resounding number of gentlemen, I give you, the West Virginia Couch!

Thanks for that flowery speech, Mr. Seat. It's my pleasure to be here. Do you mind if I light up?

I insist. If you would indulge me in a personal confession, I would just like to say that you are my inspiration. Your work in Morgantown inspired me to pursue my interests in the flaming arts.

That sure does mean a lot to me, really it does. Fans all over have really taken a shine to my ways in both victory and defeat. I've seen plenty of admirers at other schools, and it just makes me smile. It feels good to give so much kindling to the spirit of college football.

Our storied guest pictured with one of his many adoring minstrels. (HT: The CBN)

Where would you say you have the biggest following?

Far and a ways, it's got to be THE Ohio State University. What with all the various student types celebrating all sort of whatnots through sparking up a few couches. Football vicories, bar mitzvahs, football defeats, bridal showers, keggers, beer blasts, barn dances, arraignments, women's lacrosse...

I think we get the idea...

...dental appointments, baby's first couch burning, la dia de los muerte, and Advent. Sometimes they'll even throw in a few coolers filled with...

AHEM! I mean, of course. Fascinating stuff. The makings of legend, I'm sure. I know you must be very excited for the Mountaineers match this evening with the Maryland Terrapins. Couchy, do you fear the Turtle, as one would say?

Shoot no! Them boys ain't done nothing since ought-three! Coach Rod and the team are going to kick the tires and light the...well I guess light me up, taking down them Terps and their jelly-filled coach! WHOOO!

No need to fire that rifle inside the studio, sir...Ok, fine...Anyway, I guess I'll have to discard my remaining qustions regarding our esteemed guest's views on the current state of geo-political affairs as he has apparently exited the stage amidst a plethora of racous fraternity lads....Yes....Pikes rule....Good day.

The Budweiser Hot Seat is one of many officially licensed trademarks in residence at FireMarkMay.com. His office hours are posted in the syllabus.

Recovering

Sorry about the recent slowdown, everyone. There are a lot of things on the plate right now, the least of which is Mr. Alberts barricading himself inside his corner office. Apparently, he took the blogverse's advice to heart, and is trying as hard as he can to NOT DIE before this weekend's epic slate of games. A lot of heavy hitters square off this Saturday in college football's first "bracket buster" weekend. To prepare for this week's Trevonics and to ensure his own survival, Trev took most of the coffee from the break room, a couple fresh suits, one case of meatball Hot Pockets, and had the interns move in one industrial barrel of distilled water. This combined with his usual "emergency" kit, has him pretty fortified.

I, on the other hand, have several tasks to attend to, the least of which is assuring the entire staff that all is well and that our founder's recent paranoia is purely football based. The interns fool easily when Trev gets all worked up, as the last round involved changes to the dress code that oddly resembled the Heaven's Gate ordeal. Turns out he was mourning the death of the once-proud Washington Huskies, but that wasn't enough to save some of our newer hires.

In addition to this is the staggering delayed after-effects of Notre Dame's unexpected destruction of Penn State last Saturday. Tailgating was both too fast and too furious as travel shortened the available social window to a scant few hours. Luckily, I am privy to a standing invitation to a tailgate involving this man:

My liver hurts just posting this.

High in spirit and blood alcohol, I began to hallucinate...

Cargo Jorts: style meets unnecessary utility.

Get away from me, Joe Paterno!

The last time I had this vision, I was watching ESPN Classic with Sparks.

In the end, Notre Dame 41-Penn State 17 was very, very real. More pilgrimages to South Bend are on the schedule, even if Trev did gamble away our travel budget.

I'm on the slow road to recovery, but hopefully I'll get things in order around here. Unfortunately, we're out of coffee until Trev emerges from his bunker.

Until then, I'll be preparing for this weekend's ND-Michigan game by reliving last week's Irish dominance in Xbox form.


-irishoutsider

Week 2 Rundown

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

Year-to-Date-
Straight Up:15-2
Against the Spread:11-6

The Trev train kept on rolling in week 2, although there were some unforeseen difficulties. I would apologize for frivolously wagering our funds on Texas, but just think if the Longhorns had won! There would have been some serious money squandering had that occurred. I would have gone through all of the winnings, and then some, in a flurry of celebratory shenanigans. When you really get down to it, kid, I did you a favor. On to the recapping:

Iowa 20-Syracuse 13 (2OT)
A lesson for all of you would-be analysts out there, do your homework. I did not, and I suffered mightily for it. Iowa proves they are a mere husk of a football team without Drew Tate, struggling in the Carrier Dome against an emboldened Otto the Orange, darkening the hopes of anyone thinking they could take on the Buckeyes. I'll keep looking on the bright side and try to write this off as a trap game.

Oklahoma 37-Washington 20

3-tip INTs, regular redzone fumbling, and haphazard special teams? Yep, you better believe that's a chipping.

Tyrone Willingham...You might want to put a body on Adrian Peterson (32 car 165 yds 2TDs). I think I read that somewhere. Also, thank you for once again proving your tendency to make absolutely zero halftime adjustments and become completely dominated in the second half. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.

Virginia Tech 35-North Carolina 10
Shockingly out-gaining VTech 268 to 224, North Carolina manages to commit 5 turnovers as Beamerball marches on. This kind of reminds me of some of my NCAA 2007 games. In the office, we call it "getting chipped." When the defense is jumping out of their shoes to pick you off, fumbling in the red zone becomes expected, and you can't even get a punt off...you sir have been "chipped." The Hokies remain firmly in the "WTF" column on the year, likely confusing pundits for weeks to come.

Oregon 31-Fresno State 24
The Rollerballers ride into the Valley and take one from a hostile crowd. It took two crazy FG plays resulting in TDs, but the Ducks escape just the same. I guess you could say the Bulldogs were also "chipped."

Notre Dame 41-Penn State 17
There's getting chipped, and then there is just flat out beaten. Notre Dame shakes off the shadow of Tech and thoroughly beatdown Penn State in a game that likely had most of America searching for something else to watch. I believe CBS and ABC actually have to pay NBC a cut of their revenue when this occurs. The Irish may not be this good, and the Lions are probably not that bad, but it will sure seem that way for at least 6 more days. Our fearless editor is still trying to sleep this one off.

Ohio State 24-Texas 7
Last but not least, I want to say that I was misled from the start on this one. First of all, Colt McCoy isn't his real name?!? Where the heck did that come from? Not only did I miss the memo on that, but apparently Ted Ginn can teleport. The NCAA needs mutant reform, and it needs it now. Texas has a quality defense, and a ginormous Godzillatron, and no one could get a pair of eyes on this guy. The sweatervest has an arsenal at his disposal, and he will unleash it upon the college football world until ESPN loses its voice pimping its new found wunder-team. Weekly couch burnings, book it. Until then, I'll take Ohio State over the 1936 Luftwaffe by two scores.

On one final note, Cal torched Minnesota. I didn't officially pick it, but I just thought I would bring that up. Cal is the new Oregon.

Trev Alberts is a professional team-picking guy. His magnificent hair requires no pomades or gels.

Hooked by Trev

Trev may have gone 4-2 against the spread this week and 5-1 straight up, but he made one very careless mistake. Actually, it turns out he made two. It turns out that he had one of the interns open up a sportsbook account while I was out of the office this weekend. While I was in South Bend watching the Irish humble Penn State, Mr. Alberts decided to place a large portion of our discretionary funds on the Texas Longhorns.

So, it is time for plan B. We're going to open up the compound's supply closet and start selling some of our wares. Now, you too can wear our intern-issue clothing. Unfortunately, we can't get the site to accept Trev Fun Dollars.

More designs and a sidebar to come, if only to spare my kneecaps from our collectors.

Texas...what were you thinking, Trev?

-irishoutsider

Week 2 Trevonics

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

It's a red letter weekend in the college football season. The newly minted "game of the year" is now a bonafide #1 vs. #2 donnybrook, Joe Paterno leads his zombie hordes into South Bend, and we edge ever closer to the beginning of the conference schedule. Meanwhile, the month-long cupcake tuneup continues for many. Michigan, Miami, FSU, and West Virginia are all playing teams that even the most hardcore Xbox gamer would sim.

Year-to-Date-
Straight Up:10-1
Against the Spread:7-4

Virginia Tech (-12.5) at North Carolina 1200et (ESPNN)
In a time slot usually reserved for early morning Big 11 tilts, this game will have North Carolina fans thankful to just get this game over with. The Hokies don't have either one of the Mexico brothers at the helm anymore, but Beamerball is still alive and well. North Carolina isn't a bad team, but they're about to look like one. After a few hours of the new, extended Gameday, you'll be sucked into watching the Tech defense frighten and confuse the Tarheels for at least thirty minutes.
Trev's pick: Virginia Tech

Iowa (-19) at Syracuse 330et (ABC)
I don't think there is much to say in defense of this pick. Syracuse has one of the best mascots in football, but not even the entertaining power of Otto the Orange can save the Orange(men) from an Iowa beatdown. Honestly, no contest. Syracuse is actually Greek for "respectable sounding doormat."
Trev's pick: Iowa

Oklahoma (-16) vs. Washington 330et (ABC)

"Championship football begins with championship whistling, ok?"

Check your local listings for this one, but I'm sure a good portion of the country will be forced to watch Iowa mop up due to the iron justice of the ABC regional coverage map. Oklahoma did struggle a bit against a scrappy UAB team, but I can't possibly pick the Huskies in this one. For starters, the kid would stop taking dictation. Two, I can't take Willingham seriously at Washington knowing there's a driving range across the street from Husky Stadium. Stoops may be assumed to be lighter on the talent lately, but he can still coach circles around a guy like Ty.
Trev's pick: Oklahoma

Notre Dame (-8) vs. Penn State 330et (NBC)
Normally, I would leave this game for last, but while I think it is one of the bigger games on the schedule, even irish knows the "big game" is Saturday night. That won't stop the interns from stealing my car and heading out for many hours of South Bend boozing, though. I'm on to you bastards! I know what you're up to, you hear me? I'll be guarding my wheels like a hawk, a hawk with a sweet BB rifle. Try driving with some of those lodged in your rear. That's right. Back to the game, Penn State brings a new QB, on his first road start, with a running game that struggled against Akron into Notre Dame against a team that has had the fear of the Robot Genius struck into them after a tough test at Georgia Tech. Both teams are sure to show improvement after last week, but I have to think Notre Dame will improve more. Zombies can't eat robots. Robots are made of metal, and robots are strong. You may commence drinking, kid. (Too late. -IO)
Trev's pick: Notre Dame

Oregon (-3.5) at Fresno State 1000et (ESPN)

Not even the most xtreme bulldog can get through molded plastic.

One more before I get to TGOTC. The Rollerballers take the carnage to the valley to face Fresno State. While normally, a bulldog can take a duck hands down, you have to adjust for the fact that the Oregon Ducks are "new-age football dominance to the Xtreme! Now with 20% more Kevlar!" I'll be patiently waiting for my royalty check, Nike. It will be a fun game to watch, but the fantasy stat parade continues.
Trev's pick: Oregon

Texas (-2.5) vs. Ohio State
It's the game of the century! If you're not watching it, you better be dead...or in jail! And if you're not in jail....BREAK OUT! Ahem...Sorry there, I got carried away. Now that this is the anointed 1/2 game the media have been clamoring for, all I can really hope for as a football fan is that it is a close game and under 4 and a half hours. Honestly, I'll probably be happy with one of those. It will be the end of a long day of football, feasting, and miscellaneous imbibing before this one hits pregame. On paper, it is a clash of the titans, two powerhouses primed for a heavyweight fight, and many many other cliches. Under the watchful gaze of the shiny new Godzillatron, Texas will win, ladies will swoon for new demigod Colt McCoy, and couches will burn from Austin to Columbus, a pyre that will be visible from space.
Trev's pick: Texas

Until then, the eyes of Trev are upon you. Stay the hell away from my car!

Trev Alberts carefully guards CSTV's Crystal Ball. He also has one of those "Zoltan Speaks" fortune tellers in his office. Yeah, it's kind of creepy.

Boise Bloo: A Retrospectacle

By Blooregard Q. Kazoo
Staff Figment

While it may not be as exciting to the rest of the staff, tonight's Oregon State-Boise State matchup will be my first chance to see Broncos Stadium this season. Oh, how I've waited to see my beloved Broncos take that glorious blue field in the calm Idaho evening. It brings a tear to my eye. Really, it does. Let's take a look at the rich, storied tradition of this great stadium, a beautiful razzberry gumball amidst the vast potato fields of the American Northerlywest.

Broncos Stadium, a searing feast for the eyes.

Founded by Eskimos in the late 14th century, the land Broncos Stadium currently sits on was named "Adaadax^ aq^ada chugii" which is loosely translated as "Dad comes here to fish." Originally created as an Inuit gentleman's club, the first wigwam was ironically built on an ancient Indain burial ground. Preparing for eventual legal loopholes, the local tribesmen abandoned their not-so-surprisingly fallow adult entertainment business and established Idaho's first Indian-casino. Table gaming would not be discovered in the region until the American frontier movement, so the residents gambled on more traditional games, such as marmoset racing, fish tossing, and squirrel fights.

Releatively untouched throughout the Western expansion, Idaho natives were mainly

Sadie, depicted here in a 15th century woodcut.

bystanders to most instances of the region's history. The wagon trains had an unsettling obsession with reaching Oregon, the sugar beet boom was still decades away, and there was little, if any, inerference from nosy French fur trappers. With few meddling outsiders, the newly named Boise tribe founded the first university wholly owned and operated by an organized gambling concern. Original plans were to name the school after the current chieftan, a learned water buffalo named 'Sadie,' but those plans were quickly scrapped following the harsh winter of 1804, when the tribe relied on using every part of their leader to survive the elements. Upon completion of the first academic building in 1805, the school was named Boise Fisherman's College. Eventually, the school was run over by a combination of Mormons, "Equensu Oshya", and "The Man" in the early 20th century and renamed Boise State University. Broncos Stadium was then built on top of the ancient Indian casino that was built upon the even more ancient Indian burial ground.

The school was generally bland for the remainder of the century save a few

The real meaning of BlueTurf is drinking. Drinking and revenge.

needlepoint competitions, bouts with varying levels of prohibition, and the occasional unsolved murder-suicide. Then one night in 1978, a student by the name of Alvis Durmstrang had an epiphany. After weeks of cramming for his agricultural engineering finals, he finally splurged on a whole jug of his roommate's "XXX" brand moonshine. With the potent distilled potato vodka clouding his thoughts, he had a vision of none other than Boo Berry, the popular cereal mascot, fully clad in turn-of-the-century era football gear. Somehow, Alvis interpreted this as a sign to create blue FieldTurf. Historians argue on the validity of this account, but they all agree that that moonshine was powerful strong.

Alvis devoted his life to the the development of the blue turf, the most perfect of all of God's artificial surface creations. Finally installed in Broncos Stadium in 2002, the beautiful blue has ushered in a new era of WAC dominance, likely inspired by the inherent awesomeness of their playing field. It is known to kill ducks after they unknowingly dive into the harsh, unforgiving, "definitely not a lake" surface, and the field has been known to strike terror into the hearts of visiting opponents. Blinded by blue glamour at every possible turn, anyone facing the Broncos is sure to fail. Just as visiting tribesmen lost their possessions centuries ago, Boise State pummels their guests with the ferocity of a vicious fighting squirrel.

In conclusion, Boise is a land of many contrasts. The Beavers don't stand a chance.

Bloo is FireMarkMay's resident imaginary friend and receptionist. He is also the secretary of balloon doggies.

Cease with the slowdown.

By Jim Rome
ESPN.com

Kid. Seriously. What's with the internet tube today? We had clones knocking down the door left and right the past few days, primed for a schooling by yours truly. Now? Nothing! Zip! Zero! Null set....pause for effect. Yes. Kick the tires or something, and let's get this train back on the tracks. I've got seasonal readers to dominate. It's not enough to conquer the entire state of South Carolina, first state to secede by the way, I want the whole nation, or at least parts of the eastern seaboard. Make. It. Happen.

To show my displeasue, I'm going to keep spreading this beauty, thanks to your fellow four-eyed blog type, Orson Swindle.



Right. So, now I have to ask. How many interns do you have over there, and why aren't you teaching them proper pong-throwing technique? Fundamentals, irish. Fundamentals.

Jim Rome is an ESPN loudmouth out on the left coast. He wants his own confederacy of awesome.

Zen Rocks

By Stuart Scott
ESPN.com

I spent much of this weekend reflecting on the mad reflective power the beginning of the season brings. Every few months, there's a new beginning here in Bristol. Baseball, football, NASCAR, each one has their own feel, their own chi. Down with the Zen, feel me. So like when I dropped some knowledge on you when you began your journey, I'll lay a few down for the start of your year.

Proper.

New football season
Trev has shiny Crystal Ball
On CSTV

Michigan routs 'Dores
Mark May fell in love, mad love
Lloyd may still lose five

Irish slip past Tech
Media bash their own hype
Still pimp Southern Cal

Mustain in for 'Hogs
Houston Nutt is desperate
Questionable move

Colorado falls
Dan Hawkins is preaching calm
Keep the Hot Seat warm

Stuart Scott is ESPN's poet laureate. He gets half off all commissary fruit snacks.

Week 1 Roundup

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

I can't believe we have to wait until Thursday for another semblance of college football, but at least there's the blue field of Boise State to look forward to. On to my scoreboard.

Saturday/Monday tally-
Straight Up: 6-1
Against the Spread:4-3

Year-to-date-
SU:10-1
ATS: 7-4

Tenn 35-Cal 18

Them boys were flying in Neyland. Cooter would be proud.

Cal being thoroughly depantsed by the Volunteers made me look just as silly as the Bears defense, but at least I can still tackle. Corso and Phil Steele are looking quite foolish this morning, but I can't shake this sneaking suspicion that Cal will go on some kind of phenomenal run after this, including giving ESPN's ex-girlfriend a tough game in the coliseum. Next thing we'll know, a 9-1 Cal team is firmly entrenched back in the dark horse spot...or I'm high. Tennessee on the other hand is now the official "What the?!?" team of the season as this game will be on everyone's minds until the Vols are similarly embarrassed, if ever. Cal's PAC-10 opener with ASU and Tennessee's grudge match with Florida definitely remain games of interest.

Notre Dame 14-Georgia Tech 10
Between the southern heat, Southern Comfort, and that game, the kid is convinced he has an irregular heartbeat following last weekend. Did Tech play over their heads or are the Irish mortal? I'm willing to believe the former as "Reggie Baw" played arguably the game of his life...and still threw 50%. If this is the new Reggie, the lack of turnovers is a good sign, and the D definitely looks like it can make things happen. Chan Gailey may officially be the Bob Davie of the South. As for Notre Dame and Charlie Weis, I wouldn't be too worried about that offense. Both teams learned a lot in this game.

Oregon 48-Stanford 10
Going down exactly as planned, the Rollerballers demolished Stanford in a sea of former Native-American mascot blood. There is little else to add to this game other than I hope you all took some Ducks in your various fantasy pools. Oregon is the new Cal. Personally, I can't wait for the Stanford-Washington on Nov. 11th. I want to play it side-by-side with a replay of last night's FSU-Miami game. I'm sure there's a novelty party game in there somewhere.

Michigan, Penn State, and Southern Cal over Vandy, Akron, and Arkansas

"I'll trade you Vermont Ave. for 2 no-return games."

I'm going to throw all three of these games together as Southern Cal made a "real" SEC team look like Vanderbilt or MAC-powerhouse Akron. It's not too early to say the Trojans reloaded. As for the Big Eleven types, they got what they paid for. Michigan failed to cover despite Vanderbilt's bumbling offense either giving them great field position or just handing the Wolverines the ball. The AP must be listening to Mark May, as they ranked Michigan over Tennessee because, clearly, Vanderbilt is now better than Cal. Meanwhile, Penn Sate feasted on the brains of Akron in a rain-slopped match that was closer than I expected. Teams got paid, points were hung, in USC's case a lot of points, and teams were adequately tuned.

Next week has been circled all offseason as the slate bulges with big-time matchups like Ohio State-Texas, Penn State-Notre Dame, and Washington-Oklahoma. You think the first two are rough, try to figure out if the Sooners can cover. If you do, send me an email. I need to make good with my guy from the Cal game. Stupid Corso...

Trev Alberts is a former ESPN prettyboy. He doesn't like having his legs broken.

Field Report: The Varsity

As Trev basks in the reflected glory of his above-average success this weekend, I've got time to get out another post on the Atlanta trip. Obviously, the first night set the tone for the weekend, but little did I know that the center of the Georgia Tech universe would be the greatest "drive-thru" these eyes have ever seen. Just across the interstate from Tech lays this thrownback behemoth of a Fast Food Nation, The Varsity.

You can always tell a quality establishment by the # of novelty paper hats.

Recommended by every Atlantonian we encountered, The Varsity is an old-fashioned lunch counter revved up to hyperspeed, and a central off-campus landmark. An island unto itself in the vast commercial space of northern Atlanta, it was a welcome sight after aimlessly wandering around a relatively quiet midtown. With the largest parking area near the stadium, even with the short walk over the highway, it was definitely a popular place for tailgaters and tourists, and that's not even counting the awesome power of its southern-fried, greasily delicious secrets.

Crack. Delicious, deep-fried crack containing no less than 10 secret herbs and spices.

McDonald's has its Big Mac, McDowell's has its Big Mick, and The Varsity has two items that are absolute must-haves for any of the non-initiated: the onion rings and the Frosted Orange. After hours of wandering the vast, vast, vast expanses of the Georgia Tech boozescape, picture several small tailgates separated by long stretches of laboratory buildings, Brian and I trudged across the breadth of the Tech campus towards this oasis. While anything in our hazy state would have sufficed, these items absolutely hit the freaking spot like 3 am sliders.

I enjoy a frosty beverage in moderation.

An order of onion rings and a frosty orange milkshake for well under $5? That's one heck of a bargain, especially when the MARTA turnstyles give you those lame Sakejawea dollars for change. If there has ever been a side order fitting of its own meal, it's the Varsity onion ring, and I want to know how many dreamsicles died to produce my Frosted Orange, I expect the number to be in the hundreds. Maybe it was the heat, maybe it was the Jack Daniels flowing through our veins, but I think the entire feast was fully enjoyed in under 5 minutes, long enough for us to watch Tennessee hang 14 points on Cal on the diner's luxuriously modern flat screens.

Brian OD's on Frosted Orange with hilarious results. The Cal-Tenn game provided little remedy.

As we headed out, I was sure I had added too much sipping whiskey to my To-Go cup...

Bloo attempts to pass off chocolate coins as Sakajawea dollars.

I'll leave the game breakdown to the professionals, as I can only be objective for so long before I start sounding like a poor man's Lou Holtz. Trev should roll into the office sometime today to give a full breakdown of the Trevonics while the office recovers from its Labor Day hangover, literally and metaphorically.

-irishoutsider

Labor Day Special

By Trev Alberts
formerly of ESPN.com

As the staff continues to rehydrate from their journey to Atlanta, I think I'll throw in one more pick for tonight's FSU-Miami matchup.

Florida State (+3.5) at Miami 800 EST (ESPN)

Everyone seen the Miami game say, yeah!

Hurricane Ernesto didn't want any piece of this game, and neither does most of America. The days of FSU-Miami being anything more than a football themed SOURCE award show seem to have passed. Two struggling offenses face off against still dominant defensive corps as ESPN services both of them from the announcing booth. "The Battle for Least Worthy BCS team" is on. Anyone who has ever watched at least one FSU-Miami matchup knows that taking 3 points is usually a good idea. Trev's pick: FSU

Enjoy the rest of the weekend, german sausages for all! And I mean that in the manliest way possible.

Trev Alberts has never seen the SOURCE awards, but he used to watch "Martin" before it was cancelled by the Man.